Sadz. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I just kind of woke up sad today. I got 8 hours of sleep last night, but when my alarm went off, ugh, I just wasn't in the mood. Though, part of why I made sure to go to bed early is because I drank so heavily last night. Do I drink because I'm sad, or am I sad because I drink? I've been getting better about being dry during the week. Perhaps some time to rest will do me good. A nap tomorrow, perhaps.

I felt significantly better after Elissa held me. I just need an indefinite amount of time to be held and feel safe and stuff. Shh, I snored a little. Then we switched and I held her, because that's what we do for each other and stuff. Something something, I hung out with her grandparents and her brother today. I always feel awkward, but she says I wasn't.

I don't know, there's really no reason to be sad. I feel like I've handled stress better in the past. I just. Want to disappear. Feeling unloved, or not loveable, all that icky stuff. When I'm in a good mood, it's so easy to treat myself and be content. To say nice things and build on progress. And when I'm not in a good mood, very little appeals to me. It's frustrating because I want nothing more than to escape and I feel like I can't.

I sometimes wonder how I'll ever be happy if this is the rest of my life. Recall what crossed my mind when I was immensely sad in September, "It's not that I want to die, it's that I don't want to live."