I Hate First Dates in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

Seriously, what the fuck?
Can’t we just skip to the part where we’re comfortable with eachother and we can be real with eachother and it doesn’t feel like a chess match?

Not tonight, apparently.

I’m actually being super over-dramatic, it was a really nice time. She was way out of my league, so it was fun just being there.

So, I got on these dating apps kind of out of boredom, right? I didn’t ever really consider the possibility that I would go out on a date with anyone, haha…and when I started talking to this woman I really didn’t think anything of it because she is knock out beautiful, so I was just kind of talking to her having fun…next thing you know I’m like “Want to get tacos this Thursday?” and she’s like, “I’m down” so then…today was Thursday, right? And a couple of my friends hit me up to hang out and I told them I wasn’t sure I could, but I would know if she flaked on me by 7:30. Haha, I was totally planning on her flaking, like…you don’t get it. She’s gorgeous, and she works in pharmaceuticals…like, this woman can do whatever the fuck she wants and she’s choosing to spend time with me?

Anyway, she doesn’t bail. I text Lex a quick picture of what I’m wearing and she says I’m looking date ready, so I’m feeling good about that, and then I head out to be super early because that’s just how I roll.

So, I originally asked her if she wanted to go to this super buji kombucha bar in this anti-mall called “The Camp” (it’s so hip it almost makes me sick, but I thought she might be impressed), but apparently she has never had kombucha before and is not down to start now, so then when we decided on tacos she’s like “wherever you pick is fine.” But she also wanted to stay in Irvine, so the options are either trash or buji, so of course I end up picking this place that has the hippest fucking tacos in town because I got to be cool, and she’s like “I love that place” so I’m feeling good.

Anyway, I get there super early, like fifteen minutes early, like a weirdo…and I just wait for her to get there. Like a weirdo.

She shows up and I’m just like, “Play it cool, Ice cold” (because sometimes I talk to myself like I’m Andre 3000) and we do the whole weird awkward hug. She looks amazing. I look like…I don’t know, I don’t want to talk about but I realized that Lex is probably a very different woman than my date, so her tastes are probably way different. haha.

So, the conversation was actually pretty fun, I thought. She was intelligent and witty and our conversation kind of went all over the place, which was also really fun. But that’s also kind of the problem, I think, because what I consider to be “fun conversation” I have been told is some pretty deep shit, and I’ve also been told that sometimes it’s okay to talk about things that aren’t super deep.

Anyway, I can’t remember how we got to it, but I mentioned that I had lived in a few other states, and when I mentioned Utah she was like, “That just makes me think of Mormons”.

To which, I respond, “Yeah, my family is Mormon, which is part of the reason why I moved there in the first place.” and then we kind of connected because she told me that her family was Muslim, and neither of us believed in the religion but our parents do, and both of them are very strict, and both of them are deeply entrenched in a patriarchy…so it was kind of cool to have something to connect on on a level like that…but then, the floodgates open, and then we start talking about what we think god is, and I ask her if she believes in reincarnation, and then we’re talking about politics…and just basically all of the shit that you’re not supposed to talk about on a first date.

I need to stop fucking doing that shit.

My mom says I do stuff like that to subconsciously test people right from the beginning to see if they can handle me.

I don’t think she is incorrect.

I also don’t think my date tonight thought I was something she wanted to handle.

I covered the bill ( $60 after tip for four tacos, a cocktail, and a soda water…Irvine is BUJI AF) and thanked her for coming out with me. We shut the place down, stayed about 40 minutes after closing, the date lasted about 2 1/2 hours in total. We stood outside and talked a little more and then another awkward hug, and then I was like, “This was nice, we should do it again sometime” and offered to exchange numbers…and she was very polite about it, but she clearly did not want to exchange numbers. I could feel it in her energy and there was a slight change in body posture and demeanor, and a slight hesitation as if she was thinking of an excuse not to give it to me…

…so, I will do her a favor, since she was such a lovey date, I will leave the poor girl alone.

But that was good practice, I guess.
I had a lot of my confidence destroyed over the years and I have been working hard on gaining it back. Working hard on not feeling like a monster or a piece of shit.

Honestly, I should probably also stop telling myself that this woman was out of my league, Maybe I am cool enough and handsome enough to be in her company. Because she laughed, I could see that she was genuinely having fun talking to me, even if there wasn’t a love connection.

Also, all of the running and lifting I have been doing has really been paying off. I look healthy, I feel healthy, and I feel strong. Also, I look strong, but no one would know that shit because I don’t take my shirt off for no scrubs.

…So, I can still get the attention of gorgeous 29 year old’s. Go me.

But does it even matter?

The inter-dimensional beings told me that my body needs to be a weapon.

It’s not a sex toy.

Maybe there will be time for sex after all of the fighting has stopped.

If there’s anyone left.

…

So…I had a positive $60 experience that involved tacos.
Also, earlier today, all we did for work was eat food from 9am to 2pm…and then after we were done eating half of the menu for the new restaurant my boss was like, “Do you want to see something cool?” and then she took us up to the 20th floor, and it was just 360 degree windows, 10 foot high windows, and you could see all of Irvine, almost to Laguna…and it has been raining so much this winter that everything is just this lush, beautiful green…it was breath-taking honestly. I almost felt stupid for how emotional it got…but nature has just been making me super emotional ever since that road trip…ever since it started talking to me.

…

Everything is different now, isn’t it?
Do you ever wish it was the same?
For me, it depends on the day.
I miss you, though.
every day.
I love you, too.
always.
-Dane

Last updated April 05, 2019