Lets Talk Domestic Abuse Assault in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

The truth of the matter is that Domestic Abuse happens in this world and that there are many different types of victims.
Some victims are mad and want to make damn sure that their abusers are brought to justice. It pains me how few of these women there are. There should be more.
Some victims are strong enough to leave but think that the Justice System won’t or can’t help them. Many of these women become homeless as they had to escape a situation with little or nothing to prop themselves up.
Some victims are strong enough to leave but terrified of what would happen if their abuser found them again. Some of these women work with law enforcement for their protection, some don’t.
Some victims are terrified of their abuser to the point of paralysis. They can’t leave, they can’t ask for help. I cry for these women and I pity them. Some of them will die from the abuse. Some of them, though they live, have already died inside from that abuse.
Some victims cry out for help, and help comes, and then they retract for a million reasons. These women frustrate me to no end. I understand the reasons they have for retracting their statements, sometimes even attacking US for coming to help them in the first place. I get it but it frustrates me. Because if it was bad enough to call the police for help… then it is bad enough to let me do my job.

We see it a million times a year. Hell, it was the story that started our Fall Conference. Man abuses woman to the point where she calls police to rescue her. Police show up and, per Iowa Law, take the man into custody. And within 48 hours, the woman is already begging us to drop the No Contact Order and dismiss all charges. Because while he was beating her, she needed help… but she doesn’t want him to be in trouble for it!

Here’s the thing though, friends. Read over what I just wrote.

Do you see that each statement STARTED as Gender Neutral “victims” but then turned to gendered “women/woman”? Did you catch that? Or did it just seem so natural, so commonplace, so expected?

That kind of thing makes a huge difference. Remember how for years I’ve been throwing in “Guys are victims, too” and how for years people were telling me that I was just trying to take focus from Women’s Issues? Well… allow me to share some real world consequences to that type of thinking.

I currently have three women charged with Domestic Assault against their Male romantic partners.

The first called us immediately after the arrest and said, “I don’t care what she pleads to. Please just keep the No Contact in place. If absolutely necessary, I guess, I suppose I can testify if that is the only way to keep the No Contact Order in place.” We see a reluctance to come forward, much as we do with many of our female victims, and a desire that above all… we protect him. All in all, a good situation.

The second called us seven times within 24 hours of the arrest. Each message was “It was a mistake to call the police. You’ve got to let her go. She shouldn’t be in jail. She didn’t do anything wrong. Please let her out. Please drop the No Contact Order.” The kid was looping. He was in a panic. After investigating the issue, I have come to the conclusion that one of three things is true (only one can be) either (1) The man is so terrified of this woman’s violence when she is enraged, that to have her removed by police was the same as inciting her to more violence later; or (2) when she was removed by police, the man realized that HE would be expected to take care of the child at home and he didn’t want anything to do with that; or (3) She could be reasonably stated to be “young and attractive” so there is always the chance that he thinks she’s such a catch that he doesn’t want to do anything to lose her… also known as the “But, Daddy, I love him” objection to prosecution.

Because of the phone call I had to do something that I try not to do in Female Victim cases. If there is a chance that this man is being systematically abused, I am required to do what I can to protect him. Even if he isn’t going to help me do that. So I offered a plea deal that says, “Prove to me you’re not a criminal and you’ll never be prosecuted.”

The third? The third called us and, when we said we had enough to prosecute without his cooperation, threatened us and the investigation. He told us he lied about everything, that he made it all up, that he gave himself the injuries, that if called to testify he would perjure himself, he encouraged us to arrest him for making a false report… it was the voice and speech of a desperate man. I did some digging. The man has no life left in his eyes. His abuser owns him, heart mind and soul. The 22 year old girl who called in begging us to release the boy that beat her, then punched an officer, and then got into a fight in the jail… she still had light in her eyes. This man… none. And here, in a moment where he had the strength to call 911 and get help… he buckled instantly.

Not because he loves her. Not even because he’s afraid of her, sadly. He doesn’t want this going to trial because he doesn’t want “the secret to get out.” A MAN shouldn’t be the victim of a pattern of repeat physical abuse. That’s not WHAT A MAN does. A MAN takes charge, takes OWNERSHIP of his women. Be a MAN not some little sissy pansy of a punk!

He’s willing to entirely sabotage his life (perjury, obstructing an investigation, interference with law enforcement, filing false charges) to prevent the community from discovering that he “isn’t a MAN”.

Well… I hate doing it… I despise doing it… but I revert back to some Old School Tricks for when women couldn’t divorce nor “bring charges against respectable men-folk.” I draft up a document (that hopefully the defendant will sign) that says “Nothing to see here, move along. But if I am convicted of violence or if I am charged with Domestic Abuse within the next 12 months… I’ll plead guilty to this, too.” In other words… my only recourse to try to protect this man (from violence AND from the community) is to tell his Abuser, “Lay low for a year and we’ll pretend nothing ever happened.” I really don’t like doing that as what is most likely to happen if there IS a history of repeated abuse? She’ll make sure he doesn’t call for help, even if he wants to.

So yeah. The more often we discuss Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence in gendered terms, the more it drives home to Male Victims that they don’t count and, worst of all, they aren’t MEN. I understand… women ARE the majority of victims and men ARE the majority of perpetrators. But if the way in which we discuss things contributes to victims not seeking justice… that feels like something we should address.