A Bit of Fluff in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Saw this on Abstract Sunflower’s page (ala Front Page) and decided to do a version of my own. Not to say “fill out the survey for myself” but “fundamentally alter elements of the survey”. Partially because… in whatever ways I can, I want this to be a NEW year. New Year 2012 was filled with hope and promise and nerves about Law School. New Year 2013 was filled with anger and resentment that my Wife had gone completely celibate and hated her life more and more with each passing breath due to Wal Mart. New Year 2014 was filled with anger, resentment, anxiety, and fear as I was finishing law school, preparing for the Bar Exam all on top of my Wife’s continuing celibacy and hatred for her life more and more with each passing breath due to Wal Mart. New Year 2015 was much the same as I had to take the bar a second time, but at least my wife had finally broken her 3 year embargo on sex! New Year 2016 was filled with dread and anxiety. I had graduated from law school, I had passed the bar, but I couldn’t find a job and Wife hated herself more and more. New Year 2017 was filled with dread and depression. I had found a job doing the kind of work I wanted in one of the absolute worst places to do it and Wife was desperate to leave back to a place that was at least struggling to stay alive. New Year 2018 was filled with toxicity, dread, depression, self hate, and misery. I had returned to Des Moines to work for toxic, crazy ass people and Wife was less understanding and more bitter about her life than ever before.

New Year 2019: The job crap is sorted. The location crap is sorted. There is a chance at actually building a life here. The trick will be to see if Wife can be a part of that or not. I’m hopeful, because I want to be. I’m hopeful because after everything we’ve been through… it is well past time to stand and say, “We’ve earned this. We’ve earned a little spot of joy.” So… that is how I’m hoping this will be a NEW Year.

PAST is PRESENT

Post a picture of yourself from your past where you think you look good

Where were you to start 2018?
I was in Des Moines, hating my job and not seeing a fair balance to “Being close to family and friends; Wife hates her life, I hate my life.”

Who were you with?
If I was with anyone it was Wife. I’ve not even been invited to a New Year’s party since Law School.

Last Year’s Good and Bad

Was 2018 a good year for you; or a bad one?
Frankly, all things considered… it was the true definition of middling. Spent more time with friends, hated the job I had. Quit that job and spent time working out. GOT a job and spent less time working out. Marriage went from rocky to shitty to non-existent to… whatever you’d call now.

What was your favorite moment of the year?
Strange that it came so late, but December 30th. That was truly an almost perfect day.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?
When I just couldn’t stand Wife’s cold, detached, shutdown and withdrawal… wound up drinking too much, and made all of my friends feel awkward by how angry at her I was.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Either getting this job or buying a house. I haven’t won any massive court battles yet… and of course, my inexperience and impostor syndrome make me think I never will… but that is for another time.

What was your biggest failure?
Gosh, three-way tie there.
(1) Not leaving The Firm sooner for my own bloody health
(2) Allowing myself to go 4 months almost entirely sedentary outside of work
(3) Not getting my marriage properly sorted

What was your proudest moment of 2018?
I’d have to say the whole thing about getting a job or buying a house again. Maybe I’m an old school masculine minded bloke, but biggest achievement and proudest moment do sound redundant.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2018?
Again, I’d have to reflect on my least favorite moment. It would seem almost obvious that my least favorite moment would be my most embarrassing.

What did you want and get?
Job and House

What did you want and not get?
Healthy Marriage, Healthy Body

Whose behavior did you applaud?
My old Law School Partner. After a life lived in Omaha, he took a big risk that paid off and now he’s living in Washington DC.

Whose behavior made you appalled?
Call me a broken record but every United States Citizen that declared Trump to be a savior or Messiah for the United States. Guess what kiddies… no matter your political affiliations, an immature buffoon distancing us from our allies, declaring American People and Institutions “the enemy,” and giving an international shrug of his shoulders to our greatest actual enemies is not a partisan issue; but one of patriotism. If you support Trump despite his attacks on Democracy; you’re a Nationalist… and the nation you swear allegiance to is Trump.

What do you wish you’d done more of in 2018?
Spent time with family and friends, had sex, or experienced the world of physical pleasure more often and more thoroughly

What do you wish you’d done less of in 2018?
Drink, eat poorly, be in physical pain, agonize over the same thoughts

Financial

How much money did you spend in 2018?
A lot. Especially depending on how you count Mortgage. If it only counts when you make the payment… than less.

Where did most of your money go?
Food, Housing, Fuel to and from Work

What was the best thing you bought?
House

People

Did you make any new friends in 2018?
I did actually. It was nice!

Who are your favorite new friends?
Honestly? My favorite new friend already turned tail and disappeared. How shitty is that?

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yeah! Like 4 different brand new mommies!

Did anyone close to you die in 2018?
Surprisingly, no

Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Of course. I miss some people literally every day so yeah.

Which Prosebox User did you meet up with?
I still haven’t. This is a shame but comes from my fundamental lack of traveling.

Compared to This Time Last Year Are You:

Happier or sadder?
Despite everything, I am happier. My marriage hasn’t changed much, but my job and circumstances sure have

Thinner or fatter?
Fatter

Richer or poorer?
We have debt for the first time in our lives, so… shrug?

End of Year

Post a photo of yourself that is recent

Where were you when 2018 ended?
Basement of my house

Who were you with?
Actually, I was alone

Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions for 2018?
I do not think I can say I did any of them well.

Looking Forward

Do you have any New Year’s resolutions for 2019?
Of course, but to recap:
Healthier Me, or bust
Healthier Marriage, or divorce
More finished house, or bust
Get better at my job (please).

What would you like in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?
Energy, Healthy Body, Healthy Marriage… or if the last can’t be achieved, a healthy relationship

What are your plans for 2019?
Working out, finishing the house, trying to do my job well… fingers crossed that the marriage counselor can help us out.