concussion. in 2018

no i didn’t get another one. thank god. no it’s just. a little over a yr. ago. i got one. jan. 15th or was it the 19th? well anyway. it’s funny i say i remember that bc i don’t, really. like i remember getting it........dear god that was painful. and getting up. from the ground [and thankfully i got up.]. I was with it enough to know a. to get up and 2. that i was in pain. and going into starbucks and having chai and a blueberry muffin.............but i don’t remember ordering. and i don’t really...........remember what happened after. like what i watched online.........whether or not i talked to someone on fb.............and i used to remember what happened right after starbucks. i suppose i must’ve done the usual. and i’d imagine that’s pretty common.
idinno i feel bad about it though if we’re being honest. getting one. cause i was in a hurry and wanted to be on time.........so the lady wouldn’t think something had happened. if i didn’t call. on time which well something did. happen. but feeling like I have to apologise for getting one is like me feeling like I have to apologise for my depression. like what did i do wrong here? well. nothing. yeah but it’s hard for me to. like er. be ok w/ that.
Those were. some of the longest months of my life those 3. after awhile the headaches stopped..........and the pain. for the most part i’ve recovered. i’d been in pain before, it happened but not for that long a time. like bodily, pain not just from a filling or something. and for awhile after........part of me. couldn’t control, how i was around random people. ya know usually. if i’m at the mall. and i’m some place that’s loud. i won’t say much about it. i’ll either move or deal w/ it. [although it is an inconvenience to move when i’ve only just sat down.]. but it seems like..........i’d say, something about it back. then.
i still have memory problems. but i did before then so.
i um. during that time.i talked online to someone from the nat’l suicide hotline. just, you know. to talk to someone. and i did art. er created art rather. on my comp. which no one’s ever seen bc it is so personal. also i’m not ready. like i don’t talk about it. i don’t post much about it on fb. twitter, however...........yes. well if i’m not ready then. that’s ok. um. What got me through it actually. was physically doing things. the things i normally do. but actually having to think about it and making an/the effort to do so. instead of just automatically doing them.
it was. obviously traumatising.
i haven’t checked my bruises in awhile in. quite awhile. I stopped checking them over the summer well bc. it was cold in the bathroom and that’s where i’d go in to check them. and i don’t have a big mirror in my rm. [i don’t like big mirrors it’s. there’s too much mirror.].
oh during my recovery time i had 2 thunderclaps. omygod they were awful. now i have a slight understanding of what i think migraines are like. yeah i hit my brain stem which. is the part that controls breathing so that was terrifying. like no that’s another thing i had to make an effort to do.
it’s. idinno it’s a lot to deal w/...........but i’m here i’m alrite. it changed my life. and me it changed me. the good parts were that i survived and 2. that i didn’t remember the rapes. from in my 20’s. like i don’t really want, another one. [a concussion that is.]. [or to be raped actually. cause no.]. but i liked not remembering them all that much. i don’t think my parents know. cause there’s not much good that can come from telling them. know about the concussion i mean. so. i. don’t tell them. or my sister. [not that i talk to her about big things. cause i don’t.]. or back when valerie was my mentor, her. ok so also i didn’t like her. or my psych. but ya know. there are different and various ways for people to help themselves so. i wonder though...........what changes they noticed. but i don’t think asking them would help me. also i didn’t want to be treated like i was fragile. no it’s my brain that was injured. not me. i get enough of being treated like i’m fragile from the bus people. sometimes. it’s hit or miss. like my brain is, obviously, a part of me but it’s not me. as a person. i slept a lot during that time. i got sick. like nauseous TMI sick. for...........it seemed like wks. but maybe it really wasn’t. my period got worse. but nowadays recently it seems to be flying by. um there were just. a lot of changes. my movement problems............well ever since college i’ve had them. as in. sometimes it feels like people are moving too fast and my brain can’t process it. that’s why i hate when. i’m walking but then. um. 2 random people are walking on either side of me. cause i can’t process it. but anyway. but that got worse. after the. the TBI.
but i can say it now. instead of ‘the accident’ or ‘NI’. i can say ‘i got a concussion’ or ‘a TBI’. right bc i’m ready to. whereas back then i wasn’t.
um. i don’t know. just a lot like i said.