Not Again! in Dealing with the Devil

I’m getting tired of this crap.....he’s going down the same path and I can’t take much more.
As I played with the baby on the floor , he playing in his infant gym thing. I sighed and thought to myself. Finally a day to relax. I’m tired…of the apts and the nonsense he’s put me through this week. His father comes in accusing me of putting him in “jail” 9 times again. Shit not again. We aren’t going to go down this road again I think. I’m not taking the meds and I’m not doing counseling. Fine you aren’t living here.
Things get ugly after this. ....he blames me for being the “only one” that sees this behavior in him. Mind you he sits in the basement all day long and I’m the only one he has contact with. He’s so damn paranoid. If he’s trying to make a case for him not to take medication for his mental illness he’s failing terribly.

BACKGROUND: He’s been dx with bipolar disorder. Or as I like to think of it the autism of mental illness. (sorry I have a son with Asperger’s that we went back and forth with that dx for yrs explaining how different disorders all kind of have the general symptoms. ) Don’t get me wrong he gets manic.....his speech speeds up and can’t shut up. He’s on hyperdrive in only his thoughts …nothing else. Thankfully. The comments that he makes, I cringe as I can picture any of the shooters spewing that much hate and venom at people that you don’t know. I shutter just thinking about it. Luckily he has no access to guns or any firearms. (thank GOD!) But it makes me think its more than Bipolar. When there is a shooting he goes off more.

He definitely DOES need medication. I wish he didn’t, I wish it wasn’t an issue but he’s scary without it.

Anyway back in January when he spent 17 days the first time and 7 days the second they changed his dx from just bipolar to schizoaffective disorder. Personally....I think it fits more. He gets a shot for it. Of course he doesn’t want that either.

So he “ran away” for about a week and a half because he doesn’t want to take medication or do anything that involves that he might be mentally ill. The last visit to the pysch ward he showed up to counseling and was so bad they called security and had him sent directly there.

Here’s the symptoms as posted on Mayoclinic’s site:
Signs and symptoms of schizoaffective disorder may include, among others:

Delusions — having false, fixed beliefs (YES)
Hallucinations, such as hearing voices (no)
Major depressed mood episodes (YES,very much so!)
Possible periods of manic mood or a sudden increase in energy and behavioral displays that are out of character (YES!)
Impaired occupational and social functioning (Yes- he’s so dysfunctional with this)
Problems with cleanliness and physical appearance (yes and no)
Paranoid thoughts and ideas (YES!)

Seriously doesn’t hurt my feelings he leaves. With the kids and the new baby, I’m pissed. why am I with him. Reality is that he can’t live anywhere on his own. Especially unmedicated. He can’t manage money, or anything else. I’ve begged and pleaded that they do more (ACT team, special housing, etc… ) they tell me there are waiting lists for everything. Also he’s are in charge of their body and he don’t have to receive treatment and doesn’t have to sign a HIPAA. Sorry, he’s living in MY house and is acting like that with kids (although he is great with them, its adults he can’t get along with) I can not Tolerate that behavior. As with the last shooting and them questioning the wife.... it even more opens me up to liability with him. You tell me with all these RULES for mental illness and no services available that I’m also reliable for what he does. He says a lot of stuff and tells me a lot of his “plans”, I get there’s nothing the police can do that includes sending him to the pysch ward. After all he didn’t DO anything.

Luckily there’s crisis services in this county and they will evaluate him and decide to put him in for a 72 hour hold. Let me tell you that he have never made it out in 72 hours (unless he was forced to go by the courts and it was so much after the fact and was back on his medication that he was fine).

SO back to today....
I can’t take anymore of him being afraid I’m going to throw him back in jail and that its all my fault speech again. He goes on and on and on and on....you get the point. Wish I only had to read on and on instead of listening to it. He’s obsessing and becoming paranoid again and he’s getting more angry everytime he tells me it. I can’t take it! Leave pack your things you are done! or I’m getting a restraining order. He gets more upset. you can’t do this to me. Watch me! You want to blame me, I’m tired of it you won’t change and I can’t change the past and right now is not looking good. You supposedly have a place to stay go there.

But father’s day, Jbears soccer game. he says.
Stop the fucking nonsense then.

I need to chill.... I hop in the car with babycakes. He pleads with me to take him to the area his place is. Okay so I let him in, we turn the corner and he starts in obsessing about how I threw him in again. Wrong thing. I screamed at him and he got out at the stop light. I went to a park and me and baby cakes sat under a tree.

He did apologize and states at this time he will take his meds and did call his counselor. (SIGH of relief). When he does this I know he’s still reasonable. When he gets unreasonable..watch out and believe he does and it IS time for him to go in.

I know he feels deaden inside when he takes them. I know, I have read stories on people with mental illness and the medication. But he can’t be off of them. He really is a nice guy when he’s not like this. Its a strained relationship at best and sometimes I feel trapped because of society and other limitations.

I get so pissed at the shootings and them wanting more gun control....... seriously let expand the services for people with mental illness so in situations like this were they really need to have more services they aren’t put on a waiting list. Where its not a stigma that you have a mental illness and are more willing to seek help. That’s half my battle with him. He thinks if he’s taking meds that everybody knows he’s mentally ill. UGH! He thinks now with Schizoaffective disorder it gives the cops the right to shoot him.