A Little Bit of Everything in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

FIRST

Let’s do a bit of a recap of last night. Which, due to me being me will undoubtedly and invariably spiral off into a self-reflective tangent demonstrating my penchant for over thinking things. Hoo. Ray. :p NOTE: Instead of using Image Breaks to separate ideas, I’ll use the FIRST, SECOND format. Otherwise, this’ll just be text wall and that isn’t fun for readers. So I’ll throw images in wherever. Not that this won’t still contain text walls and bore you all senseless. I do manage to get rather self-reflective in places. But at least ‘Text Wall Number 5” contains personal information about me that none of my readers is likely to know.

Yesterday was… a day. Magistrate Court and the Afternoon at Work became… interesting. Phone call after bloody phone call after bloody phone call. Honestly… folks, I’m sorry if your attorney had a family emergency. I’m not willing nor capable of ignoring the fact that you DO HAVE COUNSEL. If you ‘just want to take care of everything today over the phone’.... I’M NOT EVEN THE PERSON THAT DECIDES THAT. Sorry! There is a Defense Attorney in the area… a good guy, not like my quickly developing Nemesis, but he smokes like 9 packs a day, doesn’t exercise, and has a very ill family. So… things don’t happen quickly with him. This past week alone: his aunt died, his father is in surgery, and he needs to get his cracked rib looked at. SO… people are upset that he asked for continuances. And each phone call was pretty much the exact fucking same. Charge: Domestic Assault; Facts: Defendant definitely attacked their partner, but partner doesn’t want to cooperate with Prosecution; Plea Offer: Plead to a Domestic, to preserve enhancement potential, face minimum consequences. So (surprisingly) everyone wanted to take that deal… but couldn’t without their lawyer present… so they were upset that a Protection Order would still be in place over the Easter Holiday. This is where my 12 years of Retail Experience comes in handy. Because no matter what you’re actually thinking… simply smile, express regret that more can’t be done, and encourage them to speak to the individual who has power to help them. Because what I’m actually thinking, I’m not allowed to say. If you’re so dedicated to Christ, instead of jumping up and down on the Wives Submit To Your Husband controlling and abusive angle of the verse, maybe spend more time contemplating the part that says Husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church, sacrificing his own life for her sake… and that husbands should love their wives as they love themselves for a man should not harm himself or his wife!!! (Ephesians 5:22-33). Because… I mean… shit, son. How can you come to me and express your desperate need to be with your family on Easter, ‘because Easter is so important, you know’… while you are doing drugs, getting drunk, and beating up your wife? Seriously. (PS: I know someone in the comments will say, “They’re just using Easter as an excuse, they probably aren’t that Faithful just hoping to use the Holiday as a bargaining chip.” You’re likely right but whether they are or aren’t honestly doesn’t mean anything to me. If you’re Faithful, stop hurting people. If you’re not, don’t pretend to be to circumvent the rules.)

After work, went home. As per usual, Wife was on the couch watching Netflix… puppy laying next to her on the couch. Though… I do love when I come home and Nala (1) hears me open the door; (2) raises her head to see who it is; (3) slowly gets off the couch; then (4) run/prances over to me, her tail wagging so hard that the entire back half of her body is going from side to side with it. I checked with Wife on her progress for the day. She had (1) tidied up the kitchen a bit; (2) called somebody to come give us an estimate on fence construction; (3) and had started her FAFSA as I came home. She said she had not walked the dog and had given Nala ‘room time’ so she could clean the kitchen. ::shrug:: I’m trying not to act in the role of “Critical Parental Figure” and just… support her when she makes good decisions. That being said… I don’t know. Call me an asshole but if I had 9 hours at home by myself (with the dog)… I likely would have (1) done laundry; (2) done dishes; (3) cleaned the kitchen; (4) completed the FAFSA; (5) taken the dog for a walk; (6) masturbated at least once; and (7) gotten in an hour or two of video game time. That isn’t being critical or hypothetical… in reviewing older entries, this month is When I was out of work last year. BUT again… as Wife is quick to point out… we had two very different upbringings. Whereas I had my Father who was constantly pushing us to do and be and achieve… she did not; she was encouraged to simply exist and ‘whatever.’ Fine… but, uh, time to start learning to do and be. I don’t give a shit about achieve but… this is life and it is ending one day at a time… chop chop… get to living… time’s a-wasting.

Speaking of, I contacted my Aunt and Cousin about Hawaii plans. They said anytime would be fine but Cousin is going to try to be out of there by September so if we didn’t feel like sharing, we could wait until fall. Frankly? I mean… I totally appreciate that but I would honestly prefer to have cousin there. I’ve never been to Hawaii for any reason whatsoever. He and his Wife have been living there for almost a year. I would love to have a semi-native around to make things… less awkward… as we tried to navigate things. So that is a phone call I have to make next week. And… shitty as it may sound, I have 100% decided to go without Wife if she thinks she can’t make it. Like… I’m accommodating her schedule, don’t get me wrong. I want to go in July but she thinks that would conflict with classes. Fine. So we don’t go in July. But after we schedule this; it stays on the calendar. If we book August 24 to September 2; and then you say But my classes… I’ll go solo.

That reminded me about the Okoboji Conference. At this time Nala was sitting by the back door… I’ve flat out told Nala that I need her help to open doors and that they open if she sits in front of one and waits long enough… so I opened the door to the outside so she could go out there and do her business. As she peed/pooped, I called the Okoboji Retreat Hotel to book my room. As we’ve had so many years there, I know every inch of the place by their reference statements (btw). As I speak with the Desk Clerk, Nala finishes Bathroom Time and decides “I haven’t had a walk today. I want to walk today. So, y’know what? I’m going to take myself on a walk today!” She just starts walking the normal route. Honestly starts taking herself on a normal walk pattern… without leash or collar. So I kind of stay right behind her, to make sure she doesn’t scarper, but I can’t grab her because I’m using one hand on the phone. The Desk Clerk says they can certainly accommodate a single, would I like Boardwalk with Lake View or Cabin with Privacy. I know both choices well. Boardwalk is basically a closet room with a bed and TV but a decent view of water; the Cabin is pretty tiny (it is where Cousin Jen From Jeopardy stayed at the Family Reunion) but has a ‘separate rooms’ design with a bedroom, living room, kitchen setup. I’ll admit… dishonorably, I did think for a millisecond “Which one would be better if I picked someone up at a bar?” But ultimately, I simply opted for Boardwalk out of tradition. Boardwalk is where I stay when visiting for Professional Reasons; Cabin Community is where I stay when visiting for Family Purposes.

Having completed the phone call, I caught Nala, turned her around and said, “Time to go home!” That was enough for her. She followed me back to the house and then ran around a bunch being playful. We both went inside the house and I changed into workout gear because it was a workout day. NOTE: Last workout day, when it was just me putting Nala in the room… I opened the door, put her bed/toys/water in the room, she walked in, I shut the door. The first time she was ever like “Okay, I get the drill. You have to leave, but you’re coming back. I’m gonna be sad and unhappy but by the time I really start to wonder if I’ve been abandoned, you’ll be back. So I can work this!” I was hoping for a repeat but… Wife felt so bad about having to give Nala ‘room time’ twice in one day that she made it a bigger deal than it needed to be. She had me grab the Nylabone and hide treats in it so that Nala would be rewarded for being in the room. I’m okay with it… really rather neutral. It took extra time and… I honestly think Nala would have preferred a walk as a means of working her out before the room instead… but I see it as follows: The Dog needs to learn that Human Schedule takes priority; Wife is learning (slowly but surely) that Dog is PART of Human Life not Central of Human Life. Then we left to exercise.

This portion has.... a message? An example? Something that I’m going to discuss that I believe may or may not have significance in understanding me and some of my approach to life? I don’t know how to say it… but look for it, I’m sure you’ll see it.

We go to the gym and, for me, it is a running day. I’m trying to mix Weights and Running with Pure Running because… uhm… I’ve heard that’s good for you? And because as much as I would love to rock a 5K, it would also be cool to have the body functionality required to run a Gladiator Run? Or something like that. Anyway, Wednesday was a Pure Run Day (using the Arc Trainer, our gym only has one and it is next to the row of Ellipticals though most people don’t know if/that there is a difference between the Arc and the Ellipticals.) When we arrived, there was a knockout using the Elliptical Machine right next to the Arc Trainer. And the rest of the Elliptical Machines were free. This girl was totally my type (I say that but I still don’t know what MY TYPE is; so I suppose the use of the phrase here simply means I liked everything I saw very much). Long hair in a super cute pony tail; good chest for her body… not huge but not minuscule, in proportion; flat tummy; strong runners legs with thick but muscular thighs. I didn’t see her face (which can often be either an immediate Aw Hell No! or a Holy Fuck I’m in Love factor) but what I could see was definitely attractive. ANYWAY what Wife and I usually do when we get to the gym is put our stuff in a cubby, talk a little while we stretch, and then go workout. As this routine process was going on, I started to over analyze and feel concern for when I would go to the Arc Trainer. IF the girl running didn’t know that there was a difference between the Arc and the Elliptical… would she be offended that I chose the machine directly next to her, as opposed to one of the others that was not so ‘space invasive.” Would she think that I was trying to hit on her? Would she think I was some Gym Creep who comes in to pick up girls? I played in my head all those things… all the things that I have been told at one time or another. AND NOT EVEN BY PEOPLE IRL. In the old Open Diary Days when I would try to discuss Life as a Single Man and Being Single Having Never Learned How to Date and Single Trying to Get Dates and all of those entries.... all of those negative comments about being a creep, a perv, and worse flood my head. So that the scenario that played out in my brain was the following:
Creepy, smelly, dirty, fat, old man (me) invades the workout space of Attractive Girl; she looks over offended and, seeing that I’ve gotten her attention I smile at her in a disgusting attempt at being charming. She rolls her eyes and sneers at me with disgust before suppressing a shudder and increasing her run speed- now hoping that she can simply end her workout faster and get away from the Creep next to her.

So… imagine my existential, thorough relief when the young woman finished her run and departed before my Wife and I were done with our pre-exercise chat. In that moment, acknowledging the relief I felt at that situation resolving itself… I also felt truly pathetic and dishonorable. Pathetic in that sharing space with an attractive person gave me that anxiety… and dishonorable that, as a married man, such a thing would still give me anxiety at all.

I got on the Arc, set it for 55 minutes and ran. Wife was finished before the 55 minutes were up but, as I had run more than 2.5 miles by that point anyway, I was cool with leaving. Unless I’m actively trying to break a record or “go for something” I am fine ending a workout whenever as long as I’ve hit at least 2 miles and over 700 Calories Burned.

We drove home and got Nala out of the room; fed her dinner and put more water in her bowl. But… there was a smell. We didn’t see any evidence of Nala Poop anywhere in the room or the house, but the windows were open. And Farm Smells are known to travel. :( One negative of our current living space. So we shut the house up again and Wife made dinner. We ate, watched Jeopardy (wife is REALLY getting sick of James Holzhauer) then we watched “What We Do In The Shadows.” We loved the movie and the TV Show, despite not being as consistently hilarious, does a good job of encapsulating the spirit of the film with different characters and a different setting. DO YOU LIKE BASGHETTI?!

At this point it was already late(ish). Somewhere around 9:45 p.m. I was going to take Nala out again but she was absolutely asleep… super happy to be with her entire pack as she has come to understand it. Instead, I stood up and… got a dirty look from Wife. I asked after her and she said (in that sarcastic, critical tone), “I guess you’re going to go play video games now.” Obviously, this bothered her so I inquired again. She responded, “It doesn’t bother me, really. But it just seems that you do that EVERY night now. Like… every night you go off and play video games, y’know?” I shot back (perhaps too quickly) that after 14 hours of work and dog and wife time per day, an hour or two of video games wasn’t too much, was it? She slowly agreed in that way a child might when they know they’re being unreasonable. But as it clearly was something that bothered her, I told her that I was not going to go downstairs and play video games… instead, I would go to bed. She objected to this as well since it wasn’t even past 10:00 yet. I reasoned it out with her. If I’ve consistently been getting less than 5 hours of sleep on my APAP every night; then I’m not getting enough sleep and therefore it would make sense to attempt to get to sleep earlier in hopes of getting at least over 7 hours of sleep… especially since an Insurance Company can refuse payment on APAP/CPAP machines if they can argue the patient isn’t using it correctly… which many Insurance Companies will say if the machine is consistently getting readings below 7 hours. This, apparently, was good enough reason to her and I went to bed.

I grew up with a father who liked Early Bedtimes and a mother who liked Late Bedtimes; so this kind of scenario isn’t upsetting or odd. Dad would often be in bed between 8 and 9; Mom would go to bed between 11 and 12. That being said… it just confuses me more that Wife is always so adamant that we share a bed. Well, confuses and doesn’t. I know that she’s aware that if we weren’t sharing a bed; I’d lose a feeling of connection really fast. Even if she isn’t in bed when I fall asleep, having her there when I wake up… that at least does something to/for me. Unlike my father, however, it takes me forever and a day to get to sleep. I can go to the bedroom around 9 and still be struggling to fall asleep at 11. Apparently, that was not the case last night!

I woke up this morning around 6:00 and the machine had logged around 7.5 hours of use! That is easily the most so far this week!

Nothing else really to report on the day-to-day situation here. Typically, the mornings see me put Nala outside a bit, bring her back in, get her back in her bed, and that’s it. This morning, she was VERY much Daddy’s Girl and when I sat down to put shoes on to take her outside, she sat next to me, curled into a ball, put her head on my lap, and bang fell right back to sleep. lol. I’m both excited and nervous about this weekend.
Driving to Cedar Falls
Meeting a new person (trainer)
Going through Training for the first time
Driving to Des Moines
Meeting my Parents
Experiencing a totally new house (for the first time since we got her)
Experiencing a fenced in yard (which she hasn’t had)

A lot of big, important, potentially scary things for one day. Fingers crossed for her.

SECOND

I’m not a mind reader, but considering my Facebook Content and the content I typically put on this site, some of you may be wondering where my analysis of the Redacted Mueller Report is. Certainly I would write something up about the 400 Page Report that I’ve obviously read and would all but assuredly have an opinion about. AND you’re not wrong on a lot of that. But… at least for now… I’ve decided to refrain from speaking about the Mueller Report. At the end of the day, it changes nothing. The President of the United States is a Criminal (pre-election) who repeatedly breaks with Presidential Decorum, Protocol, and Norms in an effort to hide his business dealings, personal wealth, and Russian Business Ties. He repeatedly obstructed justice, encouraged active enemies of the United States, and on one known and proven occasion improperly gave Russian Government Agents classified information that put United States Allies in a compromised position. None of this can be or has been refuted. Yet the White House, Trump Administration, and GOP have repeatedly broken protocol, broken procedure, broken rules, and violated their own ethical codes in an attempt to NEVER appear to disfavor Trump. It is… near cult-like support in the Halls of Power with a near blind worship from Trump Supporters. To the point where Barr, despite being all but forced to admit that there were substantial allegations of Obstruction of Justice… still gave a PRE-RELEASE press conference to try to spin everything for Trump including using the Trump Greatest Hits such as the media was after Trump and he gets angry because he had to worry about the investigation while doing his job.

So no. I won’t do an analysis entry about the Mueller Report. Aside from what I have just shared, I won’t discuss the Barr bullshit this week. Our country took a High Powered Rifle and shot itself directly in the foot on November 8, 2016. And every few months, we grab a different gun and do it all over again. Sometimes, we’re lucky… we just grab a paintball gun and the damage, while certainly agitating the preexisting wound, does no more damage.... other times, we take a shotgun and just all but blow that foot off! And what benefit is there for me to sit here and describe the wound?
There are three camps
(1) Those who see the wound and scream “Can we fix this?! Can we do something about this?!”
(2) Those who ignore the wound and wish to keep shooting
(3) Those who see the wound and scream “All right! That foot sucked anyway, I’d rather it be destroyed!”

Those three will never share the same book again let alone be on the same page. So there is nothing I can say, analyze, or argue in the Mueller Report that would do any good.

Though I will say it SHOULD be noted that one Legal Scholar suggested (after reading the report) that the reason Mueller could not decide upon OBSTRUCTION was that, despite the President actively seeking to obstruct and actively taking steps TO obstruct; the obstruction did not reach conclusion as others within the President’s staff acted to prevent it. Translation: The President totally tried to obstruct justice and thought he was obstructing justice but he didn’t actually obstruct justice because people around him stopped it from happening behind the President’s back. These are the same people that have stated this week that they are absolutely SWEATING BULLETS because they know how angry the President will be that they did not do as he asked. So… swallow THAT pill. Trump tried to obstruct justice, his staff saved his ass, his staff is worried that he’ll be furious because they saved his ass.

THIRD

The Noon Hour has arrived and I’ve gotta say… this lack of stuff to do while my boss is running around like a Chicken with his Head Cut Off? Makes me feel kind of bad… but also feels like pay back for last year. Is that wrong? Should I feel bad about that?

I mean… Chinese was broken as hell trying to make me work 29 hours a day, pay me for 3, and then yell at me for not doing more. This job? I do my job and, to my knowledge (and from what the rest of the Government Here says) I’m doing a good job at my job. But Bossman has to worry about the politics, and has opted to take the Drug, OWI, and High Felony case load. Leaving me with the Special Victims, Juvenile, and Magistrate case load. So… yeah. There are going to be weeks where he’s up to his earballs in shit and I’m sitting pretty. Because Magistrate? That is only ever 3 days per case TOPS. Juvenile? Maaaaaaybe 1 day a month. Special Victims? Don’t get me wrong… they come with their own world of complicated, unfortunate headaches. But those headaches are usually stapled to a file that says, “Victim requests we dismiss charges.” SO… if I throw a plea offer out there, I can rest assured that the victim isn’t going to yell at me for “going easy.” GRANTED… you’ll find that I’ll still bitch when things get hard, annoying, emotionally taxing, or genuinely busy. Because… of course I would. But this week has mostly been slow enough to make me feel downright tired due to slow at the end of the day. It is a very different tired from Tired Due to Busy. Tired due to Busy is a hit the end of the day, collapse into bed, hope sleep comes instantly kind of tired. Tired due to Slow is a I’m leaving work, fighting to keep my eyes open, hope I don’t crash the car driving home kind of tired.

That being said, there are two topics I want to discuss here still and then I’ll hit that publish button. Maybe I’ll discuss them well, maybe I’ll discuss them poorly, and maybe by discussing them at all… I’ll earn the wrath and ire of readers and they shall feel compelled to hunt me down with pitchforks and rotten eggs. Either way… all up to y’all.

FOURTH

All right… let’s start with THE PILE OF SHAME.

Every video gamer, reader, movie fan… every collector and enjoyer of stories has (at one time or another) collected a Pile of Shame. Though the name may not mean what you think it means. It is not the pile of H-Games or the Romance Novel Pile or the collection of Uwe Boll BluRays. The Pile of Shame is something you’ve owned, but never used your copy of. A game you own is on your pile of shame if you’ve never played it ever, a book you own is on your pile of shame if you’ve never read it ever, a movie you own is on your pile of shame if you’ve never watched it ever. NOTE: Seeing in theaters, reading at the Library, or playing the game at your friend’s house precludes it from being in your Pile of Shame… you own a version you’ve never used but you’ve at least experienced the content before. A Pile of Shame is “Owned, Never Opened, Never Enjoyed.”

I have THREE piles of shame in my life and they are all… tragic and constant reminders that I WANT to get through my piles of shame but.... who has that kind of time and freedom?!
Pile of Shame 1: Movies. I collect specific movies. Jet Li films, John Cusack movies, and DC Animated films. There are a few DC Animated Films that I have not watched yet… and I’m picking another one up over the weekend. Justice League vs. The Fatal Five. Adding to my Pile of Shame reinforces the Shame. However, Andrea Romano, Bruce Timm, and everybody at Warner Brothers Animation have typically done a good job. Obviously, Teen Titans Go can jump off the largest tower in Jump City and die. Also, the first 30 minutes of “The Killing Joke” is… wow, so bad. Especially for something that should have been SO good. It is like they took this amazing 30 meter piece of classic, beloved baroque artwork… and arbitrarily attached 10 meters of Ofili’s mixed-media garbage onto it for no reason. But otherwise… they do a pretty good job.
Pile of Shame 2: Books. I love books. I love to read. Law School really did a number on that, as one might expect!! But still… some of my absolute BEST vacation memories are me, a lake, and a book. That’s how I got through the Ludlam books in 2 days. Just me, tea in the morning/sherry at night, reading and hearing nature all around me. Peaceful, blissful, wonderful. Obviously, I haven’t had an opportunity like that in quite some time. And my family, loath to get me Super Hero or Video Game or DVD items for Christmas, have been giving me the books on my “Always Wanted to Read” list. Which means my Literary Pile of Shame has some beautiful, wonderfully written classics that are merely accumulating dust. The collected works of Dickens, The Heart of Darkness, Paradise Lost, the collected works of Joyce, the collected works of Wells, The Foundation Series by Asimov, 4 books by William Gibson, The Exigenesis of Philip K. Dick, and many other thousand-plus page books that people have given me for personal, professional, relationships, political reasons. So much reading to do that sadly may never happen.
Pile of Shame 3: Video Games. I super enjoy video games. The best ones are stories that you can walk around in and/or make decisions about. Right after those kind are the ones where you play with friends and create good memories. Right after those kind are the ones where you can create things that are unique and almost entirely yours. And… yeah. Video Games are designed to take time. There are many video games where I must admit… I have spent MORE than 100 hours playing. I get how that can be just jaw-droppingly pathetic to some people. I understand that. But let’s move beyond that judgment for a moment, shall we? I am presently completing the final Difficult Trophy Challenges in Borderlands 2. But the Pile of Shame is… way larger than I am happy with! Like… way larger. AND 2 new games coming in to add to that. Pile of Shame includes now or will soon
- Borderlands the Presequel
- The Uncharted Trilogy Pack
- Soul Calibur 6
- The Evil Within
- Stein’s Gate 0
- Borderlands GOTY
- Mortal Kombat 11
and there are probably a few that I’m forgetting here!

THUS… why 14 hours a day plus weekends that are eaten up by near countless obligations… tend to make me want to enjoy one or two hours doing something that I want to do without needing to concern myself with what someone ELSE wants to do or concerning myself with other obligations, requirements, or duties. I have so much I want to see, read, play and so little time for any of it!!

FIFTH

I actually feel like I’ve been putting this one off. Like, even though it is MY space and I can choose to discuss something or not… I’ve been finding ways to not discuss this despite wanting to because… I don’t know. Because I fear these thoughts put me in a bad light? Because these thoughts require me to be both vulnerable and critical? Because this whole section feels like opening my pants, demanding everyone look at my penis, and being okay with the fact that some people are going to shout “Where is it?!” Yeah… complicated thoughts that I genuinely want to discuss but am uncertain if I am able to, talented enough to write them well enough to be understood, all the self-doubt and questions.

I am a male gendered member of the human species. There are those that tell me that I am not unattractive… that I am youthful looking. Despite being 60 pounds overweight… there are some who say I look good.

Then… there’s stuff like yesterday.

Sure, it is fun… scandalous… and a little hopeful… to think, “Okay… 4 days flying solo in Okoboji. I could go to a bar, pick up a girl for a casual thing, and have some fun.” Or better yet, “If I have to go to Hawaii solo, I could find a hot local or some girl on vacay looking for a casual hookup and have a good time!” But it is obvious that such a thing would never happen. Not even because of an “I’m so honorable, I’m so faithful” approach to life. More often than not, that’s just a cover… an acceptable, complimentary way of looking better while truthfully simply masking my own fears and inadequacies.

Because in reality? I’m always that guy at the gym. That guy that sees a woman that I consider attractive… that, if given a chance, I would love to buy a drink, get to know her, find out what her hopes and dreams are, really get to know what makes her tick… and then do everything in my power to give her orgasmic ecstasy that makes her feel both rejuvenated and drained all at once. But will never even get her name. I’ve always been that guy. Largely because I’ve always been the guy trying to respect boundaries, not push, not offend.

Con su permiso, and with a great mea culpa to those who are bored of this… I would like to do a rundown to show what I mean:

(1) First Serious Crush Theresa: Never told her, never followed up on it in any way

(2) Second Crush Christi: Never told her, went to her friend to find out what to do, got “set up”

(3) First Girlfriend Tiffany Number 1: Christi’s friend who told me the only way to get Christi was to do X, Y, Z… then after I did those, told me SHE wanted to date me instead and I just went with it.

(4) Third Crush: Adrian: Never told her, she hung out with one of the snobbiest kids in our school and I was afraid of being made a laughingstock by my social betters

(5) Fourth Crush Amy: This girl looked like Sarah Michelle Gellar’s younger sister… but she was in a long term, involved, physically abusive relationship and wouldn’t let anyone in ever.

(6) Fifth Crush Tammy: I ACTUALLY ASKED HER OUT… after 4 months literally agonizing over it… she rejected me cold, left me feeling like I was beneath her (but not her fault)

(7) Sixth Crush Jennifer: Volleyball/Softball Popular Blond girl that I spent 3 weeks with in Washington D.C. I ACTUALLY ASKED HER OUT… she rejected me passionately and emphatically and acted offended that I could think she’d be attracted to someone like ME.

(8) Seventh Crush Kaili: Definitely a bad girl but attractive. Smoked at 14. Never asked her out because as interesting, damaged, and attractive as she was? I didn’t want to deal with damaged as a prime personality descriptor of a girl.

(9) Eighth Crush Molly: Sweet girl, pretty face, great rack; but was obsessively in love with her boyfriend… complicated scenario as she was always his girlfriend but he was only occasionally her boyfriend… I really felt like she was being strung along (I was right) but knew she would never see it or give someone else the time of day while her eyes were consumed with him

(10) Weird Issue Kris: Not sure if Crush or Girlfriend as I thought I had asked her out and told her how I felt; but she started dating her ex instead… leaving me crushed and confused as a result.

(11) Second Girlfriend Tiffany Number 2: I had known this woman for 6 years… first started finding her attractive 4 years into the friendship but it didn’t become a crush until Sophomore Year of High School. Asking her out was a formality as we both knew we wanted to date one another. Broke up with me immediately upon returning from Spring Break because I was a rules following, straight laced, no joy buzzkill.

(12) Third “Girlfriend” Sarah: I had been pinning after Sarah for months and we dated casually before I actually asked her out. That lasted all of 5 days until she realized that “being my girlfriend” was just too embarrassing for her and she broke it off.

(13) Fourth Girlfriend Buffy: I met this young woman while pinning for Sarah. We were friends, GOOD close friends, for a solid 10 months before I mustered the courage to ask her out. She said yes, we had a great time, some of my best memories… but the fear remained and I never kissed her or made a move physically. She said I was too incapable of joy and we parted ways.

(14) Fifth Girlfriend Aku: I don’t have to tell you much on this one. Large Chested, Forward, Gregarious psychopath who tracked me down.... me, being who I am, thought “A girl that actually wants to be around me?! Like… romantically? And is willing to actually tell me, instead of make me guess/worry or wonder?! HOLY FUCK that never happens!” Of course what followed were the 10 worst, most soul crushing, horrendous, and life destroying months of my life.

(15) She Without Number Aoife: It is always difficult to find a proper place for her; but this is where it all started. She wanted me, I wanted her, we were good friends that genuinely cared about each other… but Aoife was so terrified of Aku that she didn’t want to acknowledge me or anything about us in public. So it stayed mostly a crush situation; to be investigated, explored in private, played with in shadows… but never really… become something. Off and on for 3 or 4 years until Aoife basically told me ‘Marry Her” and disappeared. So I guess… even here FEAR was the Master of the Dance.

(16) Ninth Crush Lizzie: A good friend with whom I spent almost every day of the summer before college. I did actually ask her out. She rejected me, saying she was far more interested in one of our star football players as opposed to the skinny theater kid. It is okay, though, as those two got married and are married to this day.

(17) Girl With the Kiss: Valentine’s Day of my Freshman Year in College was… very weird. My freshman year of college was hard… roomie issues stemming from porn and alcohol (my porn, his alcohol); 3 significant deaths in my family; very rough time in my Theater Scholarship… I had decided that my last show was going to be MY LAST SHOW. Eve Ensler had given special permission for colleges to add a MALE SCENE into Vagina Monologues for ONE “Take Back the Night” performance. The scene I had helped to write was selected as The One Male Scene to be put on by my college. Naturally, they cast me as lead/hero for having been part of the writing team. I figured… if I’m going to walk away from acting… this would be the performance to do it after. One Night Performance. I had invited all of my friends and my parents were going to come up. It was their 27th Wedding Anniversary and I was going to take them out for an expensive dinner, give them these amazing presents I had bought them, perform the show, then tell them I was quitting. Except… a giant snow storm hit, one might even call it historic. So my parents couldn’t come. Cancel everything, take photos of their presents and put those away, but we were only allowed to perform the scene ONCE so the show must go on! Nobody came. The house was packed, sure. But everyone that I had personally invited (no less than 30 people) didn’t come. And it was not an “ice/snow issue” as at least 20 of those people invited lived on campus. I was… a bit devastated. I didn’t even want to go back to my dorm because I didn’t want to see any of the people that had thought “But video games” would be an acceptable reason not to come see my show. So I walked to the house of a girl I had met only the week prior. I thought it would be a “Hey, rough day but you invited me over and I could use some good conversation. So tell me about yourself” kind of thing. When I got there, the house smelled like fire, lavender, and vanilla and the building had crudely and poorly been slapped together to form a 3-plex out of 1 home. Living Room was a bedroom (door, apartment number, key); across the hall was a bedroom marked as a different apartment (door, apartment number, key); the ‘upstairs’ (the attic) was the third (door, apartment number, key). The girl I was visiting lived in the Living Room “Apartment” and we watched Spider-Man and talked Veggie Tales and her Choir background. In something that is EXTRAORDINARILY out of character for me pre-age 21; I joined my host in drinking. The snow kept coming, getting worse, and she invited me to stay. Call me naive. I fell asleep. I awoke to her kissing me passionately. For reasons beyond my ability to now explain away, I returned the kissing. It was certainly a mistake as I had no romantic or sexual interest in the girl. But I think… the evening I’d had… positive messaging like that was very needed and I behaved foolishly because of it. After that night, we only ever saw each other when we bumped into each other on campus. We never intentionally hung out again.

(18) The Long Nothing. After that.. there was a long time where there was nothing really. I was in college, there were young eligible girls everywhere around me, and I certainly liked how many of them looked… but none of them.... inspired? me. I would think, “She plays cello, I play cello, she has good hair but… I’m not that interested.” Stuff like that. As if the previous 17 opportunities had inspired me to think “Consider carefully before any movement.”

(19) The Sixth Girlfriend Thompson: Huh… all things considered, it is appropriate to consider this “the girlfriend immediately after Aku” despite a several year gap between the two. Clearly I was still damaged or was always damaged or… something. I liked this girl. She was uniquely incredibly attractive, athletic, fun, and interesting. I had intended to ask her out during the summer… when she told me that she had been raped and, even though she knew how I felt, asked me to wait before asking her out because she needed time to recuperate. So I had intended to ask her out when her friends invited me as a surprise guest to cheer her up at her birthday several months later. She was thrilled to see me… but spent the evening almost entirely with her High School Ex that she dumped for dropping out of school to get 130% Baked Everyday. After that… things got weird and troubling. Many months later, I went to visit her at her place and (instead of asking me out or telling me she was ready) she played “Before The Night Is Over” by Gaelic Storm… on repeat. Definitely one of those girls asking, “Why didn’t he pick up on my signal?” A few months after that even… she came to visit my college. But not to see me. To see someone else. And she lied to me about it. Hurt me. And that same night we started dating. SO… that entire relationship started that way. Then after several months of a long distance relationship where I would drive to her place to leave her flowers when she was having a bad day… and she would.... never visit, never tell her friends and family about me, and never make an effort whatsoever… she decided to end it because I wasn’t good enough.

(20) Details: Shortly after this is when my body started completely falling apart. I became nonambulatory and had to start on my treatment, physical training, and medication. As I got more and more “on my feet” in many ways; my friends would take me to the dance clubs with them to spend time with me, keep me moving, and try to see if I would/could re-enter the dating pool. While dancing, there were several girls that caught my eye… and each one would turn up their nose when they saw that they’d caught my eye. I even directly approached one once to tell her that she was an excellent dancer and I’d love to hang out sometime. She laughed. Literally, honestly, truthfully. She laughed at me for that. Then went and sat down at a table followed shortly by all the girls at the table laughing. Yeaaaaaaaah. Nothing makes a 5‘7 158 pound guy feel like George Costanza quite like a table of attractive women in Dance Club Clothing laughing at you.

(21) Tenth Crush Shanon: I’ve mentioned Shanon often. She and I became friends… she and I *heavily flirted… but Shanon enjoyed drug culture and casual sex with assorted men. I was still a virgin. It wasn’t just intimidating… it felt exclusionary? Not sure if that’s the right term. It felt like… what kind of asshole approaches a woman and says, “I find you beautiful, sexy, and fun to be with. I want to date you in a monogamous, serious relationship. I know sex is important to you, but I’ve never had it and I may want to take my time getting there.” It just… it felt stupid. So I never pursued it.

(22) Seventh Girlfriend Wife: So… the next person I dated… who I certainly have talked about a lot in these pages… is my Wife. I figured… with Shanon in my life, if I get shot down so far as to be excessively down on myself, she and I could always at least make out and I’d feel better… so throw myself out there again, why not? So when I was at the Dance Club with friends again… I saw a short girl that looked intense, attractive, and interesting… approached her and we struck up a conversation. After successfully talking to an attractive girl and not being laughed at, I thought “Good for you, buddy” and returned to my friends. The girl, it seemed, was following me back to the table. It was a friend of Shanon’s!! She and I hit it off, talked all night, danced all night, and at the end of the night… I was definitely smitten. Which is when Shanon told me that her friend was in a long term relationship and had just bought a house with the guy. Okay, so never seeing her again! Except, as we know, that isn’t how that happened. I decided that I really liked her but would never be That Guy that would chase after a taken woman… that was dishonorable… so I simply stopped going to things if I knew she would be there. Then she tracked me down.... told me she wanted to be with me.

Now… that isn’t necessarily the end of the list of women I found attractive or had a crush on (remember the girls of Pretrial Release?) … but that is pretty much the end of my “trying to pick someone up” life. After all, when Aoife disappeared after saying “Marry Her”… Wife was the HER to whom she was referring. So in a world where my preferences would have been Shanon of 2006, Wife, or Aoife… I can’t go back in time; Aoife officially abdicated, so Wife.

And when I look at CosPlay women or the girls on InstaGram or friends on Pintrest or even see attractive women in public… it is very obvious to me that I simply… I’m not the kind of guy that would even be able to do that. I can conceive of no reality where I am able to be attracted to a woman at a bar, approach her, start a conversation, and end up having sex within 96 hours of having met her. Or even making out. Or anything. And sure. Maybe that sounds like a really good thing… like a “Good, then you’ll never cheat on your wife!” kind of thing. But I don’t like that the “never cheat on your wife” thing doesn’t come from a place of High Ideals or Passionate Honor. It comes from a place of inability, insufficiency, inadequateness. My marriage may forever stay intact because I lack the ability to go out, see if there’s something better, see if I could attract the kind of woman I’m attracted to. And in a place I don’t like to admit lives inside of me? That upsets me… that hurts me.

Fun quick speed breakdown of the above numbering issues
(1) Crush: Cowardly, never told her
(2) Crush: Cowardly, never told her
(3) Dated: Accepted Her Coming For Me
(4) Crush: Cowardly, Snob
(5) Crush: Cowardly, abused
(6) Crush: I ASKED HER OUT Rejected
(7) Crush: I ASKED HER OUT Rejected
(8) Crush: Cowardly, damaged
(9) Crush: Cowardly, taken
(10) ?????: Miscommunication; Dumped
(11) Dated: I ASKED HER OUT; Dumped for being a Buzzkill
(12) Dated: I ASKED HER OUT; Dumped for being “Embarrassing”
(13) Dated: I ASKED HER OUT; Dumped for having “No joy”
(14) Dated: Nightmare Relationship That Destroyed My Life
(15) ?????: Was wonderful, could have been more so
(16) Crush: I ASKED HER OUT Rejected
(17) ?????: Bad situation that I handled poorly
(18) The Long Nothing
(19) Dated: I ASKED HER OUT; Dumped because I wasn’t good enough
(20) Pain Period* few attempts resulted in humiliation
(21) Crush: Cowardly, I was inexperienced
(22) Dated: Accepted Her Coming For Me