Fever Dreams of Rehab in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

The Alpha Brain is finally kicking in, I think. Last night my dreams were insanely vivid. It’s crazy because I even felt like, at a few points, I began to question if I was in reality or not, but I don’t think I did any reality checks because I didn’t go lucid at any point.

I woke up and wrote in my dream journal, “If you ever see Amanda for any reason, you are dreaming.”

That’s something that I Think I can remember from now on.

So, yesterday Alec’s mom sent me a text “Alec needs his brothers right now” and at first I was kind of like “what the fuck?” and I sent her back a few texts pretty much saying that I don’t know what Alec had told her but his point of view was way off, that I am here for him but he’s being an asshole to me and my empathy doesn’t give him a right, blah blah blah…all that dumb shit, whatever. And then I realized that she didn’t give a fuck about any of that, I realized that she probably knows how difficult he is being, I realized that she just got done kicking cancers ass and the last thing she wants to be doing is worrying about her son drinking himself to death....so, I just backed the fuck up, calmed down, and simply said:

“That being said, I love him, he is my brother…tell me what I can do to help and I am 100% down to do it.”

And she was happy about that.

…so then, later I text Alec. It was a strange conversation. It started off with him apologizing for being a piece of shit, and then I told him that he’s not a piece of shit…and then he thanks me for sticking around and I tell him I’m always going to be there for him…and then he says the way he treated me makes him a piece of shit…and then I tell him again that he’s not a piece of shit…so then he starts getting mad at me again, and calls me a hypocrite, and I ask him why I’m a hypocrite, and then he tells me I’m a hypocrite because when I was drinking myself to death and I was homeless and I had nowhere to go he took me in, and even when I was a drunk piece of shit and couldn’t make my part of the rent he would cover me, and he basically made sure I wasn’t homeless…which was super fucking great! I am so grateful to him forever because of that, honestly I am, I think he has the biggest heart and he is amazing…but I pointed out to him that that was almost ten years ago and I have been working my ass off to become a better person and cut that shitty behavior out of my life, so he is wrong…I am not a hypocrite. If I was still that shitty person and I was telling him to get his life together, THEN I would be a hypocrite.

So then he tells me that we just can’t be friends if I’m going to judge him for being a piece of shit…to which I respond “DUDE WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? I have literally told you like three times that I do NOT think you are a piece of shit, just in this conversation alone!”

And then I told him he obviously has some pretty deep seeded anger issues with me that he needs to work out, and hopefully when he sobers up and his brain starts to straighten out a little bit we’ll be able to have a conversation about it.

…he didn’t respond to any of that.

Wesley is going to see him tonight I think. Hopefully that will be good.
Hopefully Alec actually goes to rehab on Monday.

Okay.
I gotta go.
I’m going down to Dana Point to go eat Acid in an empty mansion and we’re going to do art in the backyard in the sunlight and walk to the beach and do weird black magick pirate shit.

Wish you could be there.
I guess you’re always kind of with me, in spirit.
I love you tons.
always.
I’ll talk to you when I get back from my trip.
-Dane