Internalized Anger and Bad Tempers in meh...

I have spent my life trying to be the peacemaker. I concede when others wrong me. I take it on the chin every time. If I were to act on instinct whenever I needed to stand up for myself or was provoked to anger, I’d be in jail. I have warning signals and mechanisms in place to keep me from snapping; if I’m constantly pressed and pushed, it’s over for all involved.

I don’t need a gun. Offenses are personal. What I can inflict, the way I inflict is deeply personal and I’m coming with fists or knives. Damn a gun. Guns are for pussies. I want my offender to see me angry and know they pushed me to this should I have to beat the fuck out of them.

My temper:
-I think harmful (to others) thoughts
-causes me to internalize boiling anger to keep from hurting someone
-I plot to do things and manipulate situations that cause trouble for those that anger me
-I say hurtful, evil, and provocative things that don’t deescalate the situation
-my first instinct is to throw a punch and am always ready to fight
-insignificant and big avoidable stupid shit sets me ablaze instantaneously

I recognize this in me and I don’t want to be like this for my health’s sake, for my family’s sake, for the sake of humanity. I am seriously trying to change my life and my way of thinking. Trying to nip my triggers in the bud.

The other side of all of this is, oddly, I’m generally and genuinely kind, caring, compassionate. Being alive, going through various things on the way through this life, has caused me to be calloused and cynical. I’ve recognized this conditioning and have made moves to be soft like I use to be, but carry the wisdom that I’ve gained from my experiences in this thing called life. I guess this is how I forgive, but I don’t forget. I guess not forgetting kind of shoots down the rest of what I’m trying to accomplish.

I am in constant prayer and communion with the Holy Trinity (not the New Orleans type) and consciously stop my reactions, or, I rebuke myself for acting in this way when I’m taken there.

I recognize that I’m not perfect and I’m hella, HELLA flawed, but compared to some folks, I’m a veritable saint.

I know I come here and whine and fuss, but I ask for your forgiveness for this darkness. I had to get this out. Not to pass onto you, but to release it off of me. At least I can admit I have darkness. At any rate…

Peace, blessings, love and light to whom ever reads this.
The very same even to those who don’t… ::smiles::

Kindest regards,
Sister