Good sex, keep him. in Glowing world

Kenny and I had amazing sex yesterday, thank god. Really lovely. I actually didn’t come, but I came three times with him like a week ago with his help, and it was just really nice to see him so happy.

Looks like I’m legit moving in in like 9 days, which is terrifying. I’m keeping my own place for a lil bit.

I’ve started looking for jobs in a real way. I applied for 5 on Friday. Something will turn up.

Did I mention that I’ve decided to lose 30 pounds this year? That will put me right in the healthy range. Right in the middle. I’m going to eat healthier, have less candy and bullshit, and keep running.

I never thought I’d like running, but it’s kind of a fucking godsend. It’s free, and I actually look forward to it now. I never feel so certain about the world as when I’m sprinting full-out. Suddenly I’m powerful, unstoppable, strong. Even if it’s just 15 seconds. Runkeeper says I’ve done 87 miles on purpose on foot since September 14th. That was two days before I started my meds. I’d started going on walks a little before that, and downloaded the app like a week or two later. It’s kinda nice to know that I made that decision before the meds.

I smoked the Candyland strain of pot last night, and I remembered why I don’t do that one anymore. Kenny loves it, but Sativa always makes me scared. My brain just decides to remind me of all my worst fears and it sucks. Pineapple Afghani or Blackberry Kush only, from now on. Cuz I don’t need drugs making me sad.

I don’t even do it that often. Just like couple times a month, if that. Indica is just a nice way to spend an evening now and then.

I talked to Erica for 4 hours yesterday. I love that bitch. She just got a Tesla, lol. She feels guilty about spending her money that way, but she earned it and I’m happy for her. Sometimes she works for over 24 hours straight as a nurse. Bleh. No thanks. Sometimes I’m sorta smugly happy that even with all that money she isn’t happy. Her asshole husband isn’t worth it. She hates her job, she’s depressed all the time, and she’s so stressed out her body is physically making her sick. Ok, I’m not happy about that. But I feel like I’m happier where I’m at than she is where she’s at. That reminds me, I should let the cat in so we can snuggle.

He was happy to be let inside. It’s raining. He’ll probably come sit on my lap when he’s done eating.

Kenny’s been cleaning the litter box every day. Sweet. I asked him recently when how often we wanted to clean it, so we could trade off. He said he just takes it out whenever there’s something there. It’s in the bathroom, and easy to see. If we stay here, we might put in a kitty door so Hobbes can have the litter box in the laundry room.

I told Kenny that I was curious how Hobbes would react to a new kitten, if we got one. He said, “Well, we’ll find out.” Meaning he’s cool with me getting a cat, even if Hobbes is a brat about it. I love it.

Brent says he and Sen decided they are better as friends, and decided to “close that door.” Again. I love that hot mess. Hot hot hot mess.

I’m enjoying being friends with him, though. Ever since he said the words, “And it’s possible that we might never have sex again,” I took that as, “Yeah, we’re probably never having sex again.” And that’s ok. Cuz my relationship is about a lot more than sex. And honestly the sex wasn’t even that good. I just like being so close to him. Whether that’s cuddles or hugs or just talking about anything and everything. I just love him, and I always will. Just one of those friends I’m going to keep around.

I like it that I just collect people. Sometimes we lose touch for a bit, but generally the people that I love stay in some capacity in my life. I just try to treat people well. That’s kinda the big secret. Just a… just play nice?

I used to think that Brent and I were sorta destined for each other because we’re so similar. But I think that’s why we’re destined to be friends. We have SO much in common, and it’s nice to be in relationships with people that balance us out. Someone calm and sensible.

Kenny dreamt last night that his mother was alive again, and he was trying to kill her, by drowning. He woke up sad. Then he bought Sage, so we could burn it and cleanse the house. I’m glad. I think his subconscious is just scared because we’re getting closer, and he agreed that that might be the case. Maybe the ritual will help him move on a bit. Our next individual counseling sessions are this upcoming Tuesday.

What do I want to talk about in mine? I guess I should think about that. I could tell her that yes, the fear of a repeat situation of Ian is coming up for me. I don’t want to move out of someone’s house because we are separating again. I hated that. It made me feel like an unlovable failure. I guess the way to get through it is to do it anyway? I already made a deal with myself that if we’re not living together by June 6th, we’re breaking up. I’d rather move in together than break up. And it doesn’t make any actual sense to break up because I’m afraid of breaking up. I guess people do that all the time. I guess the rationale is that it’s easier to break up before things get more intertwined.

What would I tell Brent in this situation? Try to just enjoy the moment. Don’t focus on the terrible pretend future that you’re imagining and feeling bad about in advance. Don’t focus on the terrible past and feel bad about it again. Focus on the fact that there’s a man (Brent’s suddenly gay now. Deal with it, Brent! I know you love that man-dick.) in front of you who loves you, adores you, and wants to be with you. He’s perfect for you because you’re a good team, you like the same things, and he loves making you happy and he’s good at it. Keep him!