Unrequited in Questions

I feel guilty for the way I feel…or maybe, the way I don’t feel?
I feel like, maybe there’s something wrong with me, like maybe I’m not seeing something obvious.

When we were in Salt Lake City, she met some of my family and my mom just straight up said, “You could build a life with her.”

I think she’s beautiful, smart, funny, creative, driven, psychic, and caring. I honestly love spending time with her, the whole road trip I didn’t get sick of her once, and we spent seven straight days together.

I just…don’t have any sexual feelings towards her…the thought of having sex with her feels almost incestual.

I talked to my mom about it and she asked if I’ve ever wanted to kiss her, and I said no…and she said that wasn’t a good sign. But then she brought up how there are a lot of people who still do arranged marriages and those usually end up working out really well because it’s just two people who make an agreement to tackle life together and be nice to eachother…so that’s a thing.

And then I thought that maybe my sex drive was just broken because of my medication…but, just a handful of months ago the thought of having sex with Amanda sounded like a great idea and she had gained weight and had a kid and none of that mattered…so I can obviously still have sexual feelings…

I do know that my medication fucks with it a lot though.
As soon as I get a job a full time programming gig and settle into it I’m going to take my anti-psychotics out of the equation and see how I do with just the dopamine shit and the anxiety shit…

…maybe they can give me something that’s situational for my manic episodes, something I can take when they come on just so I don’t go into full blown psychosis, because honestly the rest of mania is awesome. I love not having to sleep or eat, and the boundless creative energy, and so much confidence, and all of my powers are turned to eleven…I miss it so much.

I really miss it.

I’ve been having my regular March episode, but since I’m heavily medicated I’m only in a state of hypo-mania…which is kind of cool, it’s better than nothing, and I’m definitely not going psychotic…but yeah, hypo-mania doesn’t come with as much of a confidence or power boost, but I’m definitely not having to eat or sleep very much…and my brain won’t shut the fuck up.

…writing is nice.

My mustache is starting to actually look good. I’ve got a bit of a 5 O’Clock shadow going on under it so it’s looking pretty smooth.

Human bodies are so fucking weird.
I have so many conflicted feelings about mine, and I understand why it is the way it is, but yeah…it’s just weird. But everything in the third dimension is weird, I think. Time makes everything here so limited and so fragile, but that’s what makes it all so precious right? Like, if we didn’t come here and have a time lapse between thought and manifestation then we wouldn’t learn the power of it and wouldn’t be prepared to use it responsibly in the fourth dimension where thought manifests instantaneously.

…I miss Golnar.

She sent me some texts last night while she was at a party on mushrooms, she thought something I posted on facebook was funny and she needed the laugh because everyone at the party was starting to get all massagy and sexual so she went and locked herself in a room.

Why don’t I want to be WITH her?
Other than the fact that I know for sure that there’s a 100% chance that starting a romantic relationship with her would be the way I lose her forever.

Emotions are so strange…I used to think that they were just chemical reactions, I understand that they are definitely affected by the chemical reactions of our body because the sensations in our body rule our experience here…but I have experienced emotion outside of this body…so they are spiritual…maybe even deeper than that.

…

We are so small

…

I had a pipe that would leak this liquid resin that would just get all over the place. I googled it and couldn’t find any satisfactory answers as to why this might be happening, and in my 20 years of smoking experience, I have never had or seen this problem.

Well, today I picked it up and it had leaked all over this piece of art that Golnar had given me…and I mean it leaked ALL OVER IT, totally ruined it, and it was all coming out the carb, just this unbelievably huge puddle of liquid tar…and that was the last straw, I just picked up the piece of art and the pipe, and I put them on this little island thing in the parking lot and left it there. If someone finds it and wants to clean it up they can have it, but I’m done with that cursed piece of shit. I’ve hated that pipe from the first moment I smoked out of it, and I hate it even still, now that it’s gone.

I guess I get to go to some sketchy parts of the city now and go find a pipe! And just in case you think I’m being sarcastic, I am actually excited because I don’t get to go to the sketchy parts anymore since I don’t really buy drugs anymore and since my meds kill my sex drive I don’t go to the sketchy lingerie gambling den…and I love and miss the sketchy parts.

…

I was going to talk about some last thing…I don’t know.
How about: People who are hating on Cardi B are dumb bitches and need to shut the fuck up. Robbing someone is not the same as raping someone. Male rappers brag about past crimes all the time, Cardi wasn’t even bragging when she brought it up, it was more of a “I had to do this shit.” So fuck your bitch and the click you claim. Cardi is my queen. Die in a fire.

…

Alright, that got intense there at the end, didn’t it?
Yeah.
Well, I’ve just been on one today I guess.
But now it’s time to stop writing because I need to do some divination for a friend.
Thank you for listening to me ramble.
I’m going to need it for a couple more days, I think.
I love you.
-Dane