I just don't know what to do in Portrait of a....

Dear Diary...Dear World...Dear You...Dear whoever may be reading this...Dear no one?

I don't know I will have to figure that one out.

I've just had my hearbroken. And I'm talking crushed. Torn to pieces. It's just a quivering, whimpering, mess of a thing. And I really don't know how to deal with it.

We've had no contact since Friday (today is Monday). I did the breaking up. But, it was because I was the one being rejected.

I cry. A lot. I try to hold it in when i'm in public, at work, and then explode into sobs when I get home. Those gut-wrenching, incredibly loud, chest-crushing sobs. My neighbours, who were most likely bothered by our loud and enthusiastic sex noises, are now being annoyed by my incessant sobbing. I wake up, I cry. I lie in bed, our bed, at night and cry. Problem is, when I cry there's no hiding it. My face instantly puffs up and gets red. Sometimes, in the morning after crying the night before my eyes are so red and puffy I look like i have some plague or severe allergic reaction. So, it's hard to hide that something is up.

The break up took 3 days. It started with a normal conversation that descended into break up hell.

Truth is, the reason this is so hard for me is that I really love him. I'm so in love him with, like no one before. I'm not some young, naive girl. I have experience, and yes I've had my heart broken before, but not like this. For the first time in my life i'm considering therapy. And I've never gone before, not because i look down on it or anything, just never felt the need. But, I feel like I can't cope with this. I don't know what to do. I have never loved anyone this intensely and to say that i feel destroyed right now is not an understatement.

It's just so sad. So fucking sad.