something happened i, think. something not good in my world. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

well actually something did happen i'm just not sure if it's bc of what happened that I've been feeling this way. um.

[btw. no I wasn't sexually traumatised again].

um. I've been scared. like moreso than usual. of my dad.

Ok backround: when I was 17 I was r*ped by my 2nd now-ex boyfriend. I didn't know exactly what had happened at the time just that something awful had. and that wwhen I was. you know. I wwas in horrible pain. but that's where it ended.

So I didn't tell anyone until 2 yrs later when I was in college. as I didn't understand. [no I didn't go to the hospital/end up pregnant].

Yeah so. Also, when I was 17 Xmas Eve that yr my dad was hit by a drunk driver. car accident. which is why I don't like Xmas.

in college I saw a therapist and we talked about the r*pe. I don't remember the words but I remember we talked about it. apparently.

ok so even though he didn't do anything like that ever since like. I knew, you know. like I consciously knew I'd been r*ped I've been scared of my dad. he doesn't know this I don't think. we're not close and that's one reason why. [he also well. fails as a dad]. and even if he knew it I don't know that he'd really get it as he has Asperger's though I honestly can't say.

And it's interesting since i'm not afraid of guys in general. no some of my close friends are guys. Like I don't have a problem w/ guys. just my dad.

I don't want to go into why I've been more scared.

That's the 1st point of this entry.

btw I talked to my friend Mark about that, a bit.

The 2nd is that. on Sun. night I'm going to overnight at a lady's house. [so, obviously, i'll be away from my dad]. oh and my point there is that that couldn't've come at a better time. yeah. I need to get the hell out of my mom's. again, couldn't've come at a better time.

I've as usual been getting out during the day which is helping.