Not The Sexy Entry, Though NSFW Pics, Vids (Maybe) in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

The following was written in short bursts through the evening of the 9th, Morning of the 10th.

This shall be quick and typically rather pointless. However, there will be photos and videos that some will certainly find NSFW… welcome to ME with INSOMNIA. That being said: You’ve been warned.

I did suggest to my wife last night that we should have sex this weekend. Maybe I’ll find myself surprised and fortunate tomorrow morning, but I also kind of honestly think it isn’t going to happen this weekend. She’s been taking (a few, slight, small, painful) steps forward in figuring her shit out (meaning, she phoned admissions and discovered that there were classes she could take this summer) so she’s a little… off… as she struggles with the emotional content. CLEARLY I’m feeling emotionally off as well because last night I found sleep all but impossible. Honestly, I went to bed around midnight… which is fairly late for me as it is… and I found myself still pitifully struggling for rest through the 4:00 hour. At some point, I managed to sleep because I found myself dreaming. I acknowledge that sharing dreams is often annoying and boring for the listener… that in order to appreciate a dream, one must have information about the history of the individuals involved and when someone says “I couldn’t see their face, but I knew who it was. Like… emotionally.” It makes most of us roll our eyes a bit. So… I give you that warning now. This will be a description of two dreams… and worse yet, one of these dreams I may have described before… so you have my permission and encouragement to stop reading. As to the sexier entries? Well, perhaps those shall come this evening or tomorrow. I do hope. I’ve even set it up to happen. But as life ebbs and flows, who knows precisely what plans will succeed and which plans shall fail? Especially as it seems that I find myself tonight equally vexed by sleep. I believe it is due to the weather, frankly. This weather was mild but has now become too harsh for too long. The body does not enjoy such cold, such snow, and such a stall of spring.

DOWNER TANGENT FIRST

Of course… not being able to sleep… and not having sex… leads me to watching some of my favorite Pornographic Actresses do what they do best. Despite never really going for Blondes in my entire life, I find myself VERY enjoying Haley Ryder and Brooke Marie. Only thing is… lack of sleep, current marriage issues, and porn all combine in these situations to just… leave me feeling a bit sad. And it sounds bloody stupid! But… of course, I understand both intellectually and emotionally. Before… I just attributed that sadness to my programming. I was raised to believe that Porn was a great evil and an intentional act of soul-targeting harm against my wife. That.... is the light version of that small area of my programming. But this… I guess, morning would be the appropriate phrase… this morning, the sadness was over that which I will never have. Which feels like a stupid and whiney thing to think. If you want it, get it… if your wife doesn’t give it, go out there and get it for yourself. But then… that’s how I end up here anyway. We aren’t exactly inside a world where we can say, “Hi, please tell me if we are compatible emotionally and intellectually. I’d like to ascertain the level of a relationship we can have without sexual interaction. However, having mentioned it: how often do you enjoy sex and are you the type of person who enjoys making yourself look sexy and/or say or do sexy things?” But… yeah. Watching these professional women fake enjoying themselves… makes me sad that I can’t experience even a disingenuous IRL version of what I’d prefer. I say the next bit with love: please, no advice here. I know the chorus of leave her and I can hum you the harmony of look elsewhere if she won’t provide but… what I’m going through feels somehow… deeper. Like… this sadness exists in my soul and if I’m going to be any kind of man for my wife or anyone else… I need to investigate this and deal with it. Meanwhile… spending more time with Haley Ryder, Brook Marie, Randy Moore, Arya Fae, Sapphire Blue, Alexandra Snow, Jelena Jensen, Jenna Hoskins, Heather Caroline, and Chloe Kane. And write about these dream elements because hey, I can’t sleep and I’ve got the time!

Required Background Information:

Now… the background information I share will be as complete as I can possibly make it. Somethings won’t make sense due to my memory. Somethings won’t make sense due to Humans being irrational, illogical, and unpredictable. I share this history knowing it may well paint me in a terrible light. I am to the point in my journey where I am trying to make sense of things; not impress others.

The background on this starts a long time ago. Not as long ago as when I first started using Open Diary (that would have been circa 2000) but honestly… not long after that, either. It was the first year of college or so (2002, 2003) and I had a few faithful friends on Open Diary that I could rely on to read me and that I would read also. One of them, a high schooler in Florida, and I grew to be genuine friends. We would even talk on the phone a bit (I’ve only ever talked on the phone with three people that I have met online. Ever). It was never more than friends as she always had a boyfriend and I am/was always the type to respect that. But she would send me photos and I did find her incredibly attractive. Short… a bit thick… with huge beautiful eyes and a rather impressive rack. We were very close friends and cared about each other… but what with her always having a boyfriend and the two of us being separated by over 1300 Miles… I never once thought anything would come of our relationship beyond just friendship. Though, I did receive a few mixed signals… like the time she sent me a few photo collages and one of them contained images of her vagina (with hair and without). I didn’t want to embarrass her if she hadn’t meant to send those and, as she had a boyfriend, I couldn’t imagine that she had sent those to me intentionally… I mean… they were so… provocative. I decided to not mention the photos and deleted them from my computer. (I share this, in large part, to indicate to you, Dear Reader, how yes… I have honestly been THIS naive and thickheaded for my entire life. Where a woman can literally send me photographs of her vagina, and I don’t GET THE HINT that she may see me as someone who could be more than a friend. Seriously. I’ve been this way for my entire life. Is it any wonder I’ve wound up in the marriage I’m in?) In college, I would have dreams about going to Florida to visit her. Nothing extravagant… just going down, meeting her and her family, hanging out, and realizing that Friends Online and Friends in Person was an easy and worthwhile transition. Of course, that never actually happened. After I left OD in 2004, I stayed in contact with her via Facebook, Messenger, and Text.

About a decade ago, we lost touch. I got married and went to Law School, she got married to a much older man in the Navy. When she did, she contacted me to tell me that part of her marriage involved her agreeing to not talk to “other men online” and she wanted to abide by that rule. I never fought her on it. I understood that a guy in the Navy has a lot more difficulty with trust as he’s away all the time, and it made sense that his hot flirtatious wife made him nervous. I also instantly thought “Controlling, and untrusting… so not a great way to start a marriage or a healthy way to start a life together.” But she was my friend and I simply let her disappear into the Internet’s White Noise. I still follow her a bit on Instagram and Facebook. She has a stepson who is now 21… and she’ll take him to bars and clubs sometimes… and honestly? They look more boyfriend/girlfriend than Mom & Son… but that could also be the fact that she is a 30 year old hottie going to a bar with a 21 year old. Anyway… that’s all the background you need. In order to make things easier and not to simply refer to her as “The Girl”, we’ll call her Sarita.

Dream 1

Strangely, I had a dream about Sarita at the beginning of last week. Nothing intense but… certainly interesting.

I had made the trip to Florida… it was now but there were severe differences with our reality. Namely, Sarita wasn’t married and I wasn’t married… but she was still attending Nursing School and I had just completed Law School. I was visiting Florida for some much needed R&R after taking the Bar Exam. I had booked a hotel, but Sarita’s parents were adamant I stay at their place since their house was built for them, three sons, and two daughters… and all three sons had gotten married and moved away. So there were plenty of space for me in their home and it would save “an up and coming attorney” a lot of money to not have to pay for a beach side hotel.

The dream was fairly normal, given that context. What was most odd was that it followed a chronological pattern and felt like a normal progression of time, which is strange for dreams. Mornings were spent watching the news with her parents and helping them cook breakfast, afternoons were spent exploring the town with Sarita and her sister, evening were back at her parents’ enjoying dinner and sitting out on their front deck, and nights were often bar hopping or movie watching. It was… nice. It was like dating but without any of the added nerves. Other than the time lack-of-distortion, there wasn’t much about the dream worth noting… but for how normal everything seemed.

On the last day, the family threw a giant pool party for me. IRL, they have an amazing pool… I’ve always wanted to copy their design… it is an outdoor pool… that they then enclosed with glass and added to their house… so it is like an INDOOR pool for all of its function and resistance against the elements but it is an OUTDOOR pool for its view of the world… an awesome concept. The pool party wasn’t even that noteworthy. PACKED and enjoyable. Sarita was in a black bikini… looking awesome… and I went around talking to people… all of whom, even her brothers, excited to tell me that I had to come back and visit soon.

END OF DREAM

As I said… not especially noteworthy… but certainly noteworthy considering how normal it was.... almost like an Elseworlds Tale of my own life!! However, even an Elseworlds Tale isn’t worth an entry on its own. After all, technically speaking, I’m sure most people have an Elseworlds Dream or Two in their average dream year. However… anytime I have dreams that CONNECT, I feel it worth reporting. After all, I’m a person that has been known to have recurring dreams… so connecting dreams should have a record somewhere.... in case, years from now, I have a dream that continues that story or builds on the connection.

Dream 2

This dream I had within the last 76 hours. I found myself already in Florida… it was a continuation of the last Florida dream!!

I had just discovered that I had passed the bar exam, and Sarita was just about to take her finals for her Nursing License. We weren’t… a couple, per se… but we were close… very close… I was certainly welcomed warmly by her family and friends… but I could sense that “nervousness” in the air… where everyone, including the two of us, were wondering what exactly our relationship WAS. WERE we dating? Were we GOING to? That seemed to be an unspoken question in everyone’s mind.

As it seemed that everything was the same from the Real World but for Specific Relationships, I had worked for Best Buy in this dream world as well. Having worked for Best Buy, I was aware of specific events that Best Buy put on. Since my time had largely been in Iowa… most of these events were few and far between. THUS why I had come back to Florida. There was a Best Buy in Clearwater, FL and, as that was close to where Sarita’s family lived… I set up the trip. It had to be quick, though, unfortunately, as I was in the middle if looking for Attorney work. So, we all reviewed our calendars and found the perfect weekend. It was the week after Sarita’s exams.. it was only going to be a 2-day visit, but (they said) “They were just really happy that I could come out and see them again”. I flew out, we had a nice dinner, we went to sleep. The next day was the BULK of the dream. We all drove to Best Buy where the doors were actually literally blocked. I showed them my old Best Buy ID tag and we were all welcomed in. Most of the Best Buy was still “in tact” but chained off, and along all of the walls were Cabinet Style Arcade games… almost ALL of which were cabinet versions of games being developed for the NEXT generation of consoles! So… I was in fucking heaven… Sarita was super pumped to have insider information she could share with her friends… her little sister seemed downright turned on to have access to such things before the rest of the world… Sarita’s brothers started telling me to MARRY her if I could get them access to stuff like this… and her parents just looked at me with that look that says, “Our daughter knows a good man and that makes me proud!”

And, ultimately, that was my dream. My whole dream. Traveling to Florida… visiting a friend and her family… getting them access to an Exclusive Video Game Event… and enjoying the event.

Is it any wonder that I sometimes suspect my dreams are less “creative endeavors of the unconscious mind” and more “legitimate glimpses into the multiverse?”

A sad David Bowie Music video to end this.... only because this is the music that has been playing in my head during my insomnia… the last video he made before his death. May he forever rest in peace… our Starman… our Sovereign.:

And… because I’m this kind of asshole when I can’t sleep… I’ll share access to videos of some of the women I mentioned above.

https://www.xvideos.com/video28878727/hot_blonde_milf_secretary_cam_show

https://www.xvideos.com/video17023345/blonde_secretary_gives_blowjob

https://www.xvideos.com/video27997067/lingerie_tease

https://www.xvideos.com/video35942945/stepfather_bangs_pretty_arya_fae_and_jill_kassidy

https://www.xvideos.com/video37749235/sapphire_blue_gets_a_little_jiggy

https://www.xvideos.com/video37179947/joi_countdown

https://www.xvideos.com/video32573197/penthouse_pet_jelena_jensen_dildo_bangs_her_pussy_on_webcam_

https://www.xvideos.com/video4173499/jenna_hoskins_confessions_sd

https://www.xvideos.com/video7608120/redhead_nylon_wearing_babe_hot_teasing

https://www.xvideos.com/video7870080/kloe_kane_-_sexy_mover