bad dream.. edited in General musings

Woke up about an hour ago from a bad dream ...not too clear, but it was about F and I was crying, or attempting to, but couldn't get out any tears. Haven't heard from him in about 3 days...and today is our "anniversary". We'll see how I am by the end of the day if he doesn't call. Didn't have to wait long...he called at around 9 - said he was in a hospital bed (hasn't lost the flair for the dramatics, has he?). He's been having some eye problems since last week, and had double vision and dizziness this morning so he called in sick and drove himself to the hospital. He did wish me a happy anniversary and added that he should have sent a card ...to annoy my husband. I had said to him last week, that annoying my husband seems more important than making me happy. (He denied it...said the hubby part is just "gravy"). I can feel him, insidiously telling me I'm not happy...I dread my husband's return...I've only ever loved him.... I guess the difference is, this time around, I can see the strings, so to speak. Oh, and he asked if I was still keeping an online journal. I said the one I had used all along recently shut down. "Oh? Were you able to save it?" I said yes, I downloaded it, not that I'm so sure it is a great thing to have, and he of course suggested, "Well, you could destroy it." He's already called about 4 times ("I have to make up for not talking to you for like 5 days- I wanted to on Friday, and again yesterday, but I didn't want to make trouble.") and again, "Whatever happens, I will not lose contact with you again. I need you in my life." We talked again about going away in the spring to the car event we used to do every year...but...that would make the shit hit the fan in every possible way. He said we haven't done anything wrong...yet...and that doing so is on me, this time.