Always the auntie in A new era

I've just spent another lovely afternoon with my little goddaughter grace, and her baby brother Alfie. Grace is three soon, and she's growing up so fast. She's already independent, not wanting help to go to the toilet, wanting to do it on her own. She has an answer for everything, usually something cheeky, but equally hilarious.

She also manages to con me into buying her things everytime I see her, or just blatantly helping herself to pennies out of my purse! Today, we went for cat litter and watch batteries and she came home with a small ceramic mug with a squirrel on it, to be her big girl cup that she can leave at Aunty Jo's house!

And Alfie, where do I start with that gorgeous little bundle, 4 months old, a super smiley baby, even now he's slobbery and teething. He only cries when he wants feeding or his nappy changing, and he gives the most heartwarming smiles. He's started chatting away, and thinks it's hysterical when you tickle his nose!

I absolutely love spending time with these two. They're as adorable as can be. It does, however, make me wonder if I'm destined to always be Aunty Jo, and if I'll ever get the chance to be mummy.

I was always ambivalent about it, then grace was born and my biological clock started ticking big time. It's funny isn't it, I've been feeling weird all week, having bizarre, excruciating pelvic pain and my boobs, well you can't even touch them. I have the contraceptive implant, so I'm not worried about pregnancy, but I did a test anyway, because everyone in work freaked me out and said it could be embryo implantation causing the pain. Obviously it was negative.

Ten years ago, taking a pregnancy test would be the most horrific thing, if it had been positive back then it would have been the end of world. Now, it'd be crappy timing, John and i don't live together and financially neither of us in the best shape, we just booked a holiday to Florida for next year, it wouldn't be ideal. But it wouldn't be the disaster it would have been a few years ago. I get maternity pay, I have a job to go back to, john loves me, it could be worse.

When I told my friend today that I had done a test, and that I had used clear blue, she told me they were awful for giving false readings and I should buy a cheaper one because strangely they're more accurate. And now I'm freaked out again. I'm still having pains, like period pains, my boobs have subsided a little tho, and no bleeding at all.

Maybe I'll take another test tomorrow to be safe.

Xx