Awake and Waking Up in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I haven’t had a job for about a week and a half. I quit my job because I had another one lined up, but the starting date for that job keeps getting pushed back. I’m not worried about it, I’m just trying to enjoy the time while I have it, resting and recouping.

The day after I quit my job, Golnar and I decided that we were going to go on a road trip, and we decided we weren’t going to make any plans, just go with the flow. It ended up being amazing.

I had some plan to write all about it…but looking at it now, I kind of feel like maybe the experiences I had on this trip aren’t for anyone but Golnar and I.

We went to Vegas, Salt Lake City, Bryce Canyon, Zion National Park, Sedona, Scottsdale, and Phoenix.

To keep a very long story very short, I had another spiritual awakening. God spoke to me directly. It was truly beautiful…and now the earth speaks to me. I don’t feel worthy, but I know I must be.

…

On the trip, we visited my best friend and brother, Alec. He was fucking wasted. He looked like shit, smelled like shit, kept talking shit, yelled “nigger” in the middle of the street for reasons that are unknown and absolutely nobody was impressed.

He’s just off the rails.

I talk to him at least once a week on the phone and he just tells me the exact same story, every time, it lasts for about 45 min to an hour, he doesn’t give me a chance to get a word in, then he tells me he’s sick of his shit and he hangs up.

One of the things that he always says is that he can feel the alcohol destroying his insides…he says he can feel how fucked up his organs are…and then he says he wants to stop but he doesn’t know how…and then he says he doesn’t want to stop at all.

Before I went and saw him he called me crying and said he didn’t want me to see him that way.
The next day he kept hitting me up asking me when I was going to come through, he didn’t even remember saying he didn’t want me to see him.

…a couple of days ago he sent me some long E-mail telling me what a shitty friend I am for not spending as much time with him as he would have liked…and in truth, I did cut my last visit with him short, but I had my reasons.

I let him know my reasons.

I told him I drove over 700 miles to see his ass and when I showed up he was such a drunk mess that he might as well have not even been there.

I told him I wanted him to meet Golnar, but he was too fucked up to do that, I mean…she met some sort of version of him.

I dunno…I said a lot of things.

I’m in that mode, right now, I’m not taking shit from anyone. I’m on my own program, I’m moving forward and I’m moving fast…I’m just not going to stop and turn around for anyone right now.

I’ll be there for Alec as best as I can, but I’m not going to support him killing himself.

That’s all.

Okay, I’m tired.
I’ve had raging anxiety since I woke up, I think I’m going to take my meds and go lay down.
Sorry it’s been so long.
I love you.
Hope you still love me.
Hope you remember me.
-Dane