Jumbled in 2018

I have several things I want to write about…grand ambitions and all…but my mind’s too jumbled to focus well right now. I can’t really seem to hold onto one train of thought. So we shall see what comes out.

There are plenty of things I wish I could be doing right now - hobbies, things for health, etc - but just don’t have the money. Hence the reason I’m putting a lot of pressure on school as it’ll lead to a good chance at a fairly significant income increase in the next 6 months to a year. Thankfully, school comes fairly easily to me when I’m interested and motivated; and I’m both with this particular course. It’s challenging, though, which is good for me. It keeps me engaged. Coming from a humanities background, doing so much biology is interesting for me. Anatomy and Physiology, Musculoskeletal Anatomy, Pathology. And yet I’m finding it very interesting.

I’ve no idea yet what route I’m going to go once I get my license, but there’s time to figure that out. Medical massage? Relaxation and anxiety? I have some things I’m interested in learning more about, but there is still a good bit of school left, too. And I still need plenty more practice along the way.

In the meantime, work… finances… therapy… Reading has helped. It keeps my mind active and focused, which helps with the depression and stress. Writing, too, though it’s been so sporadic. I’m under orders from my therapist to do more of that. And start incorporating yoga again, but this time at home in small amounts since I can’t afford classes right now. Thankfully, she’s also a licensed yoga instructor (and actually integrates it into her CBT background for some interesting effects.) Plus, yoga’s good for a range of people regardless of weight, fitness level, and body type. And it has a meditative aspect to it that I love. It and massage have, so far, been the best therapy tools I’ve found for dealing with the depression.

Also, with her help, I’ve come to realize that I’m dealing more with dysthymia (persistent depressive disorder) than the more recognized forms. That’s helped me understand a lot of my tendencies better, and hopefully help direct my therapy a bit more effectively.

Work is work. It’s pretty much on autopilot most of the time, which is actually somewhat surprising give the upheaval and chaos we’ve had there. Working retail on the edges of one of the countries busiest tourist zones has its challenges. But the issues have been mostly turnover, a poor applicant pool, and just the nature of working in a corporate environment. For me, it’s more about just not being invested in any meaningful way… apathy towards the job beyond being a means to a paycheck and a schedule that allows me to go to school in the evenings.

My therapist is also pushing me to “reconnect” with the world more socially again....since disconnection is one of the primary manifestations of depression for me (for reasons we’re still trying to muddle through). It’s especially true when combined with the apnea and strong introversion. And being a strongly avoidant coper. My classmates have been great for that in one regard, but my work schedule doesn’t allow me the freedom to meet up with them much outside of school. Plus, I live in a different section of the city, so distance also matters…especially when I’m at work at 4am most days. But it’s a start.

There are a lot of things running through my head that I think about a lot, or need/want to tease out more. Career/work/lifestyle goals. Fears and doubts. The roles of certain people in my life. The way I handle certain friendships. Attraction. The role of touch and tactile sensation for me. Academic interests. Future school ideas, and the role of education more generally for me. The love/hate relationship I have with writing, and why. Health, from food to activity to bodywork to mental health.

How to consistently write on here without internet access at home (I’m sitting in the mall food court right now), or how I can get my finances stable enough to get internet service back sooner rather than later. Or if it’s even worth the cost.

Hobbies, and things I want to either do more of or new ones I want to try. There’s been a lot of brainstorming in my mind about some creative writing, but I haven’t done any beyond some note taking in a couple of years. Yoga, and possibly martial arts (something I’ve been thinking about since my small experience with it back in college). The hope is that the new career will allow me more income and simultaneously more control over my schedule and time to give me the chances to do more. Of course, that also presupposes finally making some headway on my sleep issues, which so far has been unsuccessful.

For now, I think a walk, and something to drink.