Keeping Promises in 2014

My last entry in Open Diary was a promise to write more about my plans for the New Year. Obviously that didn't happen there. So, let's talk a little about this, shall we? It's February 11th, and I'm planning on leaving China in April. I intend on spending a year at home, resting, recovering, studying, and then trying to get into JET again. If that doesn't work, I'll apply for a job in Germany, I'll try EPIK for Korea, or I'll use some family connections in Taiwan. If these don't work, I'm considering Finland, the Philippines, or the Czech Republic as distant backups. Of course, the reason why I'm considering things other than Japan relates to another issue that I'd like to bring up. Namely that I have no idea what to do if Japan doesn't work out. Let's explore that, shall we? My father told me that whatever bothers you the most, you're guilty of. It's one reason he was always so critical of my hand writing, apparently. I'm starting to make my way into the world of criticism, and I'm realizing more and more that certain characters and character traits bug me, and that they're the things I'm guilty of.
From the time I was thirteen, I wanted to go to Japan with the JET Programme. That was the plan. That was always the plan. Sometimes it was teaching then music, or teaching then writing, or teaching then translating, or teaching then whatever else seemed possible. But step one was always Japan. I started studying Japanese at fifteen, but I hadn't decided to pursue it as my actual career until three or four years later. When asked why, my answer was telling. I wanted to go into Japanese because it was the only thing I had ever been good at that I felt I could do for a living.
Huh. It's the path of least resistance. Come to think of it, my life has almost always been the path of least resistance. You can trace this back even to the old Courtney and Kat entries. I applied to a university far below my level because it was easy and close. I studied a subject that I found to be easy. Really, after leaving SCS in 9th grade, the only things I ever put any real effort into were women. I chased after and pined for Courtney in 11th and 12th grades. I tried to win back Rachael from 2008 to 2010. Even then, while chasing Courtney, I dated Whitney and had my weird relationship with Lee. While chasing Rachael, I had Niki, and Arielle, and Amber, and even tried things with Courtney a bit. Because it was easy. I started to dislike Niki in '06, but I kept her around until '09 because, while she added nothing to my life, she was easy to keep around. My relationship with Amber was a disaster. Arielle, well, that was fun. That was my only pleasant relationship of the period because I knew exactly what it was. It was a battle of wits and wills that was easy for me to win, but interesting enough to keep me from being depressed. For all I criticize Courtney's husband's "never actually dump a girl" rule, I don't think that I fare a whole lot better. I just sort of give up and put less and less effort until they leave. I did break up with Amanda, but breaking up with her essentially meant that I added girls on the side as she and I would backslide every weekend. It was all too easy. In going through my old entries, I was surprised to find my old love of fighting. It was there, and I remember it. Even Dad remembered it. He, apparently, never wanted us at SCS. One of the things Dad said to me was that the reason I'd done well at SCS (academically anyway) was because I wanted to fight everybody. He realized that about me. I was amazed. I loved struggle. It's all I wanted. I was itching for a fight. I studied hard. Then, I got to Groves, and I became popular, and I just coasted by on what I was good at. Same at The Starlight. I rose socially, I started getting good parts, and then I stopped trying. There was nothing. I had no struggle. In winning, I lose, because I simply gave up. Where is my ambition? For a long time I simply ignored that question. My ambition was dormant, I said. After all, I wasn't sure what I wanted. Because of that, it made perfect sense that I didn't do anything more than halfheartedly. But, aside from temporary insanity with women, I haven 't been sure of what I've wanted in a long time. I always assumed that I'd pick a woman, and that somehow that'd magically decide everything in my life. Now I'm realizing that this is a terrible notion. I've got to reverse it. I've known this for years, but I'm still stuck. What do I want to do?
The only thing I can think of is going to Japan. The trouble is, once I've gotten to Japan, then what? Teach, obviously. For a few more years. The trouble is, I feel like I'm pretty well over teaching, though that may just be because I'm in China. Still, I don't want to teach forever. And that's the problem. I realize that I'm only supposed to dread one day at a time, but a year at home, then hopefully Japan, then what? I'm too old to have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm too old to follow the path of least resistance. But what else is there? I want to fight. At least, I think that I do. I feel like I want to struggle for, or against, something. But what is there? If Japan is what I think it is, then anything that I decide before then is useless. If it's not, then I won't possibly be able to cross that bridge until I come to it. So what do I do for the next year or two? It's hard to feel like you're treading water. I'm treading water. I am. It's an analogy I've used before, but it's different this time. I'm treading water, but I'm doing it in a current. I'm moving along somewhere, but it doesn't seem to have a whole lot to do with me. I've got to keep my head up until I find something to grab on to. But it's hard to do that for another year.