Choices in Current Events

I finally pushed through my social anxiety enough to make it to the gym… entrance. Not even. Man, I can’t help but laugh at my pitiful self. I planned it all out, I went to bed early and woke up at 4:30 am. I had my coffee and my breakfast and then I put on my gym clothes. I figured that there would be no one there at 5 am because it’s Sunday and it is -47c outside. So after an hour and a half of battling my negative thoughts, I finally left the house. There were three cars parked right in front and I could see in the window that everybody was in the corner that I wanted, white peopling all over the only machines that I wanted to use. So I did a driveby. My mind wanted to hate the world for always having people in it. No matter where I want to go and when I want to go there… a bitch will always be there too. Literally, even in the middle of nowhere somebody is around the corner. Do people even get lost at sea anymore? But we’re all on this rock together so I need to find a way to get over it. There is so much that I want to do but I keep letting this social anxiety win.
On that note, I finally have an appointment with a therapist on Tuesday. I was on a three-month waiting list and I suppose that the centre picks someone at random for me. I prayed to God, to Guru Nanak Dev Ji and to Krishna, Shiva and Ganesha that I would not be paired up with a white, heterosexual male and my prayers were answered. I think? His name is Atta and his accent is very thick. I think it is Persian? Egyptian? Our whole interaction over the phone was awkward but in the way that I like. It was real and very human. Noting at all like that phony white guy that I turn on for my customers. I’m naturally going to worry about what he thinks of me but I can cross off feeling less-than if he is indeed a P.O.C (person of colour). There are layers to society that he will just understand without me having to explain. Which God would one have to pray to if they were to hope that an individual is gay? I’m asking for a friend lol. There are layers to society that only a person from the gay community would understand. It would be great if I could just talk about my life without having to explain gay culture to him too.
Anyways, in a world where my mental health has never been better, I remind myself that I have choices. I chose to leave that gym and that’s on me and not on the people who got there before me. I could have made different choices and have been leaving that gym right now post workout. So what choices can I make to help with my social anxiety? I could invite a friend to the gym. I could hire a fitness trainer, which I’ve been thinking about doing. I could choose to just push myself even harder and just do it. *Don’t let your dreams be dreams. Yesterday you said tomorrow. Just DO IT! * I love a Shia LaBeouf moment. I did make the choice a while ago to get a therapist to help me with this hurdle. I’ve come a long way on this mental health journey of mine but I am still stuck on this one. The part of me that stops. The part of me that quits before even trying. This was not a big problem before I met Roarke. Something changed in me and now I finally get to face it.

Last updated January 27, 2019