"How do I live, without the ones I love?" in Random Public Stuffs

My uncle Matt died today. It’s currently 2330 hrs here. It’s a little past 12 hours since he was taken by a heart attack.

I had to steady myself. I sobbed a bit when I found out. He was my “favorite” uncle. I connected more with him than I did my other uncles. I love them all dearly. My uncle Matt took more of an interest in me than they did.

He was always my rock. He was one of very few people that I looked to, one of the very few people that was stronger than I am. He was very grounded, rational, ENDLESSLY patient with me. I know there were times I upset him, even pissed him off. He would tell me that, in the end, things would always work out. He told me I needed to learn patience, and if I did? There wasn’t anything I couldn’t accomplish. Well, within reason, of course. He supported me, he pushed me, he challenged me…

…most of all, he loved me absolutely.

When my Dad died, he came up to me and asked how I was doing. I held my head up, swallowing back the tears, fighting the lump in my throat. I kept screaming in my head that I had to be strong for my Mom, my siblings, and my kids.

He knew. I could never hide anything from my uncle. He just hugged me so tight and told me to cry. I fought at first. Then he hugged me even tighter and I BAWLED.

The last time I saw him, he made me laugh, we talked, and we told each other we love each other.

I am just too exhausted to be strong for my family again. I barely started grieving for my Dad, and now, people look to me again.

I want to just shed my tears and let go.

My culture teaches us that we don’t cry because our loved one died. We cry for ourselves, those of us left behind.

They are no longer tired, hungry, nor in pain. They get to rest.

I do cry because I will miss him. I do cry because now, I feel a little more lost. I do cry because like everyone else, I wanted a little more time.

But I am glad he won’t hurt or worry or be in pain anymore.

I am trying to heal myself.