yeah. there's a lot going on. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

To answer a recent noter's q.

um. I'm recovering from the Karlye thing. [ok so back in Sept. I found out that my friend Karlye had. well um she's not w/ us anymore. ..............and i'm 9 yrs. too late. she. went of her own accord].

I told my mentor in like Nov. I think. but I haven't talked or blogged about it. yeah i'm still in shock. took me 8 months to tell my mentor about Pat.

I survived the year 'anniversary' of the breakup. and Valentine's Day which was yesterday. so yay. [and yet i'm somehow excited/surprised even though as a Leo, according to our mythology, spears are rendered useless against me - as it were. so good luck. it's a metaphor.thingy].

um. I'm moving next month. No which is good really good. emotionally it'll be so much better. But it reminds me of last time I moved. which btw was involuntarily.

I have my period. which isn't out of the ordinary.

The thing w/ my dad.........the Stevie [again. my mom's dog] thing.

And. um. next month the 13th it'll be a yr. since Pat passed. ok so that's a Thursday.

so yeah. a lot going on. I've relapsed as a result and any relapse is only a symptom even though it's - addiction - is also a disease. it's/they're both.

The most current thing is that I'm moving. and again that's. really good but. um. it's a change a big change and I don't do well w/ change [well no clearly not if I've relapsed]. even if it's something I've decided. well no actually since I do well w/ a change I've decided.

Cause see. in a way I didn't decide this. Like I put back in May I involuntarily I moved out of my place and into my mom's for the last 8 months. [oh for a month in fall/winter I moved into a host home and then another].

seems like every few months something big happens. it started last Dec. before that I was fairly ok. [well I mean I was still drinking so I obviously wasn't that ok]. and my ex and I were together which wasn't like horrible or anything. No we just didn't always get on well.

And I don't want that. 'that' being that every few months something big happens. I won't say it won't happen I'm saying I don't want it to but I'm aware it could it might.

And I hope once I move it won't be like that though again. don't know.

yes and that's the thing is I don't know. it wouldn't be easier it'd just be different. [types the lady who's not a fan of change. yes I know I know. well it depends on what kind of change and who's making it].

Ya know. 'the bird flies but it will always return to the earth'. I've been remembering that lately.

btw thank you for your notes about my dream. You're right it wasn't literal. but it's hard to see that when we have a dream like that.