Desultory in Current Events

On Wednesday Leanne and I went to a musical together. Chicago. It was very well done. It was also my city’s first snowfall. It was a beautiful evening. I was so smitten by one of the guys on stage. He reminded me of Michael which made me feel like an ugly garbage person. Self esteem? I don’t know her! I too am sick of my whining. Her boyfriend made a sweetener with cannibis and she brought me some. Weed and I are not friends but now that it is legal in my country I have been thinking about using it to help reduce my anxiety. This edible should do what my anti anxiety medication did and just make me stoned and sleep like a baby. Right? I do not want to get high and Leanne assured me that this was not that kind of THC.
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I started a minoxidil journey to try and grow a beard. Hair loss has come for me so I’m also using it on my hairline. I’m wondering if I have an iron issue. I really do need to get a doctor. Mainstream only knows of one way to get nutrition and us vegans have to figure it all out on our own. I really should be getting bloodowork to monitor my levels. It’s not like it costs anything in my country.
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Yesterday I should have tried that edible, I wanted to see what the hype was with laying around doing nothing. It’s seems to be everybody’s goal to just do nothing. Relax. I stayed in my room and watched Netflix all day long. I was so sore after my workout from the day before. My reaction to seeing all those beautiful people on stage the other day was to workout for 3 hours. Exercise is not healthy when I’m obsessed with my image. I have an image in my head of what I am suppose to look like. This all started when I tried to get more in touch with my masculine side. It’s so toxic. When I eventually see a therapist we will determine that I have the same root issue as everybody else. Fear of abandonment. Rejection. Everything about me will stem from the fear of people not liking me or leaving me. Not feeling good enough to be welcome. Etc etc Cliche I know.
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I really should have planned out my staycation better. I hate feeling aimless. I challenged the food handlers exam on Tuesday. If I pass that one it will not be with flying colors. That center offered so much more classes that I can use to build a resume. I wanted to quit my dead end job of 12 years and try something new this year. Now I want this job on my application for when I start apartment hunting in April so I’ve been thinking about getting a seasonal part time job in retail. My boss will lose his shit if I tried to reduce my hours. He has not lived up to his end of the bargain when he asked me to transfer to his store. I have received nothing but this salary which feels like a prison. Except my paid 3 weeks worth of vacations is nice. I brought his store from a 40% to a 90% and he only sees that last 10%. His OCPD has him lowkey convinced that I’m running the store into the ground. Everybody else can see our growth as a business. “Omg your numbers” says every level of dignitary when they see us. I did that, I developed a good team and I empowered my management so that I can make sure that everybody gets job satisfaction when they leave. We all want to go home and feel satisfied that we did a good job. My boss has horrible interpersonal skills which is why he is always knee deep in staffing trouble. He is a changed man since his father passed away a month ago. He changed for the better and I’m very impressed with him. He has a new store opening in December near my place of residence and he won’t let me transfer. He wants me to work both stores to help train but again, I received nothing since I agreed to work for him. I have been going over his head and making him pay for all the courses that I want to take that will help me build a resume. That food handlers and that first-aid course were on the companies dime. I’m half entertaining the thought of registering for a course to learn how to bartend. I want to apply at our only local gay club or at a hotel so that I can work part time and have free access to their gyms and pools etc.
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If I want to be honest with myself here and be honest about my future I want to get a degree in nutrition. I want to be a YouTube influencer. I also want to be a writer, I have so many stories to tell. I have no confidence in myself when it comes to trying to write. I always feel stupid and I want to take some workshops or courses. I want to learn history, philosophy and art. My social anxiety held me back from finishing high school. I went back to get my diploma when I was 21. My attendance was horrible then too. The thought of walking through the halls of a college or university makes my heart drop into my stomach. Social anxiety rules my life again and I want to tackle it in therapy. I’m on a waiting list and should be starting that journey in January. My favorite month. It’s my birthday month and a new year and I always feel so ambitious and full of hope those first couple of months of the year. I always say that “this is going to be my year” and I always let myself down. Progress is so hard to measure because it happens so slowly. Fear has a tight grip on me lately and I need to let it go. I need to move my life forward.
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Whenever you let go of something scary you’re only scared because your mind can measure what you will loose. It can’ measure what you will gain. I heard that quote yesterday and I remembered learning what somebody else had said once. There are 3 types of pain that we fear. In this example I’ll pretend that I needed to go on a diet. My mind, maybe yours, would go something like this.
Loss pain: I will focus on all the things that I won’t get to eat anymore. The places that I can’t eat at anymore. I’ll loose out on so much tasty comfort foods.
Process pain: I will overwhelm myself with all the changes that I got to make. I have to find new recipes, meal prep, learn how to manage macros etc. I’ll have to find somewhere else to grab a snack, find something else to drink at the coffee shop.
Outcome pain: What if it dooesn’t work out? What if it is all for nothing? What if I lose friends? What if it is too expensive?
Our minds are lazy, it’s just going to want to do what it always does and negative thoughts like these are a habit. I truly believe that we can reprogram our thinking and habits. In the diet scenario I would have to remind myself of all the great foods that I am adding to my diet, all the new places and recipes that I get to try and change my what ifs to something positive. What if it all works out great? I can enjoy this new diet.
I’ve been into a lot of self help stuff this year and I really have been better at managing my thoughts. My mood disorders have improved but I have landed myself into an energy that I can seem to get out of. Emotions are temporary and I know that but then I get into a negative moment and I believe the lie that this bad mood is forever. I’m slipping into old habits.

Last updated November 10, 2018