February, 12, 2019 in Black Book

Life was like prison. Every day same things going on and on. It feels like there’s a barrier. A wall. Nontheless, it was partly my fault to begin with. I was a hyper-kid. They say i’m very active when I was a kid, even now, they still question my maturity. It’s not that they locked me up in a room somewhere. I still could go outside. But the question now is, where is “outside”.
My life is only from point A to point B and revert, not much. It made me feel empty. Sure I’ve encounter times when it was feel like I’m free and alive. And thus I’ve also had few times of romance, altough neither were successful, and it sure leave marks for me.

Neither were true, only leech sucked up to me.

Last story didn’t end up so well but made me comes up with new resolution, or more like realization. The fact that I was never capable, and I just couldn’t do anything to change it. I have limit. More than other people has. I was and still too obedience. I pissed at myself. I get sick whenever I looked at the mirror. Whenever I looked at my old self-portrait at social media. That man only crying for freedom yet can’t do anything to get it. That man’s a douche. A sack of dump.
Last story also made me realize that light wasn’t going to come anytime soon. probably would never come. I’ve lost faith. I refuse to believe anymore. Nothing change no matter how much I kneel or begging. I’ve contemplated even tried suicide, but once again I sucked at it. My fear still gets better on me. And thus earned me the title freak.
Last story made my reputation went downhill. And again, can’t do anything to fix it. Still, heart still the same. Still the same person until this day.
Creativity also went out. Can’t think of anything productive nor fresh. Can’t create anything anymore. Lack of idea, altough they expect it the most from me.
If I were to ask something, the only thing I beg seriously is to disapear, or moved to another world, or another life. One that isn’t a prison. One where the lead protagonist is not a sore loser. Whose parents aren’t religiously-strict. Whose lovelife is succed. Who has good social standing and real friends wo weren’t assholes. Who has endless amount of money so endless that he isn’t afraid to burn it.
Last story also turned me into a mild-weeb. an otaku. does nothing but sit and binge or play games everyday. Nothing but a pile of trash covered in flesh.