Nothing really... in Ultimate Randomness

Honestly, on nights like tonight, I just wish my time would catch up with me. I want to be dead. I don't dread it. I don't fear it. I fear going to sleep and waking up again. I fear tomorrow. Because I have no control over any of it anymore. Everything just keeps going more and more to hell and I am so tired of having to wake up and deal with it every day. And it's not that I am alone. I have alot of people who care about me and want me to be happy. My ex included. She probably wants me to be happy more than anyone. I have all of these people behind me, but it doesn't seem to matter. It is like I am in the nega-zone. It is kinda like an athlete being in the zone, where everything fades out and they are focused in on the one thing they need to do, but instead of being focused on victory, I have all of these people cheering for me and pushing me and everything, and I have just tuned it all out. I feel completely alone in the crowd. And I am so tired of fighting every single day. What am I even fighting for anyway? Graduating from school to do a job where I will be unappreciated from every side every single day? Maybe find someone else who shows any interest in me whatsoever when I have managed to find three people like that in nearly 32 years? None of which has stayed interested or had their own reasons for finding me. My house which isn't really even my home anymore? Yeah, I live here, but day by day, it is less and less my home. I feel tension and anger and dread thinking about coming back to it. I went out to lunch with the ex today and even told her that I only see two ways out of how I feel: disappear or die. I don't see a third option. I will never fix my life. I will not find someone that I make happy or who has any interest in making me happy in return. I am probably not going to make it through school at the rate I am going. I have little to nothing to hope for because I have no ability to even fake belief in myself. Honestly, I wish I had done what I planned to do when I first went away to college 14 years ago and killed myself. I have made no improvements to my life since then. All I have done is accumulate more people to worry about me and who would be sad if I died, and what good does that do? I should have just carried out my plans and ended it then. Hell, I want to now, but I am too much of a pussy to go through with it and I can't figure out why. It's not some lingering hope that everything will turn out ok. I don't even see a future past the next couple of hours. And yet, I have to wake up every day pretending like I give a damn about anything anymore just so those people don't worry about me. I was a shit husband, a shit son, and a shit brother on top of being a shit student and a shit worker. I have completely and utterly failed and I just pray that whatever god there is will show some mercy and take me in my sleep. I am just so tired of fighting. I just want it to be over. I just wish I was that lucky, but something must enjoy reveling in my misery, cause I'm still here. Fuck my life and take it from me cause I am tired of living it. It makes me believe in reincarnation because I had to have been a complete asshole in a previous life to deserve this one. Just let it end, please...