Al-anon feeling sorting in Glowing world

I’m here because I feel worried. I felt helpless. Annoyed. Frustrated. Angry. Jealous. Resentful. Guilty. Panicked. I hoped that this group would help me fix my brother. That it would help me influence my parents, because that’s what I’m used to doing. I try to please them, sway them, convince them with all of these deeds and accomplishments that I’m good enough to be loved. I feel like I have to continually prove it, like renewing a library book or car registration. Regular installments of worthiness.

Instead, it turns out this group is literally for me. I’m not used to things being for me. I assumed that since my brother is clearly the one with the problem, that my feelings didn’t matter. What mattered was getting him better. What’s a little stress, worry, or panic on my end when it’s compared to my brother’s life being on the line? Turns out my life matters too. I don’t have to compare how I feel to how he feels. I don’t have to fix him, because I can’t. You can lead a horse to water, but I can’t make my brother stop drinking.

Arguably my coping mechanisms are also ways of proving that I’m significant. I’ve started running. But even if my motives for running are to prove that I can be super healthy and strong and therefore lovable, at least my body is getting healthier and stronger? And, the running and the sweating keep me from worrying so much.

Last updated January 03, 2019