first (and last?) contact in Portrait of a....

So I contacted him. Ha, I couldn't even last a week. Anyway, it wasn't a message asking for any answers, or saying what he did wrong, or what could have been done, or what could be done.

The truth is, he treated me better than any man before me. He made me feel so beautiful and sexy. He saw beauty in me that I couldn't see myself. He appreciated my body in ways that I couldn't. He understood my mind. He understood the importance of music to me and was proud of my achievements.

So, the message wasn't asking for anything. It wasn't begging him to see reason, to try again. I just wanted to let him know how good he did make me feel. I mean, he's not a bad person, just not a good boyfriend I guess. It's why it killed me to break it off. I couldn't hate him.

The situation is so complicated. There are cultural differences at play, circumstance, lack of experience and youth on his part, so maybe we never would have worked. I told a friend the other day that I'm a fighter and this feels like giving up without a fight. But, I can't keep on fighting if he's not willing to, right? My friend said that perhaps giving up would have been to continue in the relationship. It's a fair point.

Anyway, he is the love of my life. So far? I needed him to know that he didn't make me feel only bad things. Before he told me that I'm the best person in his whole life up until now. And I believe it. Not out of conceit, but I know he hasn't had much love in his life. He probably just didn't know what to do with mine.

I'm not holding out for an answer. I just wanted to get it off my chest. He will write back, or he won't. I don't know if this will make me feel better. At the moment it does a little. I don't know what I'll feel if he doesn't write back. Or if he does, for that matter.

Everyone is saying I've done the right thing. I guess they're right. But damn i'm so torn up inside.

This weekend I'm going on a trip for work to a spa town. It will be good to get out of the flat, out of this city. I'll have a massage, drink the 'healing' waters. And I'll try not to think how it was one of the places we meant to go but just didn't get to it.