Reluctant Plume in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

I had not intended to write today. My original plan was to merely read PB entries, note if I were able, and remain otherwise silent as a writer.

But the world is frozen, the Midwest is effectively closed for business, and I am at work choosing to be The Best I Can by not merely refusing to come to work though the offer is certainly open to me.

Last night at the gym, I weighed myself during the workout. Granted, tennis shoes on and clothed… but the scale said 225.8. So if I were charting
Original: 235.00
End of January: 225.8

So, I’ll take it. Obviously, I’m worried about plateaus and all the other things that can certainly block progress. But returning to my stated goals for weight loss: By the end of the year I would like to be less than 200 pounds (or 175 pounds, or 160 pounds… depending on success). SO with 11 months left, at 225.8.... I have time. Can’t let concerns plague me just yet. So at minimum I just need to make sure I’m losing around 3 pounds per month as long as I don’t gain any in the meanwhile.

So one of the reasons I had decided not to write today (despite the fact that I am clearly writing today) is that with the world a mostly Hoth-Level plain of snow and insane temperatures, I am far more likely to write things that are (1) personal and (2) sound more dramatic than they actually are. SO with that statement, I would offer a warning to the reader. Preemptive… this may not even be needed but on the very likely chance that it is needed: if anything that follows in this entry sounds melodramatic, over the top, or in any other way overemotional be warned that it may simply be a writing style failure and not necessarily the truest sense of my heart.

Changing tacks a bit since she was in town recently; my chosen Candidate for the Democratic Presidential Run in 2020 Kamala Harris came to Des Moines and gave a town hall. I support her and, as previously stated, she is my candidate. But in an ever more common move, as she discussed Medicare For All and expanded it to ‘getting rid of private insurance.’ I can’t say how well that may have played with the audience; but in Iowa, I can’t imagine that would be considered welcome. Iowa’s non-farming businesses are almost exclusively Insurance. Des Moines is the town that Insurance built. Someone, ANYONE, suggesting to do away with Private Insurance in Iowa?? I just imagine the whirlwind of spending that those large corporations are going to engage in to make sure Iowans “know what Iowa without Insurance Companies would look like!”

Oh and stupid stupid fucking local politicians. I’ve talked about Steve King plenty on here before. He’s the guy that has openly supported White Supremacists, Neo Nazis, actual Nazis, complained that “other people’s babies” aren’t good for community development, actually said that he wants to see America ‘look homogenized’, compared immigrants to dirt, and recently complained about the fact that “White Supremacist” and “White Nationalist” were considered offensive terms. THAT is Steve King. However, a local politician (a 68 year old wealthy white Iowan) in my county recently said the following:

“I’ve known Mr. King for years. The first thing I’ll say unequivocally is that he’s not a racist. He may use terminology that’s not acceptable at times and he may also think that he’s sharp enough to be able to explain to everyone else exactly what he’s trying to say. Unfortunately, at times he fails there pretty bad.” The politician went on to state that Mr. King’s treatment in the media has been unfair. Especially in light of “We have Muslim House of Representatives using curse words toward our president!”

SO… I think you say more about YOURSELF there than you do about Mr. King. He’s not a racist? Okay, then why did he specifically imply that he doesn’t want to see non-whites in Iowa? He’s not a racist? Then why is he complaining that White Nationalist and White Supremacist are offensive?? You’re stating that he may use “terminology that’s not acceptable at times”? Yeah… talk about terminology that isn’t acceptable at all. Just because you use the N-word on your farm doesn’t mean that it is acceptable there. And, honestly, the fact that you immediately jump to say “Muslim House of Representatives?” Says a lot about you. You could have said “Democrats in the House” and tried to smear all of your political opponents. You didn’t. You specifically called out the religion. Not that it is a surprise, this particular Local Politician is hardcore that Muslims are the Enemy of America… despite how shortsighted and stupid such a sweeping generalization is.

Meanwhile, asshole insane undemocratic bastards in our area are already shouting that they will refuse to have Primaries for Mr. King’s next election. Despite multiple Republicans now announcing that they wish to run against him; his supporters are screaming that doing so “Isn’t patriotic or American.” Proving once and for all that these fucking morons don’t know the meaning of the phrase “patriotic” or “American.” Refusing to hold an election because the people may wish to replace the incumbent? That is probably the most unAmerican thing I can think of!

Frankly, I shared many of those BBC Polls because there is an emotional confusion I can’t figure out, honestly.

The people I know that are the most ardent Trump supporters are also the most hateful Obama detractors. The raw emotion behind it is… a little scary. PRAISE Trump; CRUCIFY Obama. And here’s the thing… Obama made a shit ton of mistakes and bad calls. But he was an effective President, despite nearly unprecedented obstruction from Tea Party Republicans after 2012. Trump has made a shit ton of mistakes and bad calls. He has been a disaster of a President, despite nearly unprecedented support from Tea Party Republicans until 2019. Devoid of emotion, Obama wasn’t the greatest President ever but he wasn’t ruinous to the Country in matters of International or Domestic policy. Devoid of emotion, Trump isn’t the greatest President every but he has created massive issues in matters of International Policy and his Domestic Policy matters have not been fully felt but certainly cause concern on a number of fact-based metrics. This… passionate enslavement to emotion over intellect; bias over fact; bullshit over investigation… that may be the Defining Element of United States History in the final half of the 20-teens. And it is shameful.

Here’s the thing about today at work… there is slated to be LOADS of important work done… but none of it has been assigned to me. I’ve already made my phone calls and my e-mails and my paperwork. I have a single hearing… if the people even show up… then that is my day but for the typical surprises and calamities that happen without warning. My morning of hearings lasted from 10:30 to 12:15. Went to grab food and get gas in my car? Oh my blustering Jesus! Arctic temperatures of -30 due to strong winds making the already -4 air temp plummet even further! My secretary assured me that if I felt a desire to leave for the day, nobody would blame me. Of course… it is me. The Boss Avocat is in trials and depositions and hearings today… so someone should be available to help if police, citizens, or politicians call needing to speak to an attorney from our office. So I’ll stay. Survive the cold. And dearly worry about tomorrow. Because you see… tomorrow is predicted to be much much colder.

Just overheard that they are likely to close the courthouse entirely tomorrow. IF that happens, I won’t come in to work. I mean, technically… they can’t make me because if the Courthouse is closed that means The County is closed.

HA! As I was typing the previous sentence the County sent an e-mail “All offices to close at 2 p.m. and to remain closed tomorrow.” SO THERE’S THAT! :p

Of course, immediately following that I get an e-mail from the State Attorney’s Office requesting information and further review materials for the very involved and factually tragic Sexual Assault of a Minor cases.

I don’t often do this but this section that I am writing now will be in reference to the picture that comes after this writing and acts as the content break. It is a poor photo from the movie “That’s My Boy” and is shared to indicate a particular scene of the movie acted by Eva Amurri Martino. Anyone familiar with the actress is certain to point out that she is obviously attractive and… of course she is. She is the daughter of a true Italian Celebrity and Susan Sarandon. Despite how I may feel about the woman in other regards; she has decent enough genes that it is no surprise that her daughter is a stone cold fox. Now here’s the thing… I never watched the movie That’s My Boy. To me… it was yet another infuriating example of how Hot Female Teacher Rapes Underaged Boy is a punchline in our society, a joke, something to take less seriously. Meanwhile Any Male Teacher Rapes Underaged Girl is the worst crime we can think of, hang the offender, terrible crime! Here’s the truth of it… as a young man with hormones… would it have been cool to have an affair with the sexy teacher? Maybe. But if it is true for a boy, why wouldn’t it be true for a girl?? As a young girl with hormones… would it have been cool to have an affair with the sexy teacher? If you’re one of those people that say, “Well, in that situation the girl is being manipulated by a more powerful figure into giving them what they want!” Isn’t the same true for the boy? If the response to that is, “Yeah, but that is what makes it hot for the boy. The woman wants him so much that she exerts her power!” Well, what if a girl finds an exertion of power sexy? In short: If a teacher having sex with a student is going to be considered wrong or illegal; GENDER DOESN’T MATTER! And movies like “that’s my boy” go immediately into the “Fuck this” pile for me.

However… on Facebook this morning, someone shared

video. As videos on Facebook play automatically, my attention was quickly peaked. The outfit (pencil skirt, blouse) that the actress is wearing (depicted poorly in below Content Break photo) is absolutely awesome to me. Like… when I talk ‘sexy” this is one of the things I’m talking about. I don’t need slutty in my life… I don’t need abundance of skin showing… something like this works perfectly for me. And, yes… I’ll admit… I far prefer a woman that will drop the bullshit and go after what she wants… a woman flirting with me is awesome, even if I have no idea she’s flirting with me (which used to happen a LOT more than it does now!) But yeah… as much as I hate the Double Standard for Teacher Rape… I do have to admit, I found the teacher very attractive and would have been very receptive to her attention.

The following Content Breaks all came from the same Facebook group that shared the video.

Video I Can’t Understand

After much time has passed.

Here is where I worry about the cold, the melodrama, the stretch of time between things. On my slow drive home, my old synaptic pathways triggered some things. I smelled chlorine in my nose. I imagined the old “What if I knew then what I know now” and before you knew it, I was full fledged into another “How would I change my past with knowledge of the future” thought pattern. A thought pattern that never produces anything in the here and now and is ultimately fruitless and borderline obsessive.

Then I walked into my home and saw my wife looking beautiful in spite of herself. And another thought hit.

I grew up in West Des Moines going to Valley High School. I was an actor, a singer, an athlete, and a musician (instrumental). I grew up with the wealthy and the attractive (whether I deserved to or not). Despite my early lack of great social confidence and my passion to save myself for my bride… I was not above noticing the extreme attractiveness of many of the girls in my schools and I was not above appreciating that some of those girls talked with me. As I’ve aged and moved around? The “concentration of women I find attractive” was highest in High School, second Highest in Law School. And then at far far far less of a concentration… third highest in College. Then at far far far less of a concentration.... other places I’ve lived.

I’m sure somewhere someone is chanting in a sing-song manner, “Beggars can’t be choosers” but I can certainly have standards and a particular “I want to be with someone I find attractive” mind set. Now I say this because… I find my Wife attractive. But our relationship may implode because her extreme self-confidence deficiency may make our relationship issues unresolvable. But if that’s the case? Perhaps someone like her, someone I found so attractive, only dated/married me because of her low self-esteem. My mind starts doing the game of “What if the people you find attractive will never find you attractive?” And even though that isn’t something that I have to worry about right now (I’m still married, we haven’t agreed to divorce yet, we’re still going to try to solve this damned issue)......... it is something in my head.

The three things that stick in my head like a big ol’ negative cloud

(1) What if you become single, and you never find someone that is attractive to you?
(2) What if you become single, and you never find someone that is attractive to you and is also single?
(3) What if you become single, and you never find someone that is attractive to you and is also single and is also attracted to you?

Yeah. So… while I’m trying to give my wife whatever support or whatever she needs to try to get over this deeply personal issue that is significantly hurting our marriage… I still have the time and energy to worry about the hypothetical scenarios I may never encounter.