Sorry seems to be the hardest word in My Unpredictable Life ...

So the past 2 weeks I have been working crazy hours. Not only crazy hours, but 40+ hours. Which has been a tremendous help, financially. If only it could last. But, nope, I am back to 24 hours per week. But more on that shortly.

With the crazy hours, my sleep has been worse than it normally is. I'm working when body says I should be not working. I'm working shifts I don't normally work. My body is not happy.

Normally, I sleep till 7 am unless I have to take The Child to school (or I am getting off work at 7 am). Hubby decided that it didn't make sense for me to take her when he has to drive by the school on his way to work. Duh. So I get up at 7 and see them off at 7:20.

Wednesday morning she overslept. He tells me that I have to get up earlier (6:30) to make sure she is up because that is the time he gets in the shower and he can't be in 2 places at the same time (he showers downstairs). Pffftttt. Whatever.

So Thursday, I get up at 6:30, after working till 11pm the night before and not getting my body relaxed enough to sleep till after 1 am. I'm so exhausted I can barely see straight. Since this is the morning that we got the freak snow storm, power outages, etc. I go back to bed as soon as they leave. I have to work at 3 again, plus I have my ultrasound at 1pm. Housework/laundry/dishes be damned.

Apparently around 8 am the school district starts announcing a couple of school closings. At 8:11 Hubby is calling me. Long story short, I slept through all the phone calls - both to the house phone & cell phone, text messages and the nasty rude Facebook post he made on my wall. When I finally heard my text message alert around 8:35, he was through the roof livid.

He says he was calling to find out if The Child's school was one of the ones closing due to no electricity and if he had to go pick her up. Since I had no messages/calls from the school, I call them and verify that her school is still in session. Then I text him back to tell him so.

So many things were wrong with this whole situation that I don't even know where to begin.

• (A) He has never had to pick her up from school. Never. I've always had to be the one to do that because "his job is more important". So why would he think this one time would be different? Yes, he made arrangements with work to go in 30 mins. early Wed & Thurs, only take a 30 min. lunch so that he could leave 1 hour early at 4 to pick her up from school since I had to be at work at 3 both those days. FIRST TIME EVER HE HAS DONE THIS. Yes, I could have signed her out early or gone in to work late or asked Joleen to pick her up (again) but fuck, he is her father and he can damn well act like one. HIS ass can be inconvenienced for once. So history would ask, "Why the fuck would you have to leave work to go pick her up due to a closing when my ass is at home, not at a doctor appointment or work?" Oh, that's right, it wouldn't.

• (B) He knew how exhausted I was. We had just had a discussion about it before he left the house at 7:10 (due to the bad weather that morning) and he knew I was going back to bed.

• (C) Why would he say the things he said to me? Why would he post what he posted on Facebook for all of my family and friends to see? I deleted it but it was still on my wall for 25 minutes before I saw it. Why would he humiliate me in such a manner? I am his wife, not some stranger. I've shared my life with this man for the past 21 years. How could he be this way towards me? What did I do to deserve his wrath?

• (D) Most importantly, why do I always act like this is the first time he's ever been this way with me, every time he does it? It's not the first. I know it won't be the last. So why do I allow it to get to me? When will I not be surprised when it happens again?

I ended up sleeping in my chaise Thurs night. Friday he wanted to go to lunch. At least in public I know he has to watch what he says. I told him how much I didn't appreciate the way he treated me, that it was uncalled for, especially the Facebook post. He tried to say it was because he got mad that I wouldn't answer my phone. Well, now you know what it feels like. It was only last April when the car battery died, in the school car line picking her up from school, in the pouring down rain, when he wouldn't answer his phone at work and I ended up having to call the main office in Wichita to transfer me to the local parts department so that they could walk over to the engine shop and tell him to call me. But, according to him, his situation was way worse because "I" was leaving our child stranded at school. My situation, I had her with me. I told him in the future he can call the school his own damn self to get the answers he needs. I know he was secretly hoping that school was cancelled so he could use that excuse to get out of work, unpaid, for the day and then was pissed when he couldn't do that. So I was the easy target for him to take his anger out on.

One thing I can always count on when it comes to Hubby - He will never apologize to me. Never. He will always have an excuse of why he acted the way he did, an excuse that will absolve him completely for being responsible for his own actions. And he will always, always find a way to place the blame on me. It will be, beyond a shadow of a doubt, my fault for his reactions.

He spent Saturday trying to make up for his actions by cooking breakfast for all of us (usually he is rude and only cooks for himself), then he loaded the dishwasher (didn't clean them off first so of course they have to be re-done) then washed the pots and pans by hand. He made out a grocery list, for himself. Then we went to the nearest town that has a Target with a Starbucks (52 miles away) so that I could finally get my free birthday drink from Starbucks. He kept "giving me permission to buy whatever I wanted" but since I am the one in charge of the finances, I knew that was a no go. Spending money on me won't clear your conscious, Dude. I did buy The Child some much needed school clothes. We went to that Walmart, since it is bigger than ours, so he could buy the things he needed for the week to make his lunches/breakfasts. We came home, I made dinner and then went to bed so that I could be some what rested for work at 11pm.

I did manage to catch up on some sleep on Friday. I went back to bed after they left and slept from 7:30 to 8:30, in between Hubby texting me every 20 minutes about his side mirror he broke off his truck pulling out of our garage. Then again from 1:30 to 3:30. I was so damn sleep deprived it wasn't even funny. I didn't have the energy to fix dinner so I went through Burger King drive thru. I was so out of it, I ordered all kinds of crap we normally don't order. The Child thought it was funny, Hubby finally got a clue to my exhaustion and I ended up gagging on my Whopper with cheese. (I normally order a Whopper Jr., no cheese). I only ate about 1/3 of it & gave the rest to him. After dinner I dozed for an hour here and there in my chaise until 10pm and then went to bed and slept till 6:30 on Sat morning.

I told Tami at 5:30 Sunday morning that I had to have 4 days a week from here on out. I told her I wasn't trying to be a difficult bitch but there is no reason why Jimena should be getting more hours than me when I have been working at the hotel longer than Jimena & Shelia. I said it wasn't fair to me and I was tired of it and if she couldn't make it to where I get 4 days every week on the schedule then I would have to look for employment elsewhere. I also explained that we had car insurance (almost $500) coming due in April & we still had to pay the IRS and there is no way I can make those payments on only 3 days a week. So we shall see what happens.

We got started talking about the schedule because I had noticed there was a change for Feb 28.

She had me written in to work 11-7 yet Shelia is already working that shift and then underneath she wrote maybe 7-3. When I asked her about it, she said she was trying to get an extra day in for me because the week of the 8th, I will only have 2 days. She said she was trying to find a way to make sure I got 6 days on my paycheck. That's when I went in to the above conversation with her. She said she was going to ask Shelia to take Fri night off and if Shelia wouldn't agree then she'd maybe have me work day shift for her (Tami). We'll see what happens. But there goes yet another Fri that I am supposed to be off that I am working. Since the beginning of Jan, I have had 3 Fri's off out of 9. So much for holding up your end of the bargain, Tami.

The schedule for March is so fucked up. Supposedly it is only a rough draft, but something tells me it isn't.

The top picture is the schedule. I have 3 days each week, with the exception of the 8th when I have only 2 days. I have requested the 7th & 8th off due to The Child having a karate tournament on the 8th 2.5 hours away from us. I can't get off work at 7 am on Sat morning & be 2.5 hours up the road by 8:30am. So the 7th I have to be off (or not work 11-7). I have no idea when we will be home on the 8th so instead of screwing myself with no sleep after the tournament/traveling all day, I requested that night off also. A week later Shelia left Tami a note saying she was going out of town on the 8th & 9th. I at least filled out the time off request form. So Tami has Shelia & I off on the 7 & 8th & has Jimena working the audit shift those nights. Well then, this past week Jimena fills out her schedule for the days she can't work due to college/cheerleading/dance/whatever. Of course she can only work 3pm-8pm on Fri (not 11pm-7am) and she needs off on the 8th. So ... what are the odds that I am going to be working 11pm-7am the night of the 8th???? I can do it, yes, but it will be hard since I have no idea what time we will get home from the tournament that evening. I can sleep in the car on the way home but knowing Hubby, he will be making his frequent stops so it won't be a full 2.5 hour nap. The only good thing I can see is that night time will go forward an hour so it would be a 7 hour shift instead of the normal 8 hours. But still, I put my time off in first, I filled out the required time off request form. I did everything right, everything I was supposed to yet I will be probably be the one to suffer. I'm not going to say anything (volunteer to work) until Tami approaches me to ask me "is there anyway you can work the 8th ..." Hopefully I won't be bitchy enough to agree only if she gives me 4 days every week ...

I'll try to remember to write about my ultrasound/Dr. appointment in my next entry ...

Till next time ....