Cumulative in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

I’ll write a better entry later but

It is currently around 3 a.m.
I couldn’t sleep.
Wife was out like a light as soon as she hit the bed… didn’t even take any clothes off.
For those who are on my FRIENDS LIST
You’ve now seen what I look like. Then and now.
You’ve now seen what Wife looks like then and more recently.
You’ve now seen what I was attracted to most in my lifetime.... that isn’t fair. That isn’t what I was most attracted to. What I was MOST attracted to… I literally couldn’t speak to. So you’ve seen the “attractive enough for me to go wild over; not so attractive that I couldn’t speak to”.

In short… you’ve seen me. You’ve seen my wife. You’ve seen (for the most part) the women I wanted to make a part of my life romantically and sexually.

And yet… I find myself in a relationship with a beautiful woman… that understands me in some seriously important ways… that doesn’t make me feel wanted. That re-enforces my own appearance insecurities.

So… it is late at night. I’m drinking. I’m watching pron. Because what I most want in this world? Is a woman who wants to ride me. A woman who wants me to kiss her. A woman who would look at me with love and passion.

That is why 2019 MUST without exception be a year of decision. I don’t expect my Wife to become a sex kitten mewling at my every whim. But it, likewise, isn’t fair for her to suggest that she’ll only engage me physically if I “maintain a slim figure and a built frame.”

And this creates significant inner tension. My Wife provides me with many excellent, amazing, wonderful things. Considering my upbringing… I feel like absolute SHIT that I’m so hung up on the fact that my wife has no physical interest in me. But, truly, I’ve been writing since 2014 because my Wife has absolutely ZERO physical interest in me.

What’s wrong with wanting a wife to want me?
What’s wrong with wanting a wife who might consider trying to seduce me?
What’s wrong with wanting a wife who might want sex more than once a year?

I know I could seek a divorce. After this many years, you’re all RIGHT to think “She’s never going to change.” But… it is such a complicated matter.

I love my wife.
I adore my wife.
In so many ways, she is EVERYTHING I’ve ever wanted in my life.
And yet…
No kissing.
No blow jobs.
No sexual interaction.

It constantly feels like such a superficial complaint.

But genuinely… I want to be involved with someone who WANTS me to orgasm… who WANTS me to bring her to orgasm… who considers sexual interaction to be something more than an “inconvenience.”

I am Jack’s Broken Record.