I don't know in Adventures in paradise

I don’t feel like I really fit in anywhere. I’m just so… different to anyone else. Most people I know seem to have all their shit together. I mean, obviously everyone is different and they probably have issues but man they come across so collected and together and I’m here thinking, “What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so weird?”

Today was Big Gay Day. I did a 7am-12pm shift at work and the event started at 12:30pm, but I didn’t want to go until really late. I didn’t feel like spending 9 hours at a street party, so I rocked up about 6pm in time to see the drag show, T.O.P, Emily Williams (she was an Australian Idol runner-up in 2005 and The Veronicas).
My anxiety was in overdrive (like, fuck me, why!?) but I went anyway and whilst I was having a shower, I kept telling myself, “When you feel like you’re going to have a bad time, it’s usually pretty good.” - well, that old saying didn’t really work for me today. I went feeling like I would be awkward and that’s exactly what I was. I had three glasses of my alcoholic ginger beer back at the apartment, except that it’s really fucking strong for me at 8% alcohol (I know, I’m absolutely pathetic) so I mixed that drink with more non-alcoholic ginger beer, which made it bearable enough to drink. Anyway, I didn’t really feel it. In fact, I ate a few bits of leftover chicken from the fridge before leaving the apartment, and I immediately felt sick. Like I felt like I was about to throw up or couldn’t breathe properly or something. I even had to sit down on a bench when I was about half-way there. Man, it was an uncomfortable feeling.
Anyway, once I got to the line to go in, I felt pretty fine. So weird.

Anyway, I ran into some people I knew, such as Matt and his boyfriend Mark and Anthony. That conversation with Anthony was just weird and pissed me off. He’s the really weird ex-housemate from Bartley Street and he asked me what was with me being shy all the time. Like, wtf? I thought HE was more weird than I was, and I was getting this question from him? Anyway, I answered that I was way worse when I first moved in and was actually pretty good when he was there. Like, fuck, what more do I need to do? It’s hard when you live with loud, obnoxious other housemates at times. I’m not denying I’m shy, because I certainly am, but man, I got pissed off at the question because I’ve been working so hard on it, or at least I thought so. Anyway, he’s fucking weird. He also told me that Andrew had apparently rang the police about the two shopping bags that he took with him when he moved out of the house.

Surprisingly, the nicest conversation I had with someone came from Trent. He’s a guy I used to work with who my current new housemate has already hooked up with, because we all live in the same complex now. Anyway, Trent was done up in a huge coloured feathered mohawk-headpiece and a rainbow mesh croptop with some eye-makeup and looked absolutely awesome. He said he got it from ‘Daily Male’ which is one of the shops of the gay street down in Sydney. Crazy to think that was only a week ago now. It feels like longer after that longer work-week for me I guess.

Anyway, i also ran into Chris when I went to the food vans. He had some cute twink hanging off of him who was wearing transparent shorts to show off his arse. Lol. Looked cute. Chris was just wearing sporty type shorts and nothing as outrageous as previous years at this event.
He gave me a quick hug but that was about the extent of our interaction.

I finally found Andrew after ages, and eventually Lukas, who is back from Sydney, apparently, but he’s looking to get a job in Melbourne now. That boy is, in Andrew’s words, very ‘erratic’. I told Andrew what Anthony had told me about the shopping bags and he burst out laughing and said that had made his day.
I didn’t get to see Kurt, unfortunately. Amdrew said it looked like there was an ‘altercation’ between him and the boyfriends lol, so he had left early. We weren’t sure though, but we didn’t run into him.

But Nick was another strange one. I finally saw him as we were crossing paths inside the actual pub, but since it was a thoroughfare, it was a very quick hug, a feel of his bum (I mean, hello! Of course I was gonna do that after so long) and we moved on. He seemed happy to see me, I guess, but it was nothing like Andrew had talked it up to be to me earlier when he had chatted to him. He said that he was all excited to see me, but I guess by the time I got there, he wasn’t as excited lol. Very strange history with that guy, as those of you who have been reading me for a while know about. We still flirt a bit via Snapchat, now that he’s added me back to it, but he doesn’t use Grindr because he doesn’t like supporting the guy who owns/runs it since he doesn’t believe in marriage equality. Nick’s quite political about things like that, and it’s nice to know he’s not just a pretty face and a wild partier on weekends.

I, on the other hand, kept putting myself down and comparing myself to people. Andrew kept telling me certain guys were checking me out but I wasn’t really seeing it myself, or rather I sort of had an idea but they weren’t my type or whatever. I dunno, just a strange mood I was in and I can’t pinpoint why. The pre-booze had done fuck-all for my confidence. That was still shot. There was certainly no hooking up with 3 guys at Arq. I couldn’t even think of what to SAY to people. That’s the main thing that’s gotten me down the most I think. The fact that I am actually hopeless at carrying on a conversation, and I felt like that happened with a few of the guys I ran into tonight. Like, it happened with Luke (ergh) at Arq last week and it happened again tonight with Chris (to an extent) and with Nick and I find all three of those boys incredibly sexy and there I go, being all quiet, and as Anthony so kindly pointed out to me, shy.
And Lincoln seemed to completely snob me when last week in Sydney he completely grabbed my crotch on the dancefloor at Arq. He did look pretty smashed though. I guess if I were as drunk as he was, I’d probably feel different about it.
So yeah, that was my night. The Veronicas were awesome, as I knew they would be. I saw Peeta toward the end of the night but then ditched him shortly after to come home, and write about how weird it was. So yeah. Yay me.
FML.

Last updated March 10, 2019