thirteen in poems

tonight is the first night of fear

it sits in my stomach and chews away at the intestines
reminds me of the love i bear even as i shed my lovers like dreams upon waking
it lives on what ifs and clings like spider silk to the faintest idea of hope
(the kind that is born out of fear of what may never happen)
each idea it whispers festers in my mind
lost in the crevices of a heart i can’t find through my terror
hollowed in the dark of a broken soul the voices win

what if i made a mistake and what if you are actually a good man and what if i was wrong and what if i’m feeling it wrong and what if i’m making it up and what if its all in my head and what if you really did love me

i forget how good i am at gaslighting my heart