Mirror, Mirror On The Ceiling in Hello

All In The Family is on.

Today, Tuesday, I finally saw my counselor. Pushed back once because I had the flu and once again but she had new baby issues. Well, Dr. Gilbert didn’t tell her about my latest attempt. That was a fun talk. She pressed me on what was going on at the time. I answered that I really didn’t know. She said she is very concerned and people with my, ahem, condition (bpd) evetually the cries for help become one pill too many or a cut too deep then it’s lights out.

She then again asked what was going on that night. I finally cracked and started crying. I feel boxed in, I’m lonely, best friend number one moved out of state and best friend number two I haven’t seen in months despite repeated offers to hang. That shit hurts. Also how I hate being vulnerable like this in front of people (even though I’ve been seeing her five years and this isn’t the first time) because I don’t let anyway one in so I won’t get hurt.

She mentioned a different therapy that she’s trying to get licensed in. Catch is, QUIT DRINKING! I have to have some coping mechanisms in place before I can attempt it because it dives deep into the trauma I experienced growing up.

It concluded with she’ll always be here for me but unless I’m ready to accept change my therapy is going nowhere. I smiled at that because it reminded me of a Silence Of The Lambs quote plus I came to that conclusion a while back. She also suggested a rehab program which I’m on board with but I’m waiting till I get my insurance.

I really want to change, I do. It’s a long, hard road out of hell and I’m fucking terrified of facing my feelings head on without my liquid numbing agent.

Then later on I log into PB and run into another alcoholic at random. Left a private note saying if you ever need anyone to talk to I’m a fellow boozer.

After thinking about therapy most of the day I figured one good turn deserves another.

Big mistake.

I won’t get into details but that endly badly and quickly. Fuck that cunt, may her liver rot quickly and she die slowly in agony.

Anyways, just needed to get all that off my chest. Writing this out made me tear up again. Time for medication then bed with book.

Nite all.

Last updated March 20, 2019