Kids Day in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

I appreciate the readership and notes! I will try to respond to as much as I can; but also… today is a Juvenile Court Day. That means 12 hearings/trials today to get through in 7 hours. So… it may be a busy busy day!

As a somewhat “playful” but still entirely serious statement: This past weekend was Holiday Weekend. My birthday on Friday; Free Comic Book Day and Star Wars Day on Saturday; Cinco de Mayo and 2nd Birthday and Revenge of the Fifth on Sunday. Knowing me and my interests… one could otherwise assume that the weekend would be fun or busy or relaxing or rewarding. And yet… no sexy times or any affection… no comic book day activities or star wars day activities… I didn’t even get to play video games this weekend.

You all know about Saturday. Sunday? I woke up with a mild fever and slept most of the day. I moved from the bedroom to the living room around 10:00 a.m. At which point, I had to remind Wife to feed and water the dog… as the Dog’s Bowls were still on the counter where I had put them the previous night. ::head hang:: I get that Wife is lazy and selfish… it annoys the fuck out of me, but I get it. But to the level of not feeding the dog? Really? Did nobody ever try to teach this girl responsibility? Ever? So I remind her to feed the dog before crashing on the couch. For most of the day, Wife is at the dinning room table (on her damned phone) and the dog is curled up at my feet as I lay on the couch going back and forth between freezing and sweating. At some point, the dog wants to go out and I remind Wife to use the leash… maybe take her for a full walk, even.

They leave. I can’t say how much later because paraboliclly dancing between awake and asleep messes with my understanding of time. But at some point, I hear three hard knocks at the back door. As I get up, I scan the house and know Wife and Dog haven’t returned. I start to wonder if maybe Wife left her keys and couldn’t get through the backdoor or something. As I open the door, I see that it is our next door neighbor. Huh? Apparently, Nala ran into their yard… their corgi bit Nala… and as Wife grabbed Nala, the corgi but Wife. The neighbor wanted to make sure we weren’t going to ask them to put their dog down. I explain that Wife hadn’t even come home yet, so the bite couldn’t have been that bad and that of course we wouldn’t ask something like that of them. He left… I stayed… I became worried.

Wife hadn’t taken her phone with her. The sky was about to open up. And the dog and Wife had been bitten?? About a minute after the heavy rain started, Wife and Nala walked through the door. I asked her about the situation. Her explanation: Somehow Nala had gotten away from her, ran into the neighbor’s yard and started trying to ‘play’ with the Corgi. The corgi growled and barked but Nala didn’t back down. The Corgi nipped at Nala’s face and when Wife grabbed Nala away from the Corgi, the Corgi bit Wife in the shin. Nala didn’t show any damage and the Shin Bite didn’t break skin but will bruise. My estimation of my wife takes another hit.

The rest of the night was okay. I took Nala out a few times and my concerns from before were supported. In all the time we’ve had her, Nala has never pooped while wearing a leash, collar, or harness. She’ll pee. But she has never pooped. To my knowledge, the dog still hasn’t pooped since Saturday. :( :/

SOOooo… went to bed last night. Had a long series of dreams about being in Chicago… but for some reason MBFITWW and I got a hotel in the middle of a Tent City so we were surrounded by homeless people. Then I woke up… and went back to sleep… where I had a “If Times Were Different” dream where I did go out with one of the elegant long haired brunettes I was interested in in my youth.... but she was diagnosed with Cancer at age 16. She didn’t want to die a virgin and we were both religious; so we convinced our parents to let us get married. We had a lovely ceremony and reception and we had sex that very night. It was romantic and sweet and beautiful. The next morning, I overheard one of our guests ask, “So what are they going to do if she somehow beats this cancer?” To which I thought, didn’t say, “Then I’ll be the luckiest guy to celebrate a 10th wedding anniversary ever!” When I woke up from that dream? I was genuinely disappointed to see that I was in bed with Wife instead of the woman I was dreaming about.

So with that kind of a weekend and that kind of a start to my Day… on the drive to work, I started giving a lot of thought to what I want to address with the marriage counselor this month. Granted, we’re not scheduled for our next session until June 1 due to weekend scheduling issues.

(1) Resentment. Clearly, this needs to be discussed and addressed. There is a lot for me to feel resentment about and if I just hold on to it… I’m not likely to be involved in a healthy relationship ever. Granted… Marriage Counselor may suggest I find someone one-on-one I can go to therapy with to get through it all.... as I expect that some of the resentment I need to work through stems from my abusive relationship which happened a full 3 years before meeting Wife. But there are also a lot of Resentment Items with Wife as well.

(2) Affection and Intimacy. Wife states repeatedly that she is not Asexual and is not a Lesbian. If we take her at her word; then one assumes she should have some interest in some form of physical connection with me. Even if it is simply a hand on my shoulder, a hug, or a kiss on the cheek. As it is… we’re back to (mostly) being room mates. The Default Setting of our marriage for the last many years. I have no interest in being married to a room mate. I would rather a room mate that fucked me than a Wife that was strictly a room mate.

(3) As this might overlap with other areas, I’m not best sure how to phrase this. But Wife’s ADHD hyperfocus and OCD controlling mixes with her lazy and her selfish in truly bizarre and unacceptable ways. The lack of intimacy is one such area… the horrendous interactions with the dog this past weekend… going back to the School Registration and Hawaii bullshit… it just seems that she is so focused on herself… specifically on the things she doesn’t like about herself… that she is either incapable or unwilling to get out of her way and live a healthier life. And how I can’t just… be a part of that and hope that things improve. That we’re Team Together or Individual Isolated. But… I need to find a better wording. I mean… ultimately, it goes like this for me::: I spend my working hours dealing with people who are extremely selfish, self-obsessed, and believe that they don’t need to be responsible adults. I don’t want to deal with the same thing at home! But… again… need to find better wording.

AND figure out how to address all three of these issues in a healthy, constructive manner that will make a Counseling difference and not just feel like “We’re beating up on Wife.” Because… yeah. We’re coming up on 1 year of Counseling (I think that happens in August or September) and we need to really start working on this shit.

This is a perfect day for all of this, too, as this is Juvenile Court Day. So I get to watch family after family walk through the courthouse doors. “I want my kid back” versus “Stop doing meth”… “I want my kids back” versus “Stop beating your wife”… “I want my kid back” versus “Then spend time with them!” Or, of course, the other side of Juvenile Court. “Son, you’re 15… why are you stabbing people?” “Son, you’re 13… why do you feel so much hate for women that you’re already bragging about rape?”

So yeah. Trying to figure out things in my own life… but my energy is currently being spent on trying to protect, save, or prosecute children today.

I mean… I’ve written some stuff for counseling. May send it to the therapist via e-mail to just… no, strike that. First, I’d have to send her an e-mail requesting the ability. She doesn’t believe in secrets or back-channel communications so I would have to specifically ask, “Can I send you something that I’m struggling to put into words? Because this needs to be discussed but I am having trouble finding the words in a way that won’t just make Wife feel attacked or triggered or anything.” Then if she says YES, I send her the written elements of “Divorce is a possibility because life can’t be entirely about taking care of Wife’s problems and I need to be involved in an active participatory relationship.”

And I think about this because as I write down my schedule for tonight… I’m not looking forward to going home. I should be. I have a dog there. I have a wife there. I have video games and books and television and booze and bed there. But I don’t have a relationship with my wife there. I don’t have a good bond with the dog there. And drinking and playing video games may sound nice… but (a) it is a waste of a life if that is all that is in it; and (b) I can’t exactly do that when I have to look after Wife and Dog like what I did for a large part of my weekend.

And worst of all? It is all turning me into a person that can’t celebrate with other people. Like… I want to be super happy for people and celebrate their joys with them. But I feel it as a moment of “Good for you” and a longer moment of “personal loss”. Again… stuff for therapy… because I don’t want to stay this way.

This is something that gets into my head.

60 Year Old Man is upset with 20 Year Old Son. 60 Year Old Man grabs a baseball bat and starts yelling at Son. Son grabs bat from 60 Year Old Man. Old Man punches Son in stomach. Son hits man with bat. Wife calls cops to have son arrested. Cops say that they won’t do that. Wife demands justice. Cop gives her my Business Card. She’s calling me off the hook. He just sent me his reports.

LADY: If I start a fight and lose the fight… I’m not somehow able to call the cops. I should charge both of them with assault. And this is what I deal with daily. Daily I deal with adults, children, old people… all day, my day is spent dealing with people who want me to fix their problems because they shouldn’t have to be accountable for their actions. I don’t have it in me to deal with that for 8 hours a day at work only to have that at home. I need a wife that can… do. For herself. I need a wife that can be. A support. I need… a partner.

And yes… if I hadn’t had the weekend I did.... followed by the Juvenile Court hearings today… and the Adult Criminal Complaints (lots of violence)… I wouldn’t feel this way. But I am feeling this way. Maybe it is just… being sad. But… that’s where I am right now.