No Pride. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.
- Feb. 13, 2014, 1:43 a.m.
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- Public
I wonder if it's because of my desire to be "that person" for people. Or maybe feeling like I'm such an undesirable person to begin with that if I have any flaws, any mistakes, anything someone has to "put up with", then nobody will want to be around me. This is why I let people shit on me.
Ah, but as a reflex, I'm rude, crude, obnoxious, offensive, socially uncultured. As if to filter out those that won't "put up" with me.
Yet I feel it still comes back to that. Thinking so little of myself that I'm someone to be tolerated. Never understood, never celebrated, just tolerated. I've met so many varied people who I thought, "Damn, this person is AWESOME." And beyond whatever "flaws" we might have as humans I still feel, "Damn, what an awesome human being and I'm glad to know him/her."
Is it any wonder I ended up what I was on OD? It's what I wanted, what I needed. To feel some iota of praise, even if it was shallow and hallow.
I was thinking today of when I started thinking less of myself. If anything, I had a passive feeling of being "better" than others when I was a teenager. But also a humility to pacify any sense of self-boasting. How does one have pride without... being one of those people we want to smack across the face?
The more my eyes are open, the more it hurts. The more it hurts to exist. I was far more okay when I wasn't self-aware. I spent all my energy avoiding stress, avoiding anxiety. It became an art. A childhood spent escaping into video games. Escaping is still a default, though I'm far wiser now. I'm only content now, only able to escape, when I've dealt with my stressors.
Perhaps this is why I enjoy napping so much. To put everything on hold and not deal with anything for a short time. Whereas sleep, well. That means dealing with tomorrow. And sometimes, I never want to deal with tomorrow.
Sigh. I just don't think all that much of myself, and it would be helpful if I had someone who saw just a little more in me than I do.
Meanwhile, in the very same headspace, I'm excited about this massive snowstorm we're getting tomorrow. I borrowed a garbage can lid from my dad (er, without permission, shh) so I can go sledding tomorrow. There's a steep hill near there that is BEGGING to get slid on during white-out conditions. I'm a big kid at heart. Huh, maybe that really explains everything.
AnOrangeZebra ⋅ February 12, 2014
That was exactly why I joined OD. I took comfort in that praise even if shallow and complete strangers. It meant that SOMEBODY was reading, somebody cared. Because the people in my life seemed to be burdened by me.
I feel like I keep saying this over and over with you, that you tend to steal the thoughts right out of my brain. I don't want to just be tolerated, but celebrated. And not to sound cocky or egotistical at the same time. It's always what I looked for in a partner, one who would take part in my passions, get as animated as me about certain things ect. But sadly, in reality every single human being has something others have to "put up with" but the beauty is that very same quality one person puts up with another celebrates. It's like a mosaic of traits some blend together and work and others might not.
I LOVE naps too. When I was depressed at least more so than now I used to sleep 12 or more hours on the weekends and in college id take 2 hour or more naps.
Halcyon ⋅ February 12, 2014
Video games both built and destroyed us. Escapism and fantasy ruined reality.
I think anything any of us wants is to be loved, accepted, and "put up with". God knows we all are messed up enough to have to be put up with.
I think that's sort of the beauty of it, though, when you find people who are okay with who you are. You don't have to worry any longer about trying to be something you aren't, or creating a mold to fit yourself into. It's like taking a breath for the first time.
I think because of the society we live in, it's really easy to lose sight of our positive qualities, and feel we aren't good enough, or living up to the standard that we should. I say fuck anyone who doesn't appreciate you for who you are, and anyone who doesn't like it can Deal With It™.
Timmy™ Halcyon ⋅ February 12, 2014
Even after all these years, I still worry I haven't found people okay with me as I am. For if I were to tell people to "Deal with it", I'd have nobody.
Deleted user ⋅ February 13, 2014
sigh. yeah. i just want one special person who thinks i'm special too. i do appreciate others, in ways they probably don't even suspect. i guess it may be true in reverse for us? nice thought :)