More Emotional Introspection in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

So... I think being with my wife for the last 9 years has changed my entire viewpoint and basis for interaction with other women in some ways. This doesn't negate my previous entry about anger= that is totally still accurate. But afterwards, when I'm dealing with women that I know well enough to get past the anger. Actually... I have to re-assess. (I don't backspace and correct because I find value in how the thoughts flow and come together). What I should have started with was:

I think a number of inputs; for instance- what happened with Ki, my relationship with Aoife, and being with my wife for the last 9 years... I think those experiences have changed my entire viewpoint and basis for interaction with other women in some ways. In High School, before Ki, I was considerably more open and emotionally available/vulnerable. When I saw someone hurting, or in need of help- I was far more willing to offer.

Of course- after a remarkably abusive relationship where I genuinely feared for my life... my willingness to be emotionally vulnerable and available was significantly debilitated. I confess I tried not to get so "damaged" by that process but... it was difficult. It still is, honestly.

After a nightmare experience like Ki... it was/is difficult to be comfortable with someone expressing extreme emotions. Add to that Aoife's... interesting conflicts with emotional availability. She didn't want to be "together" but thought that kindness made her feel "like a whore" and swung from happy to suicidal with terrifying ease. So... no wonder I married my wife. She doesn't really express her strong emotions if she even has 'em. Actually- I know she has 'em because I get to experience them when she is drunk. Like last night. She got drunk and she got angry. So, she kept punching me in the arm and yelling at me. Why was she angry? Because I was losing my patience with her. So... in that sense, part of it was my fault. But.... yeah.

Someone expressing emotions, something I used to deal with brilliantly as an actor and pastor-in-training, is now something that makes me a little uncomfortable. I know that expressing emotions is good. I also know that passionately expressing a deeply felt emotion is acceptable and beneficial. Hell, I would love it if my wife was able to feel and express positive emotions in such a manner. But... for instance... today::: a normally happy go lucky girl that I'm friends with reacted to my greeting today VERY HARSHLY. Translation: her response was, with clenched teeth and darkness in her eyes, "It's been a bad day, now isn't the time. Leave me alone." But... it wasn't a sad statement... it was the kind of "I'm about to destroy everyone on the planet" emotion that instantly makes me uncomfortable. So... I left her alone. And then she cried for 40 minutes. I don't know her well enough to go hug her or put my arm around her... we're not close enough for me to prod about her issues after being dismissed in such a way.... and so.... there was nothing I could do but feel uncomfortable. It struck me how awkward and uncomfortable the whole thing was and how.... frankly... it would have been something I could have dealt with easily a long time ago. Before Ki, I would have insinuated myself into that situation in a heartbeat. Before Aoife, I would have empathetically inquired as to why my friend was crying. Before my wife, I feel like I would have at least been able to think "This is normal and natural, she just needs to feel this right now and that is acceptable. Now? I just... I sit there and feel like some lumbering alien visitor that doesn't know whether I should bow or curtsey.

Of course... anger is never far. Shortly after this awkward experience, I reported to class to hear presentations on various Alternate Dispute Resolution systems. There was a fascinating program being discussed, but I kept having to swallow and check my building rage. Why? Because it was two females that I hadn't met; one that looked like a motorcycle enthusiast Melissa Joan Hart and the other looked like a black-haired P!nk in a pattern dress... so, yes, I considered both of these women attractive in their own way. So- attractive women anger activate! Women I would love to talk to but don't have the courage (RAGE), women I suspect would mock me at my presumption I was good enough to talk to them (RAGE); how all of those feelings bring my mind back around to the knowledge that my wife (a) hasn't wanted to romantically interact in 830 days (RAGE); (b) refuses to discuss how she hasn't wanted to romantically interact in 830 days (RAGE); and (c) simply insinuates that it is likely at some unknown point in the future that there is a possibility that she will want to romantically interact. (RAGE). So.... I was swallowing rage pretty hardcore today simply because I found two presenters attractive. That makes me think that... well... I may have my anger under control in that it doesn't boil up and cause problems in my relationships... but it certainly exists in a big way and I should learn (somehow) to not be so angry and so quick to anger.