Old Habits Die Hard in Current Events

Do you ever start your day off on a bad note and then spend the rest of the day just looking for reasons to be upset? Choices. I’ve been in my head way too much this week. Mostly about work. I suppose that I am feeling a little vulnerable after everything that went down with the Operations Manager and his little affair that I reported. He is, of course, still with the company and is just banned from the one location. He is still in charge of my boss and influences most of his decisions. One of those decisions being my salary and any near future advancement opportunities. I am supposed to be up for a promotion or a salary increase by now. My growth within the store and the store’s success is measurable and everybody can see that I’ve grown the business exponentially… yet after all that I’ve received nothing from him. My success got him a new store and he is taking half of my management team. He has been babysitting the store that the operations manager was banned from and he is also getting the new store ready so I only seem him 20 minutes a week. Then the only feedback I hear about my performance is him nitpicking to my employees about the littlest things that I do differently. Things like celebrating wins and success instead of making everybody feel small for not being perfect.
While I was on my last week of holidays I wanted to focus on looking for new employment. I did not have the energy for anything. I was still getting up with my niece and taking her to daycare. I do not get breaks from that. All my problems stem from me not getting enough sleep. I’m too tired to cope with anything and I have no energy to do anything. It’s awful. Those are some poor choices right there. I need to adjust my sleep schedule so that I can get my shit together.
I don’t have any friends. In 2012 my New Year’s resolution was to make more friends. I have far fewer friends now in 2018. Mel was half of the people that I actually went out and did things with. She drove me nuts though. I now refuse to associate myself with her after she refused to let me talk about what happened with my Operations Manager. “I need to focus on me right now and my self-care.” She got me involved because she knew I would put my neck on the line for everybody. The instant something is no longer about her it is immediately an issue that she can’t cope with. She’s a me-monster. I lowkey found her pathetic and I just felt sorry for her. She’s bad at making choices. She’s a victim in every situation and in every relationship that she has with people. She’s a bad employee, bad girlfriend, bad daughter, bad sister, a bad friend and a bad person. She has way too many needs to be happy and content with anything or anyone. The thought of her makes me angry but I still feel bad because I know that it hurt her feelings the way I just stepped out of her life without saying goodbye or explaining myself. I honestly do not know what I will say when we eventually cross paths. I know myself, I will say something mean and nasty that will break her fragile little heart and ego. Like actually, I would crush her soul and self-esteem for sport because, deep down, that is what I want to do. She pissed me off and I lost all respect for her. In all honesty, though, I would compose myself and save face so that everybody could leave that situation with some dignity. I would regret doing anything else. Especially because blowing up at her would only add fuel to the self-pity that she loves so much. She would cleave to my hateful, hurtful (truthful) words and use them to attract more attention. Being a victim is the only thing she is actually good at. ugh, fuck this bitch ass cunt. I hope her vagina falls off from open sores.
I just want that therapy centre to call me already and let me know that they have a therapist accepting patients. I also hope that the therapist is not a heterosexual white male. There will be way too many awkward moments for both of us if they are. I just need help to process some of the things going on with me.
Man, now I’ve done it. I’ve gotten myself in a crabby mood. I’m just going to finish my wine, skip dinner so that I will feel hungry instead of anxiety and I’m going to watch a movie until it is time for bed. Which is when I will watch porn until my eyes bleed and short myself 4-5 hours of sleep that I will whine about needing in my next entry. Maybe I haven’t changed at all in the last few years? lol fuck man I know that I have. I’m not having a bad week. I’m having a bad me. Choices. Choices. Choices. That’s going to be my mantra for 2019. I have a choice in every situation. Clearly today I have chosen to let myself be bothered. Tomorrow I will choose to go to work, I will choose to avoid my friends and pretend like they don’t exist. I will choose to be upset about everything but I will choose to act like everything is peachy keen bro. I will choose to avoid thinking about doing all the things that I want and need to do that would advance me in my life. I will choose to be a victim, like Mel. The things we hate other is the things we hate about ourselves right? Ugh. I’m actual garbage. The last time I had a fallout with a friend around the holidays they died. They died just when I was trying to make amends. Maybe I should just be the dead one this time? I’m actually wasteful. lol here I go trying to get attention. I’m going to take a break from writing in this blog. This is exactly the behaviour that made me quit social media. I’m embarrassing really.