well fuk. in 2018

omygod. so 20 mins. ago er 40 now scuse me. i had. a panic attack that lasted 20 mins. awesome. god that was. terrifying. i just. the fear and the crying and the depth and the. everything. yeah no.
um. the one thing. i would’ve really wanted. were her circus books well actually my great uncle’s. circus books which she had. and i wrote a letter to her back in sept. asking for them. as he apparently loved the circus. yeah so do i the old fashioned kind. and now. ........i, might not i don’t know that i’ll ever get them.
yeah bc she’s not here to send them and she never will be and. ok.
btw for those wondering who i’m talking about. my great aunt. Pat Jones. yes married to edward d. jones. yes that edward d. jones the financial guy. the investment co. guy. there’s a reason i don’t mention him/them a lot. they. lived in missouri he passed back in 1990. anyway............like i kindof don’t want to lose hope but i. that’s probably the reality of it. the loss of the circus books. and of other things.
and, really. it’s not the books themselves it’s what they represent. ya know? [or maybe you don’t cause i haven’t explained this well. or at all actually.]. um. ..........i’m a little tired hopefully i’ll explain this better later. cause this isn’t making a whole lot of sense. sorry.