The Other Part in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

So… this is something that should be Private that I am making public. Because I’ve had some alcohol AND because I so often feel like a man without a voice. THAT isn’t a complaint. I’ve dedicated my life to being a voice for the voiceless; a guy that tries to prosecute JUST THE FACTS and refuses to press any oppressive advantage. But ultimately, I’m leaving this public so that I can more easily come back to it, review it, and understand it at some later point in time.

To properly set things up… a few parameters that must be accepted without question in order to understand me:
1: I was raised with magic words and magic rituals. That isn’t a “Wicca” thing. That is a Christian thing, in this regard anyway. Magic Words: Vows to family and God. Magic Rituals: Religious Ceremonies so powerful that they can actually INVERT the morality of a specific action.
2: One such magic ritual is marriage. It takes something that is forbidden and wrong and magically turns it into something that is encouraged and literally blessed by God. That act is, of course, sex.
3: That being said, I was taught with religious zeal that my sexual urges, sexual identity, and sexual self were a conflict. On one hand: A Curse that could only be made acceptable through marriage. On the other hand: A Blessing that was bestowed upon me by a Loving God. In short? I was told “You have strong sexual urges and desires. You should feel bad about them right now; but you should feel happy about them since that means God definitely has a Wife in mind for you.”
4: This teaching creates very complicated emotions around pornography. Pornography, according to my family and my religion, is the exact same as cheating on my wife. Worse, it carries with it an inter and intra personal destruction to it. It destroys SELF because it exposes SELF to women that technically don’t exist or shouldn’t exist. It destroys RELATIONSHIP because it begs comparison and takes RELATIONSHIP activities and makes them Pay For or Solo Activities.
5: I’ve only ever TRULY considered suicide twice. The first time was when Tiffany 2 dumped me to pursue a life of Clubbing. I took it hard. I thought that my mere existence had turned “Successful 4.5 GPA ultra-talented Girl” into a Club Kid. I thought that I was a poison on the earth and that the most loving thing I could do for others was to remove myself from the planet lest I destroy anyone else. The second time was during a particularly rough patch with Aku. I mean, they were all rough. Super rough. But this particular time… I felt truly alone. I had a girlfriend who made me hate myself, who would do whatever she wanted and make me feel bad if I had reservations about it… a girlfriend who cheated on me, harassed me, mocked me in public, and brought me down at every opportunity. I was an emotional WRECK and I couldn’t talk to my parents… I couldn’t sleep… I had been awake for (kid you not) 4 days straight. I turned to porn thinking that an orgasm might help. My parents caught me. I was deeply suicidal for 36 hours after that. Because the whole Religion + Honor + Porn thing for my family. Genuinely suicidal.

So… you need to hear all of that up front. DON’T question it. DON’T try to reason it away. Not because I’m intransigent but because I’m attempting to describe an emotional landscape here not open up my entire past for debate.

SO… we have a boy that was raised to believe everything “sexual” about him was sinful, wrong, and evil UNTIL he got married. Then, by the sacred act of marriage, everything “sexual” about him would be “blessed, right, and proper.” Further, this same boy was taught that Pornography and Masturbation would always be evil, ESPECIALLY after marriage. Thus creating a concept that all the sexual urges and desires the boy had needed to be expressed and experienced through consensual sexual exploration between husband and wife; and any Pornography Usage should be considered evil, dirty, filthy, foul, and at best a sign of TOTAL FAILURE in the marriage.

In my marriage, I have had sex less than 50 times. I am encouraged by my wife to view pornography to “express my sexual needs” so she doesn’t have to “deal with them.” And yet?

I love my wife. I love her heart, her mind, her spirit, her eyes, her face, her breasts, her legs. I love hearing her laugh. Sometimes, I’ll leave the room when she’s watching something hysterical just so I can isolate that scream and laugh. Appreciate it without the distraction of her physical beauty. I love my wife. The fact that she can make something as mundane as Dishes into a full fledged game? She has imagination, whimsy, character. Sure, she is selfish and lazy on things. Of course, she can be a total ass when it comes to working on our marriage. But, individually and isolated from our problems? I love her. Physically, Spiritually, Mentally, and Emotionally.

But she doesn’t feel the same way. Sure she married me. Sure she has fun with me. Sure she appreciated the security I provide and the mental stimulation I provide. But at the end of the day? She’d rather I be watching Porn than be watching her. She’d rather I drool over pixels than compliment her appearance. She’d rather I masturbate than so much as kiss her.

How’s THAT for an emotional, mental, and spiritual conundrum?!?!?!?!?!?!

For those unable to connect the various strands of logic in that rant; hopefully the following will provide a sufficient breakdown to guide you to the same conclusions I’ve drawn::

(1) I was raised to believe that my sexual desires were to be considered evil UNLESS I was married
(2) I was raised to believe that my sexual desires COULD ONLY be satisfied by my wife; or they were still evil
(3) I was raised and/or became by accident nearly SUICIDAL at my use of pornography
(4) I got married to a woman that challenges me intellectually, is fun spiritually, totally has my heart emotionally, and is very pleasing to the eye sexually.
(5) That woman agreed to marry me, loves being my wife, and wants nothing to do with me sexually
(6) In point of fact, provided she never has to see or deal with it she would prefer I go off somewhere, by myself, quietly, and watch pornography and masturbate.
(7) Thus… massive emotional and spiritual issues!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’d rather be fucking my wife.
I’d rather be making love to my wife.
I’d rather be entering into a deep spiritual and physical bond with my wife.
I’d rather be potentially trying to create life with my spouse.
I’d rather be sport fucking my bride.
I’d rather be inventing new, bizarre, acrobatic sexual positions that unlocked the height of ecstasy and sexual satisfaction with my wife!

Instead… I’m rejected. Sent to the basement. Given lotion. And encouraged to seek sexual satisfaction from women who don’t know me, will never know, don’t care to know me, and would really rather never have to interact with me on any level. Even if my parents hadn’t accidentally created a porn/suicide loop… I would consider this shameful. THE woman that wanted to be my wife… cares nothing about my sexual needs. Sends me to a place where I cease to exist. I don’t blame her for the last part. I’m sure she has no concept of the idea. But when a beautiful woman that knows me, claims to love me, claims to understand me.... would rather I seek Porn?? Than she is saying “Your only sexual opportunities are with pre-filmed scripted women who will never see or know you.”

In other words… the woman that knows me best is saying, whether she knows it or not..........

“Only professional whores that will never meet or see you could be sexually interested in you. Masturbate, hate yourself, and move on.”