Baby's first 5K in Glowing world

Things are becoming more comfortable here. Instead of spending 4 or 5 hours cleaning and putting things away, I’ve set aside 25 minutes a day. 25 minutes for whatever cleaning chores there are, whether it’s laundry, dishes, wiping some wall that bothers me, something. I have an alarm set. Then it tells me to do 25 minutes of stretching. Or, I tell me to do 25 minutes of stretching. I’m trying to schedule the habits that I want to have. Flossing. Writing. I’ve been successful at running 3 days a week, I feel like adding a few more things will ultimately make me feel more relaxed and happy. If I’m always beating myself up for not doing the things that I want to do, that isn’t encouraging to go to more stuff.

But I did a 5K on Sunday. In 37 minutes. If I shave off 5 minutes, I could be in the top half of runners. That’s actually exciting to me. It was really fun, doing that run. I treated it like a normal training session- run 15 seconds, walk 45 seconds. People didn’t know what to make of me. Thing is, that strategy is helping me build muscles, confidence, and stamina so that I can gradually run faster longer. I still beat 204 people! Some of them were walking the whole way, but there were lots of them doing teeny tiny barely running steps, and my walking was faster than that. They were expending a lot of energy, thinking that their “running” was better than walking, because that’s the story they have in their head. What this race taught me was that everyone just has to run their own race. One woman saw me walking for part of the last quarter mile, and yelled at me for it. She said, “No walking! We’re almost there!” I gave her a look, I think. Next time someone says that, I hope I smile. Because I was counting. I hadn’t gotten to 45 seconds yet. I knew I was about to sprint to the finish line, but I knew if I did it then, I wouldn’t make it and I’d have a wimpy finish. When it was time, I just fucking bolted. I ran as fast as I fucking could. I blew past her. I beat the shit out of her. She didn’t know my plan. She didn’t know my body. She was just repeating the story that some PE teacher probably told her. She got to feel significant, superior. She was essentially calling me lazy. I mean, hello? It’s 9am, on a cold rainy Sunday in winter on Super Bowl Sunday. I don’t know if she felt like a dumbass after I beat her ass. I don’t know if she learned anything, but I know I did. Just because someone gives you advice, even if it’s the conventional thing that everyone else is doing, I don’t have to fucking follow it. I’m the one who has to live with the consequences of an injury to my body, and I’m the one that gets to feel satisfied that I finished strong.

See, I still want to work out this week. I didn’t want to go as hard as I could and be broken. I’m running again Wednesday and Friday. I’m not just running a race to get a particular time on a particular day. I’m running because I’m a goddamn runner, and I’m turning myself into a strong athlete with a lot of power and energy. I want to prove to myself that I can accomplish things that aren’t necessarily fun, but are good for me. I’m changing my brain chemistry. I’m using running instead of shopping online, or drugs, or something else. I’m teaching myself that I’m fucking unstoppable.

So that’s going well. I signed up for my next race in early April. My goal that day is to run at least 30 seconds for every 30 seconds I walk. I googled “How to train for a 5K” and did the plan listed on Mayo clinic. I like it. I missed two weeks, and had to go back to the beginning, but I can tell I haven’t lost everything. I just have to teach my body that it’s still ok to go fast.

I am donating $15 per month to Planned Parenthood. It’s an automatic withdrawl, and it’s interesting what it does for me psychologically. I’m teaching myself that I have enough money that I can give some away. I think I spend more money mindlessly when I’m scared that I don’t have enough. I don’t know the mental gymnastics on that, but somehow that’s what I was doing. Also, it’s an organization that helped me before I had my own health insurance, and it feels good to know that I’m contributing to something that will actively help other people.

I’m becoming better friends with Tom, Svea, and Anna.

I backed down counseling to “as needed.” I’ll still go to couples counseling sessions when Kenny wants me there, but last time we actually ran out of things to talk about. That’s the goal, I think.

I feel really good. Things aren’t perfect. But I feel like I’m more actively looking for reasons why things are good, instead of looking for reasons why things are bad. The bad things are always available, but I don’t have to live there.

My skin cleared up.