Monday looking through time TEXTWALL in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Friday… became a whole big thing. I won’t go into too much detail but I will say: It was very Law & Order SVU. Paperwork flying around at the last minute to try to grab a specific type of evidence signed off by a judge before they left for the week in order to investigate a sexual assault. Alexandra Cabot, eat your heart out. Then when I got home, Wife and I drove to Des Moines for the weekend. I’ll talk about that, of course, but I want to do this in Chronological Order.

The original reason I started the PM Dawn entry was to communicate a specific thing. Of course, life happened and totally got in the way of me writing it but as it is still in my head, it is still something I can communicate.
I was on some forums on Friday afternoon… essentially, waiting for the explosion that came… and I said a few things that I’ve always thought. To my mind, they were not insightful nor clever… merely an observation that anyone else could have (likely would have) made. And then I saw the support boom. Like after like after upvote after upvote after support statement after support statement. And… like a vainglorious little bastard, I followed these back. Because if some non-fan trolling the forums is supporting me… I can’t feel good about that. If it is someone whose social media page is adorned in fandom offering that support? I can (did) feel utterly humble and grateful. And do you know what I discovered?
Some of the people that were wildly supporting me and my fandom statements? Were knock outs and true fans. Like an Aussie Surfing Babe whose page was 90% Buffy and 10% Surfing. Or a British Fox whose page was 80% Comic Book Fandom and 20% her amazing wardrobe choices. Or an unnecessarily timid amateur Cosplayer Hottie whose love of Anime is rivaled only by her love of Cosplay.
And it got me thinking. I grew up in the age of “Hide your nerdiness.” It wasn’t celebrated, we weren’t Pop Culture. I literally was made to be embarrassed for being a fan of a show called Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I was told to stop talking about Star Wars because sci-fi fantasy was for toddlers. Or my favorite: “When are you going to grow up and stop reading comic books?” Celebrating my Dorkier Side was highly discouraged. And so one of the big reasons why my Wife and I got together… this is an attractive girl that loves Star Trek and collects the Sandman Comics. My world had otherwise been almost entirely devoid of “attractive girls” that were “willing to talk to me” that also “shared an interest in the Dorkier Things.” So that is honestly a big reason why we got together.
I guess I started thinking what a shame it was that rejecting who I am for so long… may have prevented me from finding someone who I could be more compatible with in some ways.

Another interesting/noteworthy thing? I have an app that tells me what kind of social events are around. A way to figure out how to connect. As we drove from our house to my parents house on Friday, I checked it periodically. For the month around us? 3 events. Total. The closer and closer we got to Des Moines? The shorter the time span and the larger the number of events. Taking me from a starting point of “3 events in this month” to a “30 Events this hour”. Granted, I’m not so much of an events kind of guy necessarily; but if I wanted to meet people? Events would be where to do it. So if I wanted to expand my social circle in any way… at least that is why I was thinking about it.

Couple’s Counseling was on Saturday.
We mentioned and focused on two things.
(1) Wife’s anxiety and issues surrounding the dog. Both good and bad, and how that showed both of us a little more about each other. How I saw how Wife was with the Dog and understood her fears and ‘correcting” methods.... how she saw my patience duality… extreme patience for a long time but slow or non-existing improvement will provoke an immediate response.
(2) Now that Wife has verified that there are no classes she can take in the summer… I’m struggling with not rubbing her face in the epic mountain of I Told You So. So we explored that and discussed it. Essentially coming up with the understanding that… I still have a lot of resentment. And the cool thing? Wife understands that resentment and kind of “defended me” to the therapist about it. After all, Wife said, Chris has watched as I’ve talked and talked but I’ve not put enough action behind it. If he feels resentment about talking and me not taking action; he has every reason to. Which is… good. To a point. That resentment being understood is good… but I’d much rather see it inspire real sustainable change. I do think this is going to be a bit of the focus for our next session (or at least, I hope it is). Because… there is a lot of resentment. And that resentment is going to be focused on Wife or on any woman I am involved with romantically until it gets resolved.

We also had our last Dragon Lance Game of the campaign on Saturday. Pretty epic. I won’t recount the entire story of the whole thing but… let’s just say at the end of the campaign, we found The Great Evil causing our lands and people to die; The Great Evil transformed into a being of almost God Like Power… and our cleric sacrificed her life to trap it in a Prison Dimension for All Eternity.

Sunday Morning came. Wife stayed at my parents to watch the dog, and Mom and Dad and I went to church to work the Hospitality Staffing. See, my Dad runs an usher team and my Mom volunteers as a Greeter so when I’m in town, they often appreciate the extra help. So, I’m working at the church… helping people find seats, greeting people, handing out pamphlets, working the Offering, all that jazz. And, as so often happens, my eyes are drinking up all the visuals. I attend a church with a membership roster of over 10,000 people. This church is located in one of the wealthier and younger parts of the state of Iowa. Bodies, Hair, Faces, Outfits… easily some of the most attractive women in our state are a large number of the people I’m greeting. Hell, in the last five years- our area was responsible for three Miss Iowa Winners. And again… I kick my past self. I grew up in a world of beauty and fashion… and instead of being able to take advantage of it… I was intimidated by it. Instead of being able to then approach all manner of women; it caused me to freeze up around women I found especially attractive. An irritating and unfortunate flaw.

After church, Wife, Nala, and I drove to Ames to hang out with my Brother, SIL, Niece and Brother’s Friend. It was fun! But tiring!! Then, I was an idiot. On the drive home, the big toe of my right foot was driving me absolutely and totally insane. This is one of those fibromyalgia things… pain, yes, but the overactive nerves can send other sensations and this one was driving me up a wall. So… excuse me for grossness, I ripped off my shoe and sock, cranked my foot to my head, grabbed that toenail with my teeth and ripped. Causing most of the nail to be removed. Leading to blood and a minor limp (currently). But… that is the Firbo way… trading one sensation of pain for another. And with me? The prolonged, dull, ever present pain is typically a little more manageable than the intermittent, sharp, inconsistent pain. When we got home it was fairly late and I went straight to bed. Wife graciously unloaded the car and unpacked everything. So that when I woke up this morning, even my toiletries were unpacked and placed in their usual spot. I really appreciated that, actually.

When I got up this morning, Nala was definitely in her Monday Mood. Inner Monologue could be translated thusly: I don’t see Daddy much, so he’s awake now. I’m going to STRETCH get out of bed STRETCH ARMYCRAWL TO DOOR and eat some food. Now Daddy has the door open. I’ma run out there. He says good girl when I pee. PEE. He didn’t say it. I don’t feel like playing. Oh yeah. The other one. POOP LOTS. RUN TO DOOR. SMILE AT DADDY. WAG TAIL. RUN TO BEDROOM DOOR. SIT. I am sitting here until Daddy opens that door, then I am going back to bed. Daddy opened the door! SKIPS TO BED LAYS DOWN UNCONSCIOUS. And rest assured, she’ll be sleeping most of the day!

Of course… I was in my End of the Month Mood. Which means… I’m acknowledging that it has been exactly one month since I last had sex. And in that realization reiterating that I have only had sex three times this year. I could use a good shag. Or at the very least… a solid 5 hour chunk of time to watch pornography and masturbate until I’m empty. Either or, at this point.

AM Work was… interesting. Started with repairing some forms my boss did a few months ago. The Investigating Officer asked why certain dates, locations, and charges didn’t conform to his report. I looked into it, confirmed that the officer was in the right, and discretely fixed the issues. Followed by a fellow attorney dropping by my office and asking for a jump for his car. Poor guy. We were out there for probably 45 minutes and nothing. At that point, I had to excuse myself because I had a hearing. Did the hearing. Came out. Tow Truck Driver was looking over his car. Apparently one of his battery’s wires came completely disconnected somehow. Yet another blessing of not being a Private Attorney anymore. Sure there’s less money in it; but there are also a lot fewer headaches involving traveling all over the state! As I got back to the office, I got a very helpful e-mail from a judge helping me figure out the exact legal procedural specifics of an evidence collection question. I communicated that to my Officer during my lunch hour.

Now… what’s left?

• Filing Charges
• Reviewing Boss’ work so I can cover his hearings tomorrow
• Working Out, which will be hard due to TOE and because I PLATEAU’D
• Watching Dragon Ball Super and Jeopardy
• Eat Dinner
• Play Borderlands 2 and Mortal Kombat 11 because I haven’t had any video game time in many days and I’m going to demand/carve some out for me. Either that or reading erotic literature to stimulate me.