how i'm doing. and emotional impact. in 2018

um i’m. i’m alrite. i’m agitated which apparently for women is a symptom of. er i mean side effect sorry. Rather is a side effect. of amoxicillin. also just it’s a lot. not the physical act of taking it exactly. but the appts. and last wk. and the news. and uh. the upcoming appts. yeah that’s a lot.
so. i don’t know. luckily i don’t have any appts. this wk. no my next 3 yes that’s right 3. are dec. 3rd.
the test results will be in fri. which i’m nervous about. actually i’ll be flying to london on fri. w/ my mom.
i’m just. i don’t know for some reason i’m frustrated tonight. i’m not quite sure why. cause i’ve been doing what i’m supposed to the past. well ever since fri. really. i was an adult today. tonight. i ate. i cleaned it all up. took my meds earlier. did my laundry.
so yeah. at 2:50 i took them. and then again at um 8. so a little closer together then usual but. well.

i have anxiety as i’ve mentioned. which is part of the reason i’m in this situation. i can’t have change. things have to be perfect. and i feel bad about that. the reason. i never bought q tips/tissues and put them in my area in the bathroom. is bc omygod the lady’s going to say something. and i’m not absolutely certain she’s not. [a reason i don’t brush. is cause it tickles and i hate being tickled. and tissues help stop. the tickling during that].
like it’s not my fault i have anxiety. although. actually last wk. i asked my mom for pocket tissues. so that i can do better. and then i can like have them in my pocket when i go to/from the bathroom.
i hate that i’ve done this to my mom. like anyone else i probably wouldn’t care, as much. but god...........my mom. and that’s the other reason i went to all those appts. last wk. is cause i can’t be that person. [not that that was really. er ‘acceptable’ when i was 27 either. cause it wasn’t.].
anxiety actually is kindof like an addiction. in that it not only controls me. it also indirectly controls those around me. even thinking about taking meds for it gives me. anxiety.
my mom. hasn’t really come down on me for this. despite the fact that bc of my anxiety. well as a result of that. we’re both in this situation. she doesn’t like it. it’s not thrilling news. but ya know. this is how both our lives have been. my sister was a drug addict in HS. then again maybe 3 yrs. ago. which she went to rehab for and that same month my dad was diagnosed w/ appendicitis. [oh he had an appendectomy btw. he’s better.]. you know and so on. it’s just well ya know we’re pretty used to it by now.
yeah I talked to a couple people about this. Ruby and my friend Mark. Ruby, is someone i know from HS. and she actually wasn’t all that helpful. so.......we’re not talking. she was like ‘can’t dwell on the past’ well yeah. but i don’t see how that’s supposed to help anyone. no ya know/ i want someone to be w/ me in the moment when i’m talking to them about something. i mean ok yes. sure people who say that aren’t wrong. but it’s not. really helpful. exactly.
so Mark. he was better about the whole thing. he actually ‘listened’ via fb pm to how i felt about it. he’s someone i’ve come to before.
i mean idinno it’s been hard. and i’m no stranger to that. that kindof life. but my point is. i think i’m more then a bit well ‘entitled’ to use my word. to be a bit on edge. other then once last wk. i haven’t been impolite or disrespectful. i’ve just been tired and maybe i’ve cried a bit. talked to a couple people like i mentioned.
people go in these kindof situations ‘lucky we caught it early’. well really? cause i sure as hell don’t feel lucky. but fact is. i am. and i might not feel, lucky for awhile. just like i didn’t when i got the concussion back in jan. it took me. untill the last month or so to start to feel that way about it. and feeling something. like emotionally [not the physical sensation of.]. is different from knowing it. but yes i am lucky in other ways.
well.

on a side note: one of the reasons i like photography. as in taking photos. is cause it’s easy for me. still taking photos. not more or less so then usual. for those who have my fb. except for maybe. 3 or 4. so a few. every other photo on my fb/in my albums is one i’ve taken.