“¯\_(ツ)_/¯“ in Dead-end

I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. My days blur into the next, I wake up to a dead phone and have no idea when in the day I am. Did I depression sleep until late in the afternoon? Did my brain short out and decide three hours of sleep was enough today? “¯_(ツ)_/¯“

There’s some sort of shame spiral today. It’s been four months since I moved here and I have yet to find a job. I’ve been depending on my amazing partner to basically keep me alive and I am fiercely upset by my own incompetence. This morning was the third day in a row that I awoke to a negative balance of - $114, praying that I don’t have any auto payments come out that would spiral me even deeper into a hole I have no current way to get out of. If my credit wasn’t so garbage, I could maybe get a credit card, but even the high risk ones turn me down. I’m back to eyeing non-essentials I can liquidate so I can eat a hot meal today. “¯_(ツ)_/¯“

I feel hopeless and lost and I’m withdrawing from everything. Oddly enough, I don’t have the suicidal murmurings. There’s just…nothingness, a huge gap where my personality and creativity and strength is. I don’t know what to do. At least I have the van, but even she needs help. She needs an oil change and there’s something wrong with the transmission. Maybe, I’m not a mechanic. She shutters and shakes and clicks. “¯_(ツ)_/¯“

I deactivated my Facebook account. The more I see of people, the less I want to see of any of them. I can barely keep a conversation going with anyone because I feel so wholly disconnected. Even playing online isn’t the escape it used to be. The games I really enjoy playing and get my preferred method of communication with others depend on voice chat. Playing in Starbucks means a lot of ambient noise and every game I join, I have people bitching me out about the noise and it makes it a lot less pleasant when your entire team mutes you. I’m there to have fun, win games, improve as a player, make callouts, and goof around with other people. “¯_(ツ)_/¯“

Whatever, I’m just bitching. I’m broke and hungry and sad and just want to live in a house again. I’m this close holds thumb and index finger an inch apart to honestly considering exchanging sexual favors for a place to stay. “¯_(ツ)_/¯“