Putting the "Fun" Back in Dysfunctional in Ultimate Randomness

Ah, who am I kidding? This probably won't be fun for anyone, but is that really a surprise? I am The Wandering Gamer and I have barely made one peep about games at all yet. I am all about irony. But in all honesty, there are some things that have been in and out of my mind since my last entry, which got me into plenty of trouble. Not that I am shocked about it, just sad, and I think I finally figured out why. When I think about it, I feel alone in alot of ways. I will preface this by saying that I am not alone. I have scores of people who care about me and are behind me and want me to do well. I know it. I suppose when I point that out, it makes all this seem like a bunch of "boo-hoo-ing" but its how I feel right now and unless you have lived with a spouse who wants little to nothing to do with you, a roommate who has overstayed his welcome by a few months, and your wife's new boyfriend and have done it for more than two months, its hard to tell me how I should be feeling. Sorry if you, my loyal reader, feel like that is directed at you. It is not. But I know I do complain and moan alot, but not without reason. Could I get up and just leave? Probably, but it would make a complicated situation even more complicated for me. Finding somewhere to stay, being able to pay for everything, figuring out what to do about school, figuring out how to get insurance and stay in therapy...it is alot to figure out in a short amount of time. It's hard enough to figure all that out by next spring, which is when I have until, at least tentatively. If school goes up in smoke this semester, who knows where that will leave me. But that isn't what I came here to talk about today. Loneliness is first and foremost. I mean, I miss my wife. I miss having that person that I can just reach out and touch and hug and kiss whenever I want to. I know I should have done alot more of that, but what's done is done and what I think won't change anything. But I do miss that feeling of being close to someone. I miss when home felt safe. Like I could let my guard down around someone and be accepted for who I am. I guess I just miss being loved in that way. Not like a friend or a son, but as something singular to one person. Someone who holds a place that nobody else can. And I still feel like that about her. At times, I am afraid I will never stop. That even if I do get into another relationship, I will screw it up because I am always comparing it to what we used to have. But I didn't just lose a wife in this deal, I lost my best friend too. I lost the person I could tell anything to, the person who would listen to all of the things that were on my mind without judgement. We don't even really hang out anymore to watch TV. If I want to hang out with her lately, I have to hang out with him too or just be alone. And, even though I have lived here for almost ten years, I don't have someone else who could be that for me. Not only that, I really don't have that group of friends I did before I moved. Everyone has their own lives and I keep reasoning that everyone I know has enough going on without having to deal with my crap too. So I choose to be alone. Yes, I said I choose, but only because I feel bad inflicting my problems on other people. I hate to lean on other people because they have their own shit to deal with. Would explain why I write. It's as close as I feel comfortable getting to offload all this on somebody. And no matter how many times people tell me not to worry about it, to tell them what is on my mind, I just can't do it wholly. So I tell some things to some people, other things to other people, just so I can get it out, letting out the poison some might say. But I miss having that one person who is always there for me that I can always be there for too. But at this point, it isn't just loneliness that is a problem. Another problem is I have forgotten what it is like to feel like myself. I used to be able to relax, to play games, to talk and be happy and positive. Nowadays, I just feel on guard at all times. I feel like someone who keeps getting kicked and knocked down and is just trying to defend himself against the next attack, wherever it might come from. I don't relax at all anymore. Hell, I used to be able to fall asleep so easily, which just pissed off my wife. But it was because I felt so safe and comfortable by her side. Now, it takes hours for me to fall asleep, and even when I do, my sleep is so interrupted. I am pretty sure I have not slept for more than three hours at a time in the last 3 months and not for more than 5 at a time in the last year. I just stopped feeling safe at some point. For good reason apparently. But worst of all, I just am not even sure who I am anymore. My mood varies so much in a given month, I am not sure which personality is the real one. Am I that brooding depressed guy with no belief in himself and ho hope for the future or am I that positive upbeat guy who thinks some girl would be luck to have him and has a future? I honestly have no clue anymore who I am. And I suppose part of it is because I have no idea what is affecting me at a given time. I mean, am I really this brooding or is it the depression or is it the occasional drink (which I have been avoiding because of doc's orders the last week or so)? Am I really that positive, or is that just the medication working and I really am this brooding person? There is nothing I can point to that tells me one way or another, so I am not sure. All in all, I have been thinking since this morning about how I ended up here. Should I have pursued things with my wife when we were really good friends who could talk to each other about anything and everything? I am not saying I regret being with her. I am happy for the good times we had together. What I am saying is would things have been better for both of us if I had been more realistic about life? Would we have been happier and still together in our own way instead of the mess we are in? And if we still got together, should we have gotten married? That one I am less sure about. Like I said, I meant forever and I still do. If I had known she couldn't deal with me in the long run, would I have ever asked? I don't know. I loved being married, but was it worth it to get to here? Part of me wished I had just stuck to what I originally thought would happen at the end of high school: I would be alone, a virgin, and just be able to deal with it. At least then I wouldn't know what I was missing, and I really wonder if the brief happiness is worth a sadness that I am not sure will ever go away. At the very least, I have lost alot of faith in people that was there before. People in general. Everyone is always so concerned about doing what is right for themselves. I mean, it is no wonder marriages are doomed to failure nowadays. It has all become about the self. And some people, like me, really are not interested in doing things for themselves. To quote Men In Black a couple of times here, two of my favorite quotes from the movie are from Tommy Lee Jones. When Will Smith asks why they don't tell people about aliens, and insists people are smart, TLJ says, "The person is smart. People are dumb, panicky creatures and you know it!" And later on, when Will Smith sees TLJ spying on his one time love and says that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, TLJ says, "Try it." That is one I wholeheartedly agree with. It hurts less not to love at all then to have it all and then lose it. At least if you never love, you never know what you are missing and you can never get hurt by someone else. I know people around me want me to be happy, to be the sweet, caring, smart guy I have always been and to not let being dumped (Cause let's face it, this wasn't a break-up, I got dumped for a new model) change that part of me. But I wonder if maybe I should just retreat into myself and find a way to survive without anybody. I wouldn't be happy, but at least I would be able to function. Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind. Not to go and live somewhere else. I would leave money, food, clothes, everything. Just walk, be homeless, be a speck in the universe. A true Wandering Gamer. See, when the wife says she wants to get up and just leave, she means to go somewhere else and start a new life. I just mean to leave all of this behind, not start anything, not have anything. Just wander and see how far I get before something takes me out. She thinks she gets me, but I really wonder if she ever did at all. I wonder if anyone does. I sure as hell don't...