Regrets in Current Events

Last night I dreamt about something that is still eating away at my soul and I woke up so flustered. “The first thing we need to fix is your expectations. You’ll never get rid of your acne scars. You’re always going to have your acne scars because an acne scar is still a scar and that’s what scars do. They stay.” Then that woman explained to me how treatments only help with the appearance of the scars and that I can’t have the best treatments because I’m biracial and I can end up with the wrong pigmentation. The treatment that I went in to talk to them about requires $2000 fillers that I would need to be topped up every 18 months.
I have never had my confidence so shook before in my life. I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in months yesterday. I was battling cystic acne just 3 years ago before I went vegan. Compared to that my skin looks phenomenal. Even the scarring has improved from the pixel treatments that I was getting. I was feeling confident for a moment until I started comparing myself to the people on TV and on social media. All of whom have perfect skin. It’s like, I am fully aware that it is all fake. Even my own damn seflies were shopped as fuck.
Then I made the mistake of looking at my body in the mirror too. Somebody pointed out that I have been looking very slim lately. They asked if I was on a diet and I was like “No, plot twist! I am on depression.” I hadn’t done any form of exercise while my brother in law was home for his 3 weeks of holidays. Yesterday I did a full body workout and I decided to look at myself in the mirror, naked. I look great compared to what I looked like years ago when I wasn’t doing anything. I should be confident about that but my negative thinking habits ruined that for me too.
What that woman at the clinic said about my skin is true and what she said about my expectations is something that I am going to take to heart, as sound advice. In my twenties, I applied for a modelling agency and they got excited about my look because of the demand for first nations people in the entertainment industry. They wanted me to take their acting classes and they offered to pay for half of them. They made it clear that their offer was not something they usuall give anybody. A girl I went to highschool with is still signed up with that agency. She lives in L.A and her life is amazing. That could have been me but I got insecure about my skin and never went back. That is one regret that I will have to live with because I am still at my shitty dead end job. I can’t even believe that ten years has gone by since then. I wish I learned that I needed to take care of my mind and body back then. I wish somebody had told me that veganism would have fixed EVERYTHING wrong with my body when I was young and impressionable. I would be sitting here with perfect skin right now. But there are no do overs in life so I just need to fix my expectations and learn how to let go of my ego and my vanity because too much of my worth comes from my appearance. I don’t know why this issue holds me back so much. I keep saying this but I just want my therapy sessions to start already. I want to start moving forward in my life.

This is my first headshot. I don’t even feel like I am looking at myself because I am not even the same person. Even though I am still in the same place? I don’t know what I am saying anymore.