emotionally damaged/drained (long) in Second 1st

Friday Rocky said his interview went well. They haven’t called for a second one and told him there were 2 more applicants they had to interview before making a choice for the job. I don’t think he interviewed well lol.

I had to call out yesterday. The morning was horrible, but thank God I did and thank God it got better because.....

Just after 3 Joseph called me and told me Kerri was depressed and alone. Kerri’s a cutter guys.... she has some pretty deep scares and Joseph has had some pretty scary moments with her. So I grabbed my keys and left before I was even off the phone with them.... yeah them at some point he decided it needed to be a conference call. There were a couple points that Kerri didn’t respond and one time when she yelled “Why do you do this to me” when asked what he had done she said “send some one here to babysit” I responded with “Not TO but For. To implies a punishment or something you don’t want but he does it FOR you because he wants you to be safe from everything including yourself.”

When I got there she was ready to leave to hang out at my house. Not what I expected but it didn’t matter really. She was also drunk. Between one and the other that’s how she deals with it. Deals with what? Well, from what she’s told me her father repeatedly raped her and her first boyfriend got her to speak up about it. He was put away for it. She blames herself. She thinks “He was always a good dad” because he did things for her and with her that dads should do.... and it’s her fault that he had sex with her. So she punishes herself for being the way she is.

She has been doing well this past.... 6 months or so … but her dad came up for parole about 2 weeks ago. She did not go to the hearing. She says she’s forgiven him and thinks she could have gotten him out had she been there so now she’s in a position of hard blame again. i let her talk all she wanted and tried to lead her out the best I could. I tried to tell her how if she had gone to the hearing they would not have let her speak. That the reasons he’s still there would have to do more with his behavior over the last 3 years than the action that caused him to go in.

She told me he had gotten beat up at Christmas. I laughed a little and said honestly I’m surprised he hadn’t been before that. “After the hearing they all knew why he was in there to begin with. Some of those guys in jail have kids too hun and even though they may not align with good or bad ways tolerance for raping a loved one like that isn’t really that high.” She doesn’t get that at some point her dad made a choice and kept making it. She has even gone so far as to say he was possessed. To which I tell her that if that were the case at some point he let that in or didn’t guard himself against it.... or even fight it. Those are all choices. So now he pays the cost. She still maintains that it’s her fault. FINE it’s not like an argument you can’t “win” this. It’s a firm belief that she’s just going to hold on to that I’m going to rebuke every time it comes up.

She got more drunk. She got violent. Joseph came to get her and we finally got her close to the truck to go home. Then the violence. She was angry and wanted to fight and she couldn’t say why. She didn’t know. So, let’s scrap. Joseph does it all the time and so will I. She kept saying I don’t want to fight you and I kept saying bring it on. She was so drunk I was holding her up by the front of her shirt and I let her hit me. She’s a weak little thing. If I would have fought back she would have had to go to the hospital and I just wanted her to get out that anger she’s holding. She needs to learn to deal with it cause it’s killing her, literally.

I held the front of her shirt and she swung. She got one in and I said “I still love you” and she hit me again and I said “still love you” I did this as long as she wanted. She got me a real good one just in front of my left temple, at the end of my cheekbone that should bruise. It hurt enough that when she did it I hit back. Joseph was right behind her to pick her up. I apologized and told her to hit me again. When she was done she cried.... then blamed herself for doing it. Talked her through that.... I asked for it. I even yelled at her a couple times. Asking her what she was punching .... she couldn’t answer. She’s having so much trouble letting it out.... this is how she does. She gets drunk, then violent, then sad and passes out crying. She got angry at Joseph after that and hit him once then I said “wait, what did he do?” Then she suddenly didn’t hate him and was sorry. I started asking what about him makes her angry is it authority? (he’s much taller and bigger than her) She almost immediately started balling. Out right rivers from her eyes.

She didn’t want to ride home with Joseph so I drove her back. I wasn’t wearing my glasses and took a wrong turn got a tad lost. I asked her to text him and let him know so he didn’t worry. She said she didn’t care if he worried. I explained that she should he cares for her more than anything. We had a back and forth about that for a moment then we both tried to call him. He didn’t answer.

She decided we should go see Rocky at work before we went to her house (it’s on the way).... and even though I tried hard to convince her we couldn’t, we did. It was all hugs and cuddles she just wanted to touch on him.... rolls eyes .... and it wasn’t too long till we were on our way.

Between the gas station and her house she told me she was going to cut her thigh tonight. I told her nope she was going to take 2 more shots when she got home and cuddle with Joseph. BTW if I have failed to mention she’s in a polyamorous relationship and currently has 3 boyfriends who all live with her. They were all outside when we arrived and made their way to the passenger side of the car to help her out. The window was open and we talked a moment longer. She said to pull out of the drive as soon as she got out and I said “nope, have to make sure you make it to the door.” She got angry again and I cut it off by saying ” I know you want me to leave so I don’t tell them you want to cut but they know. They all know that’s why they called to begin with it’s no secret. They will be watching extra hard I don’t need to tell them that.” Her anger fizzled. She got out… yelling “Fuck You.” at Joseph..... I got out to find out why.

When she came over last night her phone wasn’t working right. She could not receive calls. She could text and call out but she wasn’t getting anything. I spent some time on it. We had a failed first call to a CS rep who had no clue. After Joseph got here I tried again and managed to get it working. When I called her phone with his I saw that (like her phone) the battery was at like 5%. When he had left (her in my car) he called me to tell me not to forget his phone. .... I think his phone went dead after that. i explained this to her. In this way I was choosing sides?.... I said “NO, I’m explaining a way that he didn’t get the messages because he sure looked confused when I had said we called, after you yelled at him. I want you to know he didn’t do it because he didn’t want to talk. He did it because he didn’t have control over it.” Joseph pulled his phone out and it was dead. it had turned itself off it was so dead. ” I don’t want you to bottle this little bit of frustration and let it fester. I really thought he’d be worried about you and her they all are anxiously awaiting your return.” “He didn’t worry” he cut in with “she’s right, I didn’t, she was with you and I figured she wanted to go by and say hi to Rocky.” I looked at her and I said “cause he cares enough to know you and know what you will probably do.” She stormed off and I yelled after her to have a good night and get some rest. Joseph chased after her.

Blaine and Todd stood and talked to me. I told them about the violent portion and the breakdown and repeated the part about her telling me she was going to cut tonight and to watch her closely. They agreed thanked me and gave me hugs. Todd was supposed to be with her but had managed to get some visitation with his children. Kids come first. Kerri and I talked about that earlier, it’s not that he wanted to leave her but there wasn’t a real choice.

i know she’s hurting but she’s got to let the past go. Live each day better than the last. Break and rebuild yourself if you don’t love yourself the way you are. I hate that that’s the case because even though these guys truly care for her she can’t love them. She can’t love herself. She can’t understand love the way she should. Thanks to her dad. She needs help but she won’t seek or accept it.

Last updated January 07, 2019