Slipping On My Updating in meh...

1) Daughter has a court date. I’ve been on her to make an appointment with the public defenders office, don’t know about her success on that. I stress how important it is, but I know if I push she will resist. That is her nature toward me. Also her nature to let things ride until they can’t be ridden anymore. Truth is I’m done stressing myself. I’ve prayed about it, left it all in God’s hands.

2) My journey in this Christian life is going. I’m excited about life, excited to be learning. Even though I grew up in church I’ve had experiences in the church and with people of the church that have scarred me, but I went home. I’ve been going to church, my dad’s church since November and solidly at that. We are in the season of Lent right now. Instead of the customary “give up” tangible things, I’ve decided to discipline myself to give up being an angry driver and cussing at people on the road. I’ve been trying to stop cussing so much anyway. Needless to say I’m quiet a lot these day. LOL

3) Interview went well with my sister in law. I filled out an entry level office assistant/legal secretary job. Basically, they are looking for someone trainable. I am trainable. The person got in touch with me rather quickly saying she wanted to speak with me over the phone. Thing is, she will have to call me at work. My phone is currently off and we are in our downtime.

4) In February, I anonymously received a money order made out to me from, and I quote, “LOLOLOLOLOLOL” whose address was “Outer Space” for $500. I didn’t understand it, I couldn’t decipher who it came from. I, instead, thanked God for the blessing and kept it moving.

Honestly, as far as work goes, I don’t know what the future holds for me. I’ve been on my current job for 20yrs. I’ve watched as some positions have been eliminated, downsized to part time, and when I’m in my down season, I feel guilty about the amount of money I get paid because I don’t do anything much. the phone barely rings. I’m getting to the point again where my duties seem stupid and it’s more or less, am I getting certain duties because they want to make it relevant as to why I am still here and getting paid what I’m getting paid. Things are changing and I am always, taken care of, but sometimes, I wonder how valuable I really am. That’s the nature of my zodiac, Cancer. I always need reassurance, but only when I’m feeling insecure.
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For some reason, I was thinking about the second (or third) time I ever had sex in my life. Most of my indiscretions as a youth were sex related. I was not wild, but I was sneaky. My mother was strict and very religious and any dirt I did was within the confines of the time I was allowed. There were a few times that, when I messed up, it was big. We talk about that stuff and she said that once. That I was a good girl, but when I messed up, I messed up big.

So this particular time, I was on the phone with a friend. He came to my house in a car. I hopped in the car with him and we just went out riding on the highway. I don’t even really know how we became friends. He was supposed to be going with (be a boyfriend to) a friend of mine. We somehow started talking on the phone a lot. I never really knew he liked me until that night. And when I think about it, I can only remember flashes. We ended up in the back seat and I felt some kind of way about what we were about to do because he was my friends boyfriend. He said he didn’t love her like he loved me. I didn’t know what to say. It could have been the time-old tale of the boy saying what he wanted to get what he wanted, but I don’t think that was the case this time. But as it stands, we had sex in the backseat of this car. It was actually a beautiful moment. I remember tears in my eyes as we kissed. I remember putting my hands on his stomach to slow him down. I remember his body, that stupid du-rag he was wearing. I’ve had some seriously grown up interactions at a young age. When young girl is observant, smart, molested and sexualized, she kind of knows things and grows up quickly.

I don’t know why I stayed out all night with him. The car could have gotten broken into. Someone could have crashed into us. We were on the side of a highway. It was daylight when we headed back. My mom had called the police. She called them again when I got home. Some officer with a mustache and a weird puff ball for hair was talking to me. I knew I messed up. I was on punishment for a month. Anything that could have kicked off with this guy was thwarted by my punishment. When the phone rang, I could not answer it or talk on it. No visitors or company. Just my friends at school and that was it. Found out later, that he took his parents car without permission and they had reported it stolen. He got in serious trouble for that.

He gave my number to his brother to reach out to me after we fell off a bit. Found out he was in jail for one reason or another. His brother decided that he wanted me for himself. I didn’t want that, because duh, I slept with his brother. I was a 17yro senior in high school by this time. This brother of his was in his 20’s. I communicated with his brother and he decided that he wanted to marry me. Asked me when was the next time I was out of school so we could do this. Yeah. I ghosted him after that. He knew where I lived, but dared not show up at my house. Most of guys I broke up with ended by ghosting. Some of them probably didn’t like me anyway, just wanted to see if they could hit it or not. So if I ghosted them, they never cared. Some will see me in these later years of our lives and call me a heart breaker. I don’t know why though. Especially the ones that played me. How could I break your heart if I never had it??
Another few stories for another time…

My life was something else.
And even saying THAT is a bit of an understatement.

Oh well…

Thanks for letting me purge.
Till next time. Love to you all…

Kindest regards,
Sister