well fuk. ug depression and queasy. dental thingy tooth problem. btfo. wish me luck. in 2018

um so i don’t feel good. but what’s new there right? yes. right. um no like i mentioned i got my flu shot yesterday. and apparently i’m one of those people who deeply feels the. side effects of injections. so i’ve been queasy from that since last night.
so tom. holy fuk. i’m nervous. like i said i have this tooth.........problem.........inf**tion. thing. which well there are several options for what they’ll do. oh right. cause i have an appt. w/ my period tom. so here are the options: 1. all they/he [sorry. ‘he’ being my perio. dr. nick] might have to do is drain it. honestly. and then it’ll be done. 2. i might get a deep clean. which honestly i’m not to worried about. also that’s been mentioned once before. 3. a grafting procedure. i had this back when i was 17 and it wasn’t a big thing. no that’s what i’m worried about. no it’s the after care. it’s the pills they might give me. taking meds at my parents’ ok. cause they don’t have to document it. but taking them at where i live. yeah um i don’t want to. cause the lady has to document that. and i do mean she ‘has to’ as in it’s a requirement. i think maybe. legally i do have the right to refuse taking them in front of her. no i’ll take them. just not physically in front of her. like fuk’s sake i’m a 31 yr. old woman. i think i know how to take meds responsibly. [it doesn’t mean i will. in fact no i probably won’t. but that’s probably why i’m not allowed pills. and even just for myself. i don’t trust myself enough to do that so. yeah besides the expense of it there’s a reason i don’t buy vitamins.]. she can’t make me. [no like she physically can’t make me. cause that’s wrong.].
and the 4th option well. i’m really not.........thinking too much about. it’s in my opinion the WCS Worst Case Scenario. and if it’s anything bigger, then the 3 other options. then i’d want to be heavily sedated. cause i don’t want to remember anything ya know? and in my notes which i’m going to give him/them tom. i’m going to say something about that. but like and i’ve probably mentioned this. i trust dr. nick. to know what he’s doing. i mean yeah it’s really his decision as to how sedated i’ll be. depending on what happens. they might have to requiuem something but i’m not really entirely. sure. [for those who’ve seen the movie. yall understand that ref. probably.].
i’m a little nervous about the anasteshia. for any type of procedure they pretty much have to put me under i think. as in they’re required to. well it’s more. the side effects of it like i said the queasiness. and the um. well i get cold when i’m put under.
um but see here’s the thing. i have depression. and lately. my depression’s gotten really bad. so.........honestly. i don’t really care what happens to me. and so right now. it feels like well 1 i’m falling. and 2. i’m being pressured into saving myself. like people [not directed towards anyone reading this btw] just back the hell off and leave me the fuk alone. i don’t want. to be saved. ok? so it doesn’t match. what i want. so it’s frustrating.
and i can’t not go. i mean i can’t do that to my mom..............sure things aren’t great between us atm but no. that’s not an option. and i can’t let it be. and then she’ll just have to make another appt. and then another and so on and.........well people see where this is going. and the then if i don’t go. then she’ll just owe them more money. also i genuinely like dr. nick. as a person.
or you know. none of the 4 options will happen. he’ll just have a look at things and be like ‘ok well just do better w/ brushing and flossing and stuff and we’ll see’ [which. ok yes overall i have been but i obviously haven’t been doing that great w/ it]. but honestly. i don’t think that option. will, happen. 1 - 3 of the options i’m a little more ok w/.
i’m not afraid of death. i’m not afraid of dying. sure it’s uncomfortable to talk about it in general. but when my time comes well. my time comes. ya know? i’m not like worried about it i’m not afraid. like oh ok. i’ve pretty much accepted it.
so. yeah guess we’ll see about this tom. but um. in the meantime. wish me luck everyone. thank you.