I Want To Take My Brain Out. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I wish these human bodies had detachable parts.
I have the worst headache right now, and I honestly believe with all of my heart that if I could just take my brain out and soak it in some saline solution for an hour or two, it would just freshen right up.

FUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuck

I can’t even think straight, I don’t think I can type very well either.
Me no think good.
Maybe sleep is more better.

Today we had our friends and family soft open thing at the restaurant, and I thought it was going to be a shit-show, but it was actually pretty slow and manageable, and at about 1pm I started getting this headache, and someone said maybe it was a migraine because it hurt so bad I wanted to throw up.

But, I took my break, got some coffee, bought some Tylenol, drank some water…it kind of mellowed out a bit, but not really. I’m just sitting here hurting, wondering if I can take a nap or if that would just ruin me for the rest of the night.

Maybe I just need to eat something?

I wish I could just fucking eat…what’s my deal? Like, seriously, why can’t I just eat food like a normal living thing?

It’s just obnoxious…having this mouth full of stuff, and you have to chew it, it’s monotonous, it takes forever, and then you have to swallow…and then after you’re done eating you have this full stomach feeling. It’s gross.

But, try to live off of Soylants and Protein Shakes and you’ll just get violent diarrhea so…you know, you gotta eat.

It’s bullshit.

Whoever designed these things was wildn for sure, because none of this makes any sense at all…the food just turns into shit? What is that?

Madness.

Pure madness.

Anyway, I can’t remember what I was talking about but I’m sure it had to do with the restaurant and…yeah, nothing happened really. Something happened with our liquor license so I was a bartender who couldn’t serve any alcohol, so…nothing happened.

But then I talked to Kellen for a long time, which was really nice. We had a chance to catch up. He said that he talked to Alec the night before and Alec had told him that there was “bad blood between us” in regards to him and I. He then proceeded to tell Kellen why, and Kellen said the story pretty much made no sense…so, I wish that was surprising to me, but it’s just not. I already know how far gone Alec is. I’ve been that far gone myself, so there really are no surprises here…honestly, at this point the only surprise will be if he actually accepts help and pulls himself out of it.

I don’t know what to do right now, in general…do I sleep? Do I keep writing and then read some entries on here?

Maybe I should eat.

Last night, I got in some heated exchange with my dad over this project that we are working on. I am rebuilding this giant website and all of these civil engineering applications on it so that we can start charging for them. Well, what I’m rebuilding from is my dad’s old code written in an old language, and he didn’t keep very good comments or name the variables with very good names…so yeah…I got confused at one point, and we got heated.

Anyway, the point is…at one point I was like, “I don’t want to bartend anymore…but I also don’t want to code anymore if it’s going to be like this…I think I need to kill myself.”

It was the first time I had a serious moment of suicidal contemplation in a year and a half.

I think maybe it’s time to blast off on DMT again.

I can’t be seriously wanting to kill myself.
I can’t be feeling trapped.

…

Anyway, I hate to end it on such a dark note, but I am seriously hurting and I think I am going to turn my computer off and just lay down for a little bit and maybe get an hour or a half hour nap in or something.
Sorry to cut our little date short.
And leave it sad.
Oh, here’s something to end it on a good note:
I love you forever.
-Dane