NJM 23 in NoJoMo 2018

3:36 pm

Did I mention that K at the Alpenhorn kind of took off? Kind of. Both of them were going to go on vacation, then those kids that were going to take care of the place skipped out on them (and left the apartment a mess). So A pretty much begged K to go on vacation without him, that “we’d” take care of the place, meaning A, um. Fuck I forget her name. I’ve met her like, twice. She’s working the kitchen. So A, the kitchen chick, and myself are going to take care of the place. ::shrugs:: That’s fine. If he needs me more hours, I’ll do it if I can squeeze it in. Easy job seeing that I have had the routine down for a year now. The only thing I won’t do is help serve dinners. I have little or no coordination (and it’s gotten worse the past week for some fucked up reason. Probably the med change). You don’t want to give me food to carry to a table. Not unless you want the patrons to be wearing it.

I can tell A is much more relaxed without K around. They just need to separate and be done with it. It is complicated with the business and all. I don’t think K wants to run it anymore, and A doesn’t mind for the most part. I think she should just let him buy her out, y’know?

I mean, K has a panic attack when there is a lot of reservations for dinner. It’s a pretty much set menu (3 and 4 course meals), unless they have to make a food restriction meal (the only place in town that does it) and She knows all of it by heart. I don’t even think she looks while measuring things.

But I get it. She’s burnt out. I react the same way when I’m burnt out on something. Anxiety just goes through the roof, my thoughts along the line of “I can’t do this anymore.” Yeah, I get it.

Because of her being gone, I’m going to work tomorrow instead of Sunday, or might work Sunday, too. A really needs to show me how to take bookings so I can answer the damn phone and take care of it. It can’t be rocket science. And how to check people in and out. I just don’t know when that will happen. It’s still busy. It might slow down until Zmas, but I don’t know. The Alp is a popular place. Hm. I should give him my schedule so he knows when I may be available to help out.

Anyhoo.

The weather is shit. Pouring down rain. running between the buildings at the Alp was sucky, and it started raining even harder when I got to Doc’s place. I unloaded all my crap onto her porch and went to open the door. Locked. I wasn’t about to slide down the hill to the grill to see if the garage opener was there (I figured she might have forgotten to tell me) so I loaded everything back up (just a hunch), lit a cig, and sent a text. “Are you guys away on holiday?”
She replied “We locked you out, didn’t we? ” insert eye roll imoji here. I replied “No worries, I’ll catch up with everything next week. Yeaah. I’m going to check my schedule to see if I have any extra time for her seeing that I was sick last week, and locked out this week. oooh I hope it isn’t too bad.

Ergh. Boring life I lead.

Prompt: Write about the hardest decision you have had to make.

I’ve been thinking about this one. There are a lot of decisions in my life I could qualify as hard. But the hardest decision is an ongoing issue.

I am suicidal. It doesn’t mean that I’m going to off myself today, tomorrow or ever. It’s the thought that is always there. It whispers in my ear sometimes when I’m driving “all you have to do is swerve into the other lane when that truck gets closer” . Other times when I get my meds refilled. “don’t take these so you can hoard your meds and take them all at once”

These thoughts get loud sometimes. Sometimes they scream. When they start screaming… that’s when the hardest decision I ever have to make come up. Do I live, or do I die? Do I listen to that part of me that is telling me to go out to the woods with my knife, pills, and whatever else that might do the job. Or do I beat that shit back with a stick and get on with my life.

No one knows how often these thoughts come at me. No one knows that I’m making that hard decision just about every day. And very few people know how hard it is to make the choice to live.

So, yeah. That’s my hardest decision.